I gave myself to him

Another Dickinson imitation.

I gave myself to him

But he gave me away

Deception ripped me like a knife

Turned my heart off that day

 

He more than made his point

That I’m not fit to love

Just inadequate, not perfect

Not the girl you’ve dreamed of

 

A heart on heart collision

Where only one will cry

You will never again entice

This battered heart of mine

 

Yes, your morals need a frisk

To me that much is plain

Oh darling, I think you should know

You gave away the moon

Author's Note

Follows the exact rhyme and syllable scheme of the original poem that starts with the same line.

Reviews

[Saddam]

Yes, your morals need a frisk
To me that much is plain
Oh darling, I think you should know
You gave away the moon
Yes he might be know that he had left the cute moon....lovely poem....great read....

[Sami Khalil]

A splendid read and write...Thank you for penning...:)......................

[Chris]

People use "clever" as if it were a compliment...

I like the updating thematically to now... and the way it was you. The main weakness to me was the first line and its last word - "frisk", of the last stanza. The very last line held my eyes long after the final echo faded away.

[Cyrano]

Pow!! That's literally what I said when I finished reading the last line. Obviously the credit goes to Emily for the rhyme scheme, but good job choosing the words and not breaking or forcing her rhyme with them. I'm curios as to how you interpret the original, but I'm assuming you view it a piece on the binds of marriage. If there's anything I can say is that I would rather you direct the stanza at the reader as opposed to him. When you talk directly to him in the last stanza it shifts the connection from me and you and makes it between you and him because you're talking to him as opposed to me. I don't mean to sound like a jealous BF lol but writing to him as opposed to me makes me a bystander in your poem instead of a listener.

So for example:

Yes, his morals need a frisk
To me that much is plain
What pity that he'll never know
He gave away the moon

Idk if that ruins your intention. It's your poem and you can do whatever you want with it. I really don't know s**t about writing ill be honest, but I really think that subtle change would improve it. Last but not least f**k that chump. He could have bad the moon...