Move away, Leave him alone, He’s not right

A very emotional poem recalling a major anxiety attack when I was taking my son to play group. Such a simple task you would think? Not So!!!!!

Move away, Leave him alone, He’s not right

 

Daddy take me to nursery

Yes Son, no problem

Lies, lies, mask my fears

It is a huge problem

Just my thoughts, no words, shield his innocent young ears

Smile look happy, act like a perfect Daddy

Cold sweats, pumping heart, on my way to his school

A journey of dread, my shielded head protects me from stranger’s stares

Head down look at the floor

Avoid at all costs everyone’s burning glares

 

Getting close now, many parents now transfixed on me with their thousand mile stares

Children’s white noise, adults idles chatters

Do what is needed then escape, the only thing that matters

Get in, drop off, and avoid any contact at all cost

 

“Come on Daddy, you need to help”

Panic grows, I can’t remember anything, my mind grows blank

 

Temperature rising, chest tightening, walls closing in

A voice from behind starts to spout unwanted advice

“His shoes don’t go there”

“Have you forgotten his slippers?”

“No, no that’s not his peg”

I must escape, let me out, let me go, my mind is crushed followed by a plead and beg

I want to scream, but panic has engulfed me

I kiss him goodbye and say “see you soon”.

I feel helpless and lonely, a real buffoon

 

Sprint out of the door, grab the push chair

Run and escape, distance myself from a situation I cannot bare

Heart is beating so fast, soon it will burst

Breathless, weak, helpless, frightened and alone.

 

I collapse on the pavement, cover my head.

Roll in a ball, shake, sob, wail and moan.

Grab the pushchair, try to get up.

No use as I collapse back down in a heap on the floor.

Frustration and anger, a myriad of dark emotions I cannot take this anymore

 

Voices approaching, teenage kids walk by, then stop.

 

Laughing and pointing at a floored and feeble sight

I try to get up and way using all of my might

 

Another voice utters words that will forever haunt, filling me with feelings of flight, but sadly no fight

“Move away, leave him alone, he is not right”

 

I get home after an eternity.

Look at the clock, dreading the same again, how can this be

I cry and cry dreading the thought of doing it all again, at half past three