Chapter One: Strumming the Music

Dominica Moore has lunch with her friend Jamie at an Oriental restaurant.

Following my graduation from college, I continued to keep in contact with my friends Jamie, Anne, Lois and Jesse. I immediately sent out graduation invitations one month ahead of time. Upon receiving her invitation to my graduation party, Jamie called me up to inform me of her regrets. "Unfortunately, I'm
unable to come, because I'm leaving in two weeks for Boston, Massachusetts where I'm transferring to. I will be finishing up my last two years of college over there where I will be completing my studies for my Bachelors degree in the area of special education. I don't know if you remember, but I told you that last semester. I'm going to work co-op as a nanny for a wealthy family who lives in Boston, Massachusetts. These people are my host family. However, maybe we can get together this week and have lunch at one of the local Chinese restaurants here in Kalamazoo. It will be my treat."

"Sure. Sounds good to me. Thanks for calling me." I sighed and I hung up the phone. I slouched on the sofa with my head hung down in disappointment, because I was truly hoping Jamie could make it. But she did tell me last semester about her plans to transfer to a university in Boston, and about taking the job working for a wealthy host family.

Grandma Feldman came down the stairs and found me in tears, sitting on the sofa. She raised her eybrows, but spoke with a gentle tone. "Dominica, who was on the phone?"

"It was my friend Jamie. She called to R.S.V.P. Unfortunately, she called to tell me that she can't make it to my graduation party, because she's leaving in two weeks for Boston, Massachusetts, where she will be working and going to school. But she did say we'd get together this week, because she wants to treat me to lunch." I wailed.

"Did anyone else R.S.V.P.? After all, honey, your Aunt Doris and I need to know how many people will be coming to your party so we can know how much food to order from the deli." Grandma Feldman replied with a somber expression on her face.

"Grandma, I told you and Aunt Doris this entire party was a mistake. No one will show up other than a few relatives, you friends, Avery's friends and Aunt Doris's friends. That would make my estimation to about twenty people out of the three hundred people we invited." I shouted.

Grandma Feldman suggested that I give her the list of names, addresses and phone numbers of all the people we invited. "I'm going to call these people to find out if they're coming. We can't waste anymore time waiting for them to call."

I protested, but it didn't do any good, because she already started dialing the first telephone numbers on the list. The phone was ringing. She began asking the people if they planned on coming to my party. One by one they all told her similar stories, such as "the invitation must have got lost when we were doing some spring cleaning" or "I didn't receive the invitation. It must have gotten lost in the mail."

At least I knew I had a friend in Jamie, my roommate from college. Two days later, we had lunch at an Oriental buffett restaurant in Kalamazoo. There were so many good things to choose from like the crabmeat, egg rolls, egg drop soup, and stir fry vegetables with either beef or chicken just to name a few. I had a bowl of egg drop soup, and a plate containing some egg rolls and some crab meat and went to our table and sat down. Jamie had something off of the sushi bar. We had cherry cola to drink.

"So. Are you going to take a job writing for the Kalamazoo Gazette now that you've graduated, Dominica? I mean, have you had any jobs lined up at all?" Jamie inquired.

"I thought it would be best if I take a year off from my job searching, instead of working some place directly out of college. I've been going to school nonstop since high school, and working full time at Junior Burger until my parents moved down to Florida last October. I had so much stress. I need sometime off to relax." I sighed.

"Don't wait too long to find a job. It's always best to have some area of employment in mind so you can start making some money to pay off those student loans." Jamie informed me out of concern. She didn't have student loans, because Social Security paid for her college education for as long as she stayed in school. After her father died, Jamie and her brother Paul started collecting Social Security benefits from the time she was seven years old and her brother Paul was five. But she still worked part time at a restaurant in Saugatuck to buy clothes and to pay for maintenance of her car, and for gasoline. Jamie was also making payments on her car.

"I'll worry about that when the time comes. But you know, my Aunt Doris and Uncle Davis Feldman will be helping me pay off my student loans until I find a job, and earn the money I need for paying them off." I said nonchalantly.

"That's cool. You know, Anne still blames you and me for her and Jesse's break up. She says that we shouldn't have interfered with their relationship. Their romantic involvement." Jamie said after taking a bite of her sushi.

"But why? All we did was listen. I mean, it's obvious she and Jesse were having problems for the simple reason that Anne wanted to have a baby right away. After all, Jesse came to us to confide his troubles. It's not like we took him away from Anne or anything. All you and I did was talk with him and patiently listen to his side of the story. I like to hear both sides of an issue so I can get a better perspective of the overall problem, Jamie." I gasped.

"Me too. Believe you me, I feel the same way. And judging by what I observed in terms of how both of them behaved and their overall attitudes pertaining to different things, Anne was nothing but a selfish, twofaced, b***h. Analyzing a few things here, everytime Jesse wanted to spend time with his friends, Anne had a hissy fit. She was domineering. When he said that he wouldn't stand for her bossy attitude, Anne went behind his back, talked Jesse's roommate, Jaoquin, into letting her into their dorm room and told him that she needed to get some casettes Jesse borrowed from her. She took Jesse's roller blade skates and put them in her duffel bag. She was sneaky about it. Then she wanted to hide them in your vanity drawrer, because no one, especially Jesse, would be the wiser. Now I tell you one thing, Dominica, if that's not childish, I don't know what is."

"The problem with Anne is that she's so damn insecure. Don't get me wrong. I like Anne and everything, but she should let Jesse spend equal amount of time with his friends as the amount of time he spends with her. Other than you, the only other person I feel comfortable to tell my troubles to is Jesse, because we come from similar backgrounds where our family lives are concerned. All three of us do. His dad beat up him, his sister and his mom constantly. Your mom physically abused you and your brother. I told you at the beginning of the fall semester, how my dad physically, emotionally, mentally and verbally abused me, my brothers and my mom. I never felt comfortable to confide to my mom, because she never cared to listen to my complaints even though I complained to her constantly about my dad. She never cared to hear about the drama I had to deal with in school on a daily basis when I was in high school on back. Students at that little country school I attended were cruel and even got physical by beating the living daylights out of me, because of the way I dressed, my overall personality, the fact that I didn't come from money. They had issues about any and everything pertaining to me. All my mom had to say was if I mingled with people instead of just sitting there saying nothing they'd be nicer to me. My mother didn't say s**t against those kids for what they did to me. She was more concerned about herself being in good with people and about me being in good with people, when she should have concerned herself with my happiness and my overall well being. You and Jesse are the only people who understand me." I confided to Jamie and then took a bite of my egg roll.

"I know what you mean. I told you, how my mom would pull my hair, literally pull the roots out of my skull and bang my head agaisnt the wall. And then, remember how she'd come up at school and give me a hard time about what clothes I was to wear, where I was when I wasn't in class. She literally photocopied my schedule so she'd know where I was every second of the day and night to make sure I was in my dorm room sleeping in my bed by nine o'clock. Can you believe that? The stupid b***h insisted on giving me a curfew. And even when we'd screen the calls, if she didn't get me on the telephone before the answering machine went on, she'd drive all the way to Kalamazoo from Saugatuck just to find out why I didn't answer the phone when she called. To tell you the truth, I didn't want to let her into the dormitory. When she called, I went to the lobby with my sweats on to talk to her, and she screamed at me. Damn. She embarrased me in fron of my friends who lived at the dormitory hall."

On our drive home from the restaurant, we got lost on our way down to Grandma Feldman's house, because we talked some more about Anne and how the only reason she wanted a baby right away was because her doctor told her that after the age of twenty-one, it would be too dangerous for her to give birth to a child. It was because of the abortion she had when she was sixteen years old. She wanted Jesse by her side and at her beckoned call all of the time. She even go mad when Jesse wanted to go home for Easter and spend time with his mother and sister. Anne wanted Jesse to go home with her for Easter and spend time with her family instead. Anne didn't have any brothers and sisters. She was the only child and was spoiled constantly by her parents; thus, leading a sheltered life in comparison to the family life Jesse, Jamie and I had when we were growing up. During the time Jesse spent with Anne and her family, Jesse and Anne got poison ivy when they went fishing with Anne's dad. Jesse had poison ivy all over his arms. Anne had poison ivy all over her face. When we returned to school after Easter break, Anne's eyes were all red two days later, and they had become swollen. They were puffed up so much, that she looked like a frog. They were almost sealed shut. Luckily, I happened to have a brand new bottle of eye drops that contained artificial tears. Jesse put the drops in Anne's eyes as often as needed. The swelling went down. I saved her sight. She and Jesse went to the health clinic on the campus of Western Michigan University to get some prescribed ointment for the poison ivy that was all over their skin.

Jamie and I finally arrived at my grandmother's house and we said our goodbyes.

On the day of the graduation party, I helped Aunt Doris and Grandma Feldman with the preparations. They bought two big platters of meats and such from the deli. Aunt Doris and I put up the decorations in the church hall where my party was to take place. It was a day of blended pleasure for me. I was anticipating on at least one hundred people coming, if not three hundred. But unfortunately, only twenty people showed up, just as I told Grandma Feldman what would happen three weeks prior to the party. None of my friends came. I was heartbroken.

I opened the gifts for Grandma Feldman and Aunt Doris's sakes. It wasn't the happiest day of my life, but the gifts I received added cheer to my heart. Upon our arrival home, Aunt Doris found a package behind the screen door. She picked it up and handed it to me. It had a beautiful card attatched. It read: "To a very special friend on her graduation day. May your journey continue to blossom and may all your dreams come true." It was from Anne, Jesse and Lois. I opened the package and found a beautiful ceramic mug with some candy inside of it. Sometimes when things seem dark and lonely in one's life, there are always the people who light the roots that compose our souls and strum the music within our hearts.

Author's Note

What do you think of the dialogue?

Reviews

[Lyndie Bolt aka JustRac..]

The dialogue is to awkward and long winded. You need to write the way that people would actually have a conversation. In the first 1/3 you repeated the facts that Jamie was going to Boston 3 times. Once would be fine. Most people know where Boston is so adding the Massachussettes is a bit redundant. Always remember that we have 5 senses and you should try to address all 5 in evey scene (although taste is the one least likely to be used except when eating or drinking) Break up the dialogue with some observations of the surrounding, and the speakers. Also identifying who the speakers are would help.

I question Annes reason for wanting a baby right away from some supposed doctors diagnosis that it would be to dangerous for her to carry to term a child after 21. I have a medical background training and can't see this as a feasible diagnosis. If Anne has made up this 'excuse' then it needs to be hinted at in the narrative. Also you have Dominica saying that she only expects 20 people at her party, but then the day of she is 'happy' thinking that there will be 100+ This just needs reworking. It would seem more plausible that she would dread the party, because she doesn't expect a very good turn out.

The paragraphs dealing with family dynamics and the abuse the girls and Jesse have endured is confusing. Who suffered at whose hands? This sentence just doesn't ring right: thus, leading a sheltered life in comparison to the family life Jesse, Jamie and I had when we were growing up. yes, Anne's life was different, but referring to an abusive "family life" in this context feels just WRONG.

The dissertation about the poison ivy episode could be referred to in part of a conversation and then a memory Dominica has, but needs to be cut way down or even eliminated as it really doesn't move the story forward. If it has some importance later on them just referring to it would be enough.

The flow between the restaurant the car then the party 3 weeks later needs work. Check on the idea of social security paying for college. It wouldn't pay for my sons college. We only received money when he was in 12th grade or less.

As an exercise in writing dialogue try re-writing this chapter in first person. One you have re-done this in first (I) person you will probably see where the problems are in the dialogue and narrative. Once you do this, you can then re-write it in 3rd person if you want to continue the rest of story in 3rd person.

[Flame DM]

I did like the dialogue. It seemed like people talking, not just a writer putting down words. My only problem was this chapter happened so quickly, before the party and then bam! pary already happened. But since there is so much more to read maybe this was supposed to happen XD. Cant wait to read on. I think Jesse and Dominica start to have chemistry but Anne will go crazy about it. maybe i'm wrong though lets find out

Flame

[Daiku Maryu]

The dialogue is well-written, but the part where Dominica and Jamie discuss their pasts seemed a bit strange. They're friends, they know all this, so why are giving themselves a summary of their lives? It would seem more realistic, if they're preface it with something like "rember when (my mom came and...; I told you about the time when the kids in school...)?" and just describe one situation. It would give the reader an idea that their life weren't the happiest, but at the same time wouldn't feel like they're saying it all for our sake.

Again, this is just a minor nitpick: it didn't spoil the reading for me. It's just something you might want consider changing.