Chapter Five: After Waking Up From My Sleep

Dominica confides her troubles to her deceased brother Jake, and to the Lord.

I focused a great deal on my writing and composed poetry in my journals in order to keep my sanity. I started confiding my troubles and frustrations to the Lord once again, because I would often cry and scream in my sleep, as a result of nightmares I had pertaining to the violence I had endured in my life left over from the time I lived with my parents. Although my father was miles and miles away from me, his presence was always with me and haunted me so. I was afraid to close my eyes at night, because of my violent dreams. My past practically tortured me, both mentally and emotionally. I also cried upon waking up from my sleep, because my brother Jake visited me frequently in my dreams. My reason for crying was because I missed him terribly. He wasn't around the way I wanted him to be. "Jake, my only means of ever seeing you anymore is through my dreams at night. In my awakened state, when people make certain gestures with their hands or would get up from where they were sitting, using a certain stance, I'd freak out, because I thought they were going to strike me. Every time that father of ours would extend his arms out the way most normal people would do to hug one another, he made those same gestures moments before he'd beat me up. What am I suppossed to do? I'm amongst a crowd of people in my life, but yet, I am still very much alone. No one can protect me from the darkness of my nightmares. Every night, I see demons coming towards me. I call out your name whenever this happens, Jake, and you are always there to ward off the demons and destroy them before they have the chance to hurt me or even kill me. I don't know what else I can do. I'm lost without you in my life. Avery has his own life going on for him. He's busy with his friends and especially with his girlfriend Dee Dee Wilson. He spends quite a bit of time with her family, and I'm left out, all alone with no one. But you know how selfish that brother of ours can be. Whenever I'm amongst Avery, his girlfriend Dee Dee, her sister and their circle of friends, I feel like an outsider. They go to parties and don't even include me." I wailed while wiping the tears from my eyes with my hands.

I then pulled back my covers and climbed into the bed. I then turned my attention to the Lord and I spoke to him. "Lord, I walk these roads alone in the dark. I search for golden nuggets which will lead me into your kingdom. On my tumultuous journey, I stumble and fall on my face with bloody hands. Each drop of blood is symbolic of every sin my father committed against me and you, my Lord. I drink my bitter tears. I strive to be more than what I am so I may become the best I can be. Open your doors unto me. Come visit me in the night when dangerous shadows lurk around my bed, because they want to suffocate my paper soul. My spirit has been drained of its energy. Visits from the light of heaven always embrace my heart during my times of need and want. But lofty desires are not permitted in these troubled halls that wreak with the stench of the devils vile breath. Shaken am I by the storm. My hair line is drenched with your sacred waters. Oils continue to burn inside this jungle made up of electric tombs which descend beneath the belly of the earth. Red roses dance inside my gel mind, because lofty illusions continue to fill my soul which transforms into your richness. Bleeding into you visions are children who look to you for guidance. Seek me in the shadows of the beast that dwells within my mind, and take me into your loving arms. Lead me to safety, Lord, to provide me with a safer haven when night has come and the sun has fallen. I drink the sweetness of your words, because they are like powered sugar. Finally, time is cleansed from me."

My thoughts drifted back to my trip to Uncle Phil and Aunt Georgia's house in the fall of nineteen ninety-two. I remember not sleeping very well throughout my stay there. I slept in the bedroom that was in the basement. Every time I closed my eyes and sank into sleep, I would see demons coming towards me. I would wake up gasping for air, because my fear consumed my soul and my spirit. It overcame everything that I was. At one point in my dreamstate, this demon was choking me. I yelled for my brother Jake to help me. But all the demon told me was, "there will be no Jake tonight," as he laughed a loud and raucous, evil laugh. Then, the demon shook me. At this point, I took advantage of the opportunity to yell to Jake and ask for his help in killing this demon. "Jake, help me, damn it. Get this bull shitter off of me." I shrieked. Jake came through the walls of the bedroom and towered over the demon. He squeezed his neck and made the demon explode. When I woke up from the nightmare, I was in tears. I got up from the bed and opened the bedroom door. I walked through the family room to discover Chadwick, Uncle Phil's eldest stepson, asleep on one of the sofas. I then cried silently so I wouldn't wake him up. I then went into the bathroom, closed the door and locked it. From there, I sat on the bathroom floor crying, and rocking myself back and forth. Blood from my nose got all over the bathroom floor and my nightgown, because I was crying so hard. I was consumed by my pain. Drowning is a better word for it. I then took some toilet paper to clean my nose, and then I took some more toilet paper, wiped the blood from the floor, and flushed the pieces of bloody toilet paper down the toilet. From there, I washed my face, composed myself, tiptoed back to the bedroom, changed out of my bloody nightgown, hid it in my overnight bag, put on a fresh clean nightgown, climbed into bed, and dozed off to sleep.

Author's Note

What do you think of the dialogue?

Reviews

[Daiku Maryu]

"I also cried upon waking up from my sleep, because my brother Jake visited me frequently in my dreams. My reason for crying was because I missed him terribly."--those two sentence sound odd, unnatural. The first sentence is okay, but combined with the second it just looks odd: you basically repeat that there was a reason for the narrator to cry. I'd try doing it like this: "I also cried upon waking up, because my brother Jake visited me frequently in my dreams. How I missed him!"

I'd also rephrase "In my awakened state...": this phrase doesn't sound like something anybody would say in a normal situation. Perhaps if they're making a speech or it's somekind of a perforamnce, but here it looks odd.

"Oils continue to burn inside this jungle made up of electric tombs which descend beneath the belly of the earth. Red roses dance inside my gel mind, because lofty illusions continue to fill my soul which transforms into your richness."--I understand you're going for some metaphore here, but I just can't understand what you mean by it. I just can't make the connection between the words you used and reality or emotiones. It kind of jolted me out of the prayer.

"I drink the sweetness of your words, because they are like powered sugar."--has a bit of an odd imaginery, at least for me. You can't drink powdered sugar--try something sweet, but liquid? (I think you meant powdered sugar, btw?)

Is it really necessary to describe what the narrator does after crying? A simple "I cleaned myself up and the floor." would have been enough, unless the scene has some deeper significance.

This chapter seems rather odd to me--I'm not sure how exactly it relates to the rest of the story. I guess I'll have to read on to find out.

Sorry for being so critical.

[Lyndie Bolt aka JustRac..]

Paragraph one- is a HUGE monologue! Break it up! Same for #2! The tenor of #2 changes too much- one from a pleading to god for help to a dark dissertation. The jump into paragrap #3 does not flow well. You need transitions! Paragraph #3 should be broken into several. Why did her nose bleed? Crying isn't good enough... What is the purpose of seeing Chadwick on the sofa? Maybe have her crying softly in the room then tasting blood --nose bleeds in bed will give a taste of blood in the back of the throat if lying on ones back. Then have her steal across the family room floor where she sees Chad on her way to the bathroom (assuming he is essential to the story- if not, cut him out) make the reader want to know if she is just dreaming demons or if one actually hurt her in this dream... maybe that is why she has faint buises (add them if demons actually are visiting her) on her neck and blood on her face and nightgown....??? Cut the part about Avery down to 1 sentence. Also cut the "reminders sentences " down to 1. Does Jake ever answer her in these dreams? If a demon were ever to attack me in a dream I sure as hell would not yell "get this bull shitter off me!" I'd be most likelyto scream a blood cuddling scream to the top of my lungs and then scream, "Help! Help" If the attack continued then I would probably scream a name of the person I though closest to me that could help. I'd never call something I thought or knew was a demon a "bullshitter". If the character is someone who does swear, this would not be a strong enough epithaph for a DEMON! Stopping to take an opportunity to yell for help when you life is at stake-- not strong enough words to visualize the real terror Dom should be in. Does she fight back? How What does she do other than yell? What does this demon look like, smell like, or feel like? You keep forgetting the other senses that will bring your writing alive for the reader.

We are in chapter 5 is this story about Dominica and her not so great friends (Ch1), death of brother and cousin(Ch2) War protest (Ch 3-4), or Her fight with real or imagined demons. I have no clue. Do you write from a general outline? Most writers find it a least helpful even if they deviate from it. It is the rare writer, Dean Koontz is on current popular writer that I know, that can start a story and not initally know where it is going. But.... he has had LOTS of practice writing stories too! Where is this story going? I am usually a pretty patient reader, but by a 5th chapter if I don't have a sense of the plot, I will lose interest.

A simple ruel of thumb is that if a dialogue spoken by one character is more than 4 typed lines long, it is TO LONG. People in conversations don't give 30 second speaches with out stopping for breath, moving hands, or body, change in inflection or expression. Your writing of a story/book/tale needs to reflect these changes so the reader can visualize the speaker and the setting.

I'd like to see you rewrite these chapters, and let me review the changes.

Lyn