Prologue: An hour to burn

On a Sunday, at noon, two souls enter a bustling train station, their hands held without their knowledge, a boy and a girl close to eighteen, their first meeting only yesterday, their common friend having just left, the girl carelessly walks towards the ticket booth with her friend following closely. The last of her money, carefully preserved for this ride home finally leaves her hand, only to be replaced by her rights to board a three hour trip towards her city.

"We've got an hour to burn until I've got to leave. How about a coffee?", she says in a neutral tone, a nodded agreement aiming her at a comfortable table, followed by to cups of steaming beverage marking the beginning of a conversation. "Is this supposed to be my last gift from you?", he asks. "I can't leave you without a birthday present, now can I?", quickly follows. "I still feel we should have had an actual party instead of just going bowling." "Dude, don't sweat it. If we had fun, then it doesn't matter. I still wish Nick would have joined instead of just watching." "And I still wish you didn't beat me by twenty points." "And you still don't believe it was my first try.", their lively conversation flows, punctuated by loud sips of the sweet coffee and the boys long drags from a lit cigarette, one's end being soon followed by a new light.

The two met two months ago, introduced by Nick, Elaine and Matthew talked only on the internet without even knowing each others' faces. They talked about anything that passed their mind, just as they are doing now, and when the conversation wasn't a random subject, Matthew loved to talk about Amanda. She was in an all-girls band, a known celebrity in a far away country, and by some strange events, Matt ended up having to know her personally in more ways than one. He would talk and Ela would listen, he would do so for hours and neither party would even show signs of discomfort, but now their conversation happened at a quiet table in a busy junction, their eyes fixed on one another, their hands touching on the table while nothing but warmth was felt. Elaine never had friends, she found solace in books, games and movies, being even more detached from the outside world than most, the situation she was in was completely unknown to her, and she was oblivious to the true forces at work. Her friend wasn't.

With both cups empty and the ashtray nearing completion, the conversation suddenly stops, their eyes still aimed at each other, three words marked the beginning of a long journey.

"You're so sweet.", the boy said, as he closed his eyes and leaned his head forward, seeking his companion's face.

A flurry of emotions and judgments passed through the girl's head in that short second before she planted her lips on his, forming a very inexperienced kiss, filling her with peace and comfort. She had always dreamed of finding love, she wanted it, and such a sudden appearance almost stunned her. She was in disbelief at how easy it was, happy that it happened, scared it might not be what it seemed, and worried she'll ruin her first kiss... 

But as soon as their mouths touched, everything faded away. The noise around them became silent, the people around them no longer existed, even the table between them wasn't there, it was just the two souls, and a moment that seemed to last more than an hour. The gesture was followed by their chairs coming close, their hands placed around their shoulders, her head on his chest, a peace she could not even hope had entered her heart.

Reviews

[Nusquam Esse]

Alrighty, since English is not your first language; your main objective at this point is going to be how to develop your writing voice so that it feels natural and flows well. All in all, you are off to a good start here; your main problem is with presentation. You need a way of separating lines, either indent each new paragraph (you will probably have to paste it into the text box after doing this in a word processor) or put a space between them. This will help your story feel less like a block of text; visual presentation is important to get a reader interested, and to help them flow naturally from line to line (not having to figure out where they were). I also recommend changing the font to something other than the default, if nothing else, because it is more likely to be read that way.

Next, your main problem with the writing itself--punctuation. You are doing something known as run-on sentences and comma splices; it seems that the languages in your area tend to use commas in this manner a lot (I know Bulgarian does, and I am assuming it is the same for Romanian). But in English, independent clauses should not be joined with commas. Rather, it is a good idea to either connect them with a semicolon, or to break them into two separate sentences. You can also use hyphens, especially when the addition is not a complete sentence. I recommend studying up on how to use punctuation in English, try taking a few online courses to help you learn the most natural way to use them to control the meaning, and pacing of your work. Also look for ways to combine sentences without resorting to using punctuation. Good Luck, let me know if you have any questions.

[A. Amos]

Great start will be back to finish what I started...