Chapter Two: A Phone Call From Cousin Sally Winthrop

Aunt Doris gets a phone call from Cousin Sally Winthrop.

The phone rang when Aunt Doris and I walked through the front door of Grandma Feldman's house. Aunt doris picked up the receiver. It was Cousin Sally. She called to tell us about the passing of her brother Floyd. Aunt Doris's entire body shook while the tides of tears came rushing from her eyes. "Oh my God. When did this all happpen? Last night? What do you mean he was carjacked? My mother isn't here. She's at her friend Jean's house. The woman just got out of the hospital and needed my mother to look after her, because she isn't supposed to be by herself now that she's had an operation on her knee. Well, nobody is really alright now when something like this happens. What are your parents going to do? You mean he died two days ago on your father's birthday? Your parents received a telephone call from the police department? I'll be damn. You mean they had to go identify his body? When is the funeral? In two days? My mother is doing okay, considering the fact she is still coping with Jake's death, as we all are over here in Kalamazoo. Vera and Warren are in Florida. They moved down there during Dominica's senior at Western Michigan University. Things like this never really are easy, Sally. Of course, with the strength and support from friends and family we should all pull through just fine. Or at least find some comfort in the fact that many people both sympathize and empathize with us. Of course, all of us here can certainly relate to what you all are going through.
I'll call Vera right now. Give my love to everyone over there." Aunt Doris said softly and hung up the phone.

"What was that all about, Aunt Doris?" I asked while looking at her swollen eyelids.

"Cousin Floyd died. He was carjacked. I've got to call your grandmother and your mother. From there, I'm going to call Cousin Davis." She replied. Aunt Doris picked up the receiver to call Grandma Feldman, first. "Mom, your niece Sally Winthrop called when you were out." She informed her.

"How is she?" Grandma Feldman asked.

"She called to tell us the news about Floyd's passing. Your nephew. Mom, he was murdered two days ago. He got carjacked. He was riding as a passenger in a car that belonged to his friend. Floyd's friend brought the car to a complete stop. The two of them got out of the car and ran. As they were running, one of the gunmen shot Floyd in the back. He died instantly." She wailed. After hanging up the receiver, Aunt Doris took some tissues from the coffe table to blow her nose and wipe the tears from her face. "Your grandma broke down. She was crying hard when I was talking to her on the phone."

We couldn't go to the funeral, because we didn't have reliable transportation to drive for three hours to get to the funeral home. Cousin Sally, her parents and siblings lived too far away. Not only is it bad when a loved dies, but it's even worse when he or she dies so young, such as my brother Jake did, six years earlier, as a result of being run down by a hit and run drunk driver. But the worst part of all was watching him die when he lay in the hospital in a coma, withering away into nothing but skin and bones. It seemed like a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from.

I lay on the sofa feeling a little hazy, remembering my college friends and our special girl's night we had in the dormitory to relieve some stress. My friends Anne, Lois, Jamie, along with Anne's roommate Lonnie, and I consumed three boxes of pepperoni pizza, and several cups of coffee with a little bit of Irish Creme in it. Anne braided Lois's hair into several braids that stuck out all over her head like a porcupine, because they were goofing around. Actually, we were all goofing around. Anne took out her camera from her dresser drawerer and took some snapshots of Anne and the rest of us, making funny poses for the camera. Anne also had me take some pictures of just her and Anne making funny poses, with her camera. I then ran into Jamie's and my dormitory room to get my own camera to take pictures, also. Lonnie, Lois and I then sat on the floor while Jamie sat next to Anne on her bed, where Anne wrote a letter to her friend (a pen pal) from Arizona. She started writing to him the previous year when he was serving in the armed forces, fighting overseas in Kuwait. "I wonder what I should say to Joe in this letter. I mean, I've already told him how much in love with him I am, in the last letter I wrote him. When I opened his letter, addressed to me, this afternoon, with the enclosed picture of him, I fell even harder for him." She sighed while holding her pen in her mouth and pulling her notebook close to her heart. Anne then leaned back and kicked her legs in the air. Maybe I could tell him how beautiful I thought his last letter to me was. Uh. No. Romantic is the word I'm looking for." She said cheerfully while jotting down her thoughts in her letter to him.

Jamie was skeptical and concerned, and pointed out a few details to Anne. "Anne, how can you possibly be in love with this guy? You've never even met each other. And the only way you know anything about him at all is through his letters. Another thing is this. The picture he sent you claiming to be him, may not be him at all. Not only that, but you have two other guys already who you refer to as your steady boyfriends. I mean, first off there is Jordan, whom you got acquainted with three months ago when you started working at Junior Burger. And then you have Jesse, whom you just met a little over a week ago. You need to slow down, sweetheart."

Anne got defensive. "Jamie, I know what I'm doing. I love Joe, Jordan and Jesse very much. So much so, they all three make me feel like no man has ever made me feel in my life. Lord knows, Rodney was no good for me. He was abusive. Had it not been for Lonnie to walk through the door of our dormitory room, Rodney would have broken my neck, that's true. But, I've learned my lesson when it comes to my naivete, always believing Rodney had changed for the better, whenever he came to visit me. It's over. I told him so in front of Lonnie that we were through. Lonnie and I went down to the police station to press charges against him, and we got a restraining order against him. Remember? He's not only got a criminal record now, but he can't even come near me. He'll never hurt me again. As for Joe, I have been having correspondence with him for what seems like a long time. I met him through Western Michigan Unversity Pen Pal Group who sent letters to soldiers overseas. He's a good guy. I just know it, and I wish you'd be trusting when it comes to my judgment, Jamie. You all know that. I think it's bull s**t for you to hassel me about it. You're so wrong about Joe. As for Jordan, he is a sweet guy. Personally, I think he's one of the best guys a girl could possibly have as a boyfriend. The same is true with Jesse. I know that he's going to school at Western Michigan University to be a cop. He loves pizza, and he loves his mom and his sister. His mom left his dad for being abusive to her, jesse, and Jesse's sister. I know everything about him, Jamie, so back off. The least you could do is be happy for me. Especially for the fact that I have three wonderful boyfriends who are so deeply in love with me. Come on. Get with the program here. Alright? Chill out."

Lonnie had some input of her own to add. "Anne, I'm glad these guys think the world of you, but I just don't think Jamie is wrong. Not only because you don't know them well enough, or because juggling three guys is asking for trouble, but you told me this morning about your plans to go down to Arizona and spend next weekend with Joe alone with him at his cottage. Anne, that's dangerous. You really need to give up Joe as a boyfriend and pen pal. Not only him, but Jesse, too. He may be with you now, but his true love is his longtime sweetheart, Julia. Remember? And that's where his heart and mind are, even when he's with you. The only guy that's right for you, not just right, but perfect for you, is Jordan. Jesse knows about Jordan, but he doesn't know about Joe. He doesn't have to know, as long as you burn all the letters Joe sent you, along with the letter you've already started. Just through them into a bag and throw them into the dumpster behind our dormitory hall."

"I love them, Lonnie. I need to be with all three of them." Anne whined.

Lois gave Anne some advice of her own. "I've never like that Joe guy or that Jesse guy. Those two are both bull shitters. I mean, honestly, Anne. If that Jesse guy is such a descent human being, he wouldn't be cheating on this Julia girl with you. As for Joe, if he was such a descent guy, he would invite your parents to come with you to Arizona to meet him. Not only to meet him, but he'd want you and your parents to meet his parents and other family members. Clearly, the guy is a sleaze bag. Even if he is a fellow soldier to me."

I reminded Anne about my history of abuse I received from my dad, and about the violence within my own household. "Anne, how can you rush into other romantic involvements after a history of violence you experienced at the hands of Rodney. I told you before about how I lived through violence for at least twenty years of my life, at the hands of my father. I myself am leery about getting into a romantic relationship, because of my parents' relationship and marriage. My mother stays with Warren, because she is worried about how she would make it on her own without a husband. You have a good and descent guy in Jordan. Don't stay with Jesse. Don't get me wrong. I think Jesse is nice to have as a friend, but for you to have him as a boyfriend is wrong, because his going behind Julia's back having a romantic involvement with you. Listen to what your conscience is telling you, and stick with it, not with your heart. Otherwise, I think the world of Jesse. I relate to his family life, as does Jamie. He's our friend. But you are also our friend, Anne. We don't want to see you get hurt, and watch you throw away a good thing you have going on with Jordan. Please reconsider before going to Arizona. Also, please end your romantic involvement with Jesse. No good can come from your romantic involvement with him or this Joe."

"Fine." she said abruptly, as she tore up the letter she started writing. She then gathered up the pictures and photos Joe sent her, tossed them into a garbage bag, and took them to the dumpster to throw them away.

Author's Note

What do you think of the dialogue?

Reviews

[Lyndie Bolt aka JustRac..]

!st sentence would sound more active if you use something like this: The phone was ringing just as Aunt Doris and I rushed through Grandma Feldman's front door. Try to remember to use an active rather than a passive voice. This goes on though out the 1st and 2nd chapter. You dialogues are way to long winded, and regurgitate information already given or understood by the reader. You should change some of the names as you have way to many J names. Jordan, Jesse, Jamie, Joe, Julia, Jean, Jake ...

How does this death of cousin Floyd relate to this whole thing with Anne? Anne seems like a total flake, and to an adult this whole thread of conversation seems so trivial, trite and senseless. Where is this story going? is it following Dominaca and her family tragedies, or this silly girl Anne?

In the first paragraph you are mixing first and third person objectives. Here is a first person re-write on this whole first paragraph. Note it is now several of verying lengths paragraphs, but covers basically the same material covered in the first and some of the next 5 paragraphs.

The phone was ringing as Aunt Doris and I rushed through Grandma Feldman's front door. Aunt Doris snatched up the receiver.

"Hello," my Aunt sighed when she heard the voice of my cousin.

"What's up Sally? I haven't heard from you in ages. Is everyone OK?" My aunt's eyes widened in shock as my cousin's voice percolated in her ear.

"Oh, no! Not Floyd! Whahhht happened?" Aunt Doris cried.

I tried to take the phone from her trembling hand, but she refused to let go of the receiver. "Auntie what's going on?" I asked her.

Doris's eyes began to overflow with tides of tears as she looked at me with out seeing. "It's your cousin, Dominica. Floyd is DEAD!" She sobbed. She then cried to Sally. "When did this happen?"

I tied to hear what Sally was saying, but could only make out a few words. It seemed that Floyd had been murdered 2 days ago in a carjacking.

"No, Sally my mother isn't here. She's at her friend Jean's house."

I remembered that grandma had gone to her friend house because Jean had just got out of the hospital and needed someone to look after her as she'd an operation on her knee.

"Oh, God. You mean they had to go identify his body? When is the funeral? Friday?" Aunt Doris heavily plopped down in the chair next to the hallway phone. "No, my mother is okay, considering the fact they still haven't found who ran down and killed Jake yet."

Oh, why did Aunt Doris have to mention Jake? I'd been doing pretty well lately in pushing the memory of seeing my poor broken body of my sweet sensitive brother slowly withering away. His prolonged vegetative state was especially hurtful as he had been such a lively, joyous vibrant being.

Aunt Doris' trembling voice broke into my painful memory reminding me that there was a more urgent and recent tragedy.

"Oh, Sally, I don't know if we will be able to get to the funeral. Vera and Warren moved to Florida this past year, so all we have is Jean's car and it is in the repair shop right now. The transmission when kaput three days ago." My aunt wiped her tear laden face with her now wadded up tissue. "No, Dominca has been living with us so she could finish up her last year at Western Michigan."

I reached over to pat my Aunt on the shoulder and gestured with my left hand for her to hand me the phone. She shook her head and clutched it more tightly to her ear. "How are your folks, Sally?" She paused to listen. "No of course we all know how hard this is. No, Jake wasn't shot, but he was murdered just the same. Yes, our thoughts and prayers are with you all. I'll call Davis and Jean's place right now, and let them know about Floyd. Bye" Doris' eye flooded with new tears as she slowly replaced the receiver.


I hope this helps. Just remember, is what you are writing pushing the story forward or just bogging down the reader with extraneous facts or information? Hints at information are sometimes better than spelling it all out

Lyn

[Flame DM]

I doubt Anne has given up on these guys, it would just be too simple if that was the case. I'm looking forward to read more! Dialogue was good, especially the phone conversation. But I had a problem consuming the long paragraphs, seemed tad bit summary-ish instead of talking on the friend part. BUt overall another good chapter!

Flame

[Benjamin Timmins]

Good read so far. There are minor grahmer mistakes that are easily fixed. One thing, In the conversation they are having about Anne loving 3 guys at once, you wrote "Lonnie had some input of her own to add. "Anne, I'm glad these guys think the world of you, but I just don't thnk Anne is wrong."

Dont you mean "I don't think Jamie is wrong"?

Its a very convincing story so far, and the conversations do alot to make it seem more real, and bring it to life.

I'm going to continue to read through the story.

[Daiku Maryu]

This chapter is somewhat short, especially compared with the previous one--you might want to stay consistent in length.

The dialogue is good, but I'd have tried indicating somehow that the other person on the phone is speaking too. I'd try using something to show that there are pauses in the speech.

You might want to consider rewritting this sentence: "It's bad when a loved one dies and dies so young, such as my brother Jake did six years earlier as a result of being run down by a hit and run drunk driver." It sounds a bit clumsy.

As far as possitives go I found to very strong ones: I enjoyed reading this and I want to know what happens next. I hope my advice helps?