Too Close to home.

In 1979 a man is attacking women and leaving them for dead. Who could it be?

                               The Toilet Roll

This wasn’t a building built for the public.  The premises were massive.  From the car park you could see many windows and a big entrance, to where you entered.  As in every profession, the bosses were never far behind, watching you every minute, waiting for any mistakes.  Basically, any reason to get rid of your sorry arse.   It was a place of work, usually the most brightest and talented would be employed here.  To be here was a privilege, a privilege that you should never take for granted.  

But this isn’t a story of a high-powered corporation in its everyday environment.  Because, to be truthful, that would be boring as muck.  The story I am writing here today, is a story of one poor man, and his visit to the toilet, which ends in disaster.  Yes, I know what you’re thinking, but trust me, there is a lot more to this then meets the eye.  And so, I’ll begin, but, I must warn you, this is not a tale for the fainted-hearted.  Now read on, if you are brave enough.

Robert needed the toilet desperately, it was only twelve fifteen in the afternoon.  He understood that getting up from his desk at such a time would have implications.  Hopefully, no one would notice, if he was hasty.  The toilet was twenty metres down the corridor.  His stomach groaned in such a way he’d never experienced before.  If he didn’t go now, he would s**t his pants.  

Thinking back to his worst day at first school, which involved a similar situation as today, but back then there was no toilet in reach.  And this happened in the middle of the playground.  And as it splashed down his bare legs, he wore grey shorts you see, all the other children laughing and pointing to make matters worse.  The girl of his dreams is standing only a little way from him, watching in disgust.  Young Robert being far from joyous on this particular day.

Now, as an adult in his thirties, life was perfect.  He had a terrific job which paid well, and in the last couple of months he was dating a lady who he happened to be very fond of.

Looking about him, he got up from his comfy chair.  Thankfully, boss Michael was nowhere to be seen.  The other workers’ sat at their desks typing away on their costly computers.  He crept out into the passageway and made his way down.  So no one would be aware of what he was doing, he took it cautiously.

A short time later, he had reached the door to the lavatory.  

“Thank God for that,” he said in a low voice.

He opened the door and quickly entered.  He walked swiftly to the nearest cubicle, and sat down, first closing the door.  There was no one else about, but he felt more relaxed shutting the door then not.

A gigantic splash later, the deed was complete.

“That’s better.”

Something peculiar then occurred as he tugged the chain.  He wasn’t sure where the noise came from, but to him it sounded like a firework going off.  Then straight after, a pain could be felt right up his bottom.  Using all his strength he tried to get up.  After a minute, he’d succeeded..  He had difficultly standing straight, and losing his balance fell out of the cubicle and straight onto the floor of the toilet.  And there, Robert lay, flat on the cold floor, with his behind stuck in the air.  Between his buttocks he could feel something lodged up there, and it felt big.  And when he thought it couldn’t get any worse, it instantly did.

Robert heard a door open, and the sound of shoes tapping the hard floor just behind him.  He tried looking up, but had enormous trouble doing so.

“Who’s there?” he said in a pathetic sort of way.

He heard shuffling, and a voice which made him shudder.

“Hello, Robert.  I was hoping I would catch you today, as I have some news for you.”

It was Michael, the most feared boss of all time.

Robert answered in a polite sort of way, even though his spine felt like it was snapped in two.

“Oh, hello, Michael.  Are you having a pleasant day?”

“Well, I was.  Now for the matter in hand,” and there was a pause, after a while he continued, “Could I ask you a strange question please, dear Robert?”

“Yes, anything.  Fire away.”

“Don’t think I’m being brash, and there’s no easy way of saying this.  Why the hell have you got a toilet roll stuck right up your arsehole?”

Robert didn’t know how to respond to the question, and he done the best he could.  “Is it still raining outside?”

“A little bit,” was Michael’s only reply.

Robert felt like he should say something, not wanting to be discourteous, “Oh, that’s nice.”

His superior, who was towering at six foot three, and large around the stomach area, down to guzzling too much wine, paced the small room.

Robert could see him now, and it didn’t fill his heart with much happiness.  He could tell his boss was upset.

He tried saying something, to lighten the mood, “Don’t worry, it may never happen.”

Michael peered his way, with the most serious expression covering his forty-something face.  It was so serious in fact, that out of one to ten, it was definitely a nine or ten.  The sort of serious that only applies to certain situations.  Like, when you’re telling someone that their beloved family member has just died.

And as I am the creator of this very silly story, I will give you an example of a situation that I was recently involved in.

Knock, knock.

The door opens.

“Hello, Stephen.  I’m afraid Terry isn’t here at the moment,” she said, whilst standing in the doorway of her expensive apartment.

“Hello, Samantha.  I’m here because of your husband.  I’m afraid I’ve got something to tell you,” I said unconfidently.

“Oh, what’s he done now?” she answered, looking somewhat annoyed.

He had a reputation for drinking too much at times, then going missing for days on end.           

“Well, it wasn’t him as such.  He’s had an accident at work.”

“Is he okay?” she asked, concern in her eyes.

“I hate to tell you this, dear Samantha.  He is dead.”

“I don’t believe it.  Can I ask you one thing, did he suffer before his passing?”

“Not much, I don’t think,” I answered.

“So, what happened?”

“He fell into one of the machines he was repairing.”

“What sort of machine was this?” she asked.

“The one that shreds paper and cardboard.”

“Is there a chance you might’ve got your information wrong, and he might still be alive?”

“Well, his colleagues’ said afterwards that he’d filled up five bins with his limbs and organs,” I replied.

“Still, ask again.  I need to be sure.”

“Okay, I will,” I agreed.

She shut the door.

And I went on my merry-way.

Now, back to the story I was writing.

“What’s wrong, Michael?” asked Robert, watching the tall man from the floor.

After some unbearable silence, Michael answered, “Be honest with me, Robert.  Was you involved in some seedy sex-game, while you should’ve been working?”

A little confused, Robert replied, “What gives you this impression?”

Michael then laughed, showing his perfect white teeth.  “Look, mate, we’re all men here.  Don’t be ashamed of what you’ve done.  So, be honest.”

Robert gave it some thought, and realised where Michael was coming from.  “No, no, it’s not what it appears to be.  This was purely a mishap.”

Looking confused himself, Michael answered in a professional manner, “Please explain?”

He didn’t know where to begin.  He knew the trouble had started the moment he’d pulled the chain.  “This is going to sound outlandish, I think a firework was placed in the toilet that I chose to sit on, and resting on this was the toilet roll that is now lodged up my arsehole.”

Michael nodded his head in agreement, “This is a very serious business, indeed.  There will be a very thorough investigation, and once we have caught the culprit, he’ll rot in prison for many years.”

“Thanks for caring, sir,” Robert said, Michael wasn’t so bad after all.  Maybe, all these years he had just misunderstood him?

Then Michael spoke, a relaxed look on his face.  “Now we’ve got that over with, can I talk to you about the matter from earlier.”

Robert felt like there was a connection between them, and with a steely confidence, he answered the great man.  “Yes, fire away.”

Michael turned in his direction and said, “Lately, your work has been lacking.  And your toilet breaks are getting worse.  You know the rules, Robert.  Break times and  lunchtimes are for that sort of thing.  I hate to say this, as I look at you as a personal friend.  I’m afraid, we’ll have to let you go.”

Robert felt utter shock at what he’d just heard, and his only reply was, “What!”

Twiddling his thumbs and straightening his tie, which happened to be light-pink with white spots on, he paced the room some more.

Robert observed this, and found his superior’s taste in ties very queer indeed.  The tie he wore that morning was navy-blue, which went well with his purple shirt, and yellow suit.

On the back of his legs Robert could feel a chill, as the trousers were still around his ankles.

Michael then spoke, “Look, Robert, I’m sorry about this.  The decision was out of my hands.  If there is anything I can do, name it.”

Robert did need a favour, not involving work, but he needed that b*****d thing up his arse to be removed.  And as kindly as he could, he asked his boss.  “I do need one favour, dear Michael.  If you could be so kind, could you get this blasted thing out of my arsehole.”

Michael’s face then looked like it had been slapped a few times, and an expression of horror came over his face.  “I’ll try,” was his only reply.

He still lay in an awkward position, and his spine now felt like it had broken in five places.  He needed this toilet roll to be taken out as quickly as humanly possible.   “Please be quick,” said Robert.  He closed his eyes, knowing it was going to hurt like hell.

Reluctantly, Michael came closer, and with care and attention wrapped both hands round the end of the roll.  There was about two inches to grab hold of, the rest was lodged deep.

Robert could feel the thing moving in his bottom.  Also he could hear his boss breathing heavily as he tried pulling the thing out.

After a minute, Michael let go.  “I don’t want to hurt your bottom, Robert.  If I pull to hard I might cause more damage, and we don’t want this do we?”  Michael said between breaths.

“Please try again.  I trust you with my life,” begged Robert, he twisted his head in Michael’s direction, and gave him the nod to give it another go.

Michael looked surprised and impressed with his employer’s attitude.  “I’ve never realised this with you, dear Robert.  You are a very courageous man indeed.  I think after this is all over with, I shall have a word in a certain man’s ear about you keeping your job.  How does that sound?”

“Wonderful, dear sir.  And before we start this harrowing chapter in both our lives.  Can I just say that I think you are a lovely man with a heart of pure kindness,” said Robert in a delightful tone.

“This is much appreciated.  Now, it is time for me to begin.”

Yet again, Michael grabbed the roll with both hands, and with gritted teeth and steely determination pulled like his life depended on it.  When at last he felt the thing coming out slowly.  He tugged some more, and his heart was racing as the adrenaline was pumping furiously through his veins.

Robert with a little trouble twisted his head to see how his superior was coping with the task in hand.  

And then something truly terrible occurred.

Even though Robert hadn’t noticed this earlier, due to having a toilet roll stuck up his arsehole, behind Michael was a window.   The problem being, the window was wide-open and with one last pull the toilet roll that Michael held was released with such fury, that all Robert saw was the great man flying through the window at great speed, and vanishing from view.  Then a long piercing scream, followed by a squelching thud.

“Whoops!” was all Robert could think of saying.

I’ve just come to the conclusion that this story is truly awful, and I’ve said a couple of times already, as I am the one who created this ghastly work in the first place, I have decided to end it there.  Or if the truth be told, it’s ten thirty at night, I’m on my third can of strong beer.  And I cannot think of a decent ending, to justify even finishing the blasted thing.  So, I shall wish you a good night.  THE END.

                                            THE END

Reviews

[Marie]

This is a terrible story. A really terrible, terrible story. I'm glad you realized that and ended it. You posted it, and that took some courage.