Chapter Nine: They Went Their Own Paths In Life

Dominica goes into discussion regarding the darkness that plagued her.

My first suicide attempt came when I was twelve years old and poured some perfume into my mouth and was going to swallow it. What stopped me from doing so was the fact that my mother was in the hallway putting the towels into the linen closet. She then headed towards my bedroom. I quickly spit the perfume into the garbage basket before she came inside it and realized what I was about to do. When I got away from my parents and from the violence, and began living with Aunt Doris and Grandma Feldman, I moved onto to facial astringent, which was stronger. From there, I moved on to making attempts on my life with butcher knives. I would make an indentation in the flesh of my wrist so deep that all I had to do was pull the flesh apart so that I would end up bleeding to death. Although I wanted to die so very badly, something within me just wouldn't let me pull the pieces of flesh apart. There was something or some kind of force holding me back. I would struggle so hard to come up with a good reason not to do it. The emotional and mental conflict was that no matter how hard I tried to die, there was also a small part of me that wanted to live and experience the good things in life, whatever that meant at the time. I didn't think it was fair for me to have lived a life of torture, only to have my life swept away before I had an opportunity to see how life was really like on the opposite side of the coin. I wanted to learn what it was like to have love in my life for the first time. When I was living with my parents, I never knew what it was liked to be loved. A part of me knew that Grandma Feldman, Aunt Doris, Uncle Davis and Avery loved me and cared for me, but that wasn't enough. I knew that if I was to continue living life, I had to live for me, not for everyone else. I had to figure out what I really wanted out of life. I examined my options this way. I could either write a book inspired by my own life and do something positive, and make a difference in the world through healing myself from within, and help to raise public awareness with regard to the issues of child abuse and domestic violence, or I could decide not to pursue that interest, and let the pain destroy me. I realized that I had to consume and destroy the pain, before it had the chance to consume and destroy me.

At this time, I was reading the book Schindler's List, which dealt with the Jewish Halocaust and Oscar Schindler, a man who saved many Jews at the risk of his own life. For every word I read of the book, I had multiple nervous breakdowns. The nervous breakdowns persisted through the duration of time it took me to read Schindler's List. The things written in this book were unthinkable, in that they were so shocking to me. It made me question how a human being could do those unspeakable acts to another human being. However, to be caught in a warzone is hell. For some there is escape, but even after the battles have ended on the battlefield or in a concentration camp, the war stays with the victims for the duration of their lives, forever. The war becomes a part of them, and they in turn become a part of it, as it does with any soldier. They die inside, because a part of them is left dead and buried with their deceased comrades. At least their heart, soul, mind and spirit do anyway, because the soldiers can never be whole again. One's past becomes a part of who one is. He cannot seperate himself from his past, on the basis that no one can run away from him or herself. The past consists of ghosts and memories that linger on in the heart, soul, spirit and mind like permanent fixtures.

As for myself, I made every effort to block all the bad things that ever happened to me in my life out of my mind, only to have them resurface through my dreams and in the form of gestures which were painful reminders of my torture.

On another note, I'd like to ad that when my brother Jake died, I tried to find replacements for the
brother I lost. Every time I got acqauainted with a guy whose mannerisms and personality were exactly like Jake's, in my mind I had my brother back. I was brought back into harsh reality everytime, because they always went their own paths in life and left my life completely. It was like losing my brother all over again, only instead of losing them to death, I lost them in the form of their desserting me.

Author's Note

What do you think of the prose?

Reviews

[Lyndie Bolt aka JustRac..]

Your use of the term"nervous breakdown" is offensive. If you have ever truly had or know someone who has gone through a nervous breakdown you would not use these words in these ways. A true nervous breakdown isn't caused by reading a few words in a book, nor recovering fast enough to keep reading the same day, week or even MONTH> You maybe in what is called "in crisis" more often than can happen with a breakdown, but a true breakdown takes months or even years to get over. Find other terminology to describe how Dominica is feeling.

Also if you have ever cut or seen the cut on a wrist that can end a life, you would know that the flesh pulls apart all on its own. The victim doesn't have to pull the skin, muscle or tendon apart. It will pop apart like a severed rubber band under tension. (take my word on this one-- I know! even though what happened to me was not deliberate, but a freak accident, I do know exactly what it looks and feels like)

If the mother knew what she was doing with trying to drink perfume- why is there no reaction/follow up in the story? Facial astingent? Lame! Leave what she has moved on to a question. Instead of talking about the mental and emotional conflict she feels with the idea of suicide SHOW us. Way more interesting. Same with the "replacing dead brother" issue. In 9 chapters I've had at least 7 or more topics I thought this book was about. So is it about a teenage girls depression due to an abusive father, unfeeling mother, dead brother, and dead family and friends just being toooo much? a crisis of faith, demons attacking her, going nuts, war or what? You need a unifying theme. Is she a strong personality that overcomes these horrors, or is she a weak one that has to struggle every single day, or so weak she gives in to temptations? What ever she is we need to see a glimmer of our character from the VERY beginning to keep us interested in what becomes of her.

Again, do not use prose, or dialogue just for the sake of having it there. It MUST move the story forward,

Lyn

PS if you'd rather I did reviews privately, email me.