Overboard

She shot me, right through the head with her deadly glare. Her tears of anger. Angry that I couldn’t understand her pain. She felt as if I was the enemy. I sat her down and told her everything she needed to hear.

“The heart is stubborn. I don’t think any of us can engage in full control over our feelings towards someone. Even though you may convince yourself you don’t like that person and tell yourself again and again ‘No no, you can’t like her’ or ‘No no, he will never like me, what’s the point’ , at night you find yourself wandering. Wandering at the possibilities. All that potential love you can offer them. Wonderful times spent together. The hugs, the kisses, the romance and the tears. Imagining exactly what you wish would happen. To experience that love, support and appreciation you haven’t felt for so long. Looking at yourself in the mirror, your pure self, whatever said and done, you care for that person - that feeling is out of your control.

But what you can control is how you go about acting on these feelings. Do you drop back to the end of the line and hide your feelings? Do you go forth and present them, giving it your all. What if you just but out?

I know what happened - you can’t kid me. You’re still in love with him but he's with someone else. 

Imagine yourself, sitting in a car with your friend. You in the driver seat and you friend in the passenger. You may not be able to see the worries in your expressions, but your friend can. Your friend looks over at your face.  It’s an emotional roller coaster you thought you can handle when you’re in love with somebody who is already in love with someone else. Thing is, you let yourself buy that ticket, stand in line and take that ride because you thought you were prepared for it - you thought you could handle all the fun and excitement roller coasters seemingly give. The thrills. Adrenaline rush that gets you active. You thought you could do it all. But later find yourself regretting it because you underestimated your fear of heights.

You hate having these impure thoughts now. The guilt attached to such thoughts is evident in the crinkles between your brow and your forehead. Your friend sees it all. You feel like crying your heart out but you have no reason to cry at all.

Let me present you to the reality of it. I’m stealing you away from your fantasy land, which has come out of nowhere. This isn’t like you. You’re a realist. 

Why should you go and ruin somebody else’s happiness? You will always be able, with time, to heal and get over these feelings. What makes you think you can even compare to what they share? 

Make your brain win over your heart. You are such a strong minded person. A proud individual who stands tall, with your chest out and your shoulders back. You dress well no matter how down in life you are. And all what you’ve done up until now, this fierce person, doesn’t happen over night or come with ease. You had to fight for it.

We have lovers and fighters in this world. You are indeed a fighter because you’re always fighting for the right to be loved. Whether it is with your own family or fight to be loved from the person you’ve fallen in love with. Sometimes you’re even fighting with yourself to maintain some sanity. You’re always fighting. You want to be recognized and appreciated and noticed. It’s frustrating when you see the goodness in other’s but they can’t see the goodness in you. Even if they do, they don’t give a round of applause in your honour. Where’s your award?  

You take pride in your battles and scars. You take pride in your battles because you know that not many people can do what you do. Keeping that poker face. You don’t walk, you strut. You strut as if you don’t even own a heart. You got this massive brain. A concrete ego. You take pride in the battles you fight but you are getting sick of it - and who can blame you, it’s exhausting. But you still fight - you carry on fighting because that’s all you can do. 

However,  you being human, you just wish for one moment that you can get a relief from all these mental battles. And you have discovered that this person relieves you from it all. And so you’ve fallen in love with that idea. They are, in your mind, the sanctuary from your battles. But the problem is that they don’t belong to you. They belong to someone else and in reality, proceeding with these feelings will just leave you finding yourself fighting again. There’s trust issues. Doubts. The works, attached to such a delicate dilemma. 

You’re not a bad person. You haven’t done anything. This situation is understandable. It’s a human error we all have dormant within our hearts. Yours has just been activated. It’s fine. Don’t worry child, most of us have been through it. All that needs some fine tuning is your mentality. You’re okay. Don’t think your not because I’m here right now applauding you for your work. I’m awarding you with medals of honour.”

I could still see the hurt in her eyes. Yet again, her brain was working. I reactivated the fierce in her. I could tell because she looked in the mirror, wiped off her smudged mascara and straightened her back. Her eyes were still like blood shots, her nose still runny. But she tied her ponytail high and swung it to the left. Her heart still broken, but pride by her side. Her healthy ego lifting again. She was down, but definitely wasn’t out. 

And even so, she wouldn’t dare to believe and accept being defeated - even if you told her so a million times. That’s her stubborn character. She’s a mule like that and everyone knew - she made sure everyone knew. Everyone.
 I’m telling you, as a warning - you can’t break this girl. It would be like punching a solid brick wall. You might find a few chips here and there. But, if you tried punching it - you end up with bleeding knuckles. 

She will chuckle at your bleeding knuckles. 

Your pathetic bleeding knuckles.

Author's Note

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