The Bomb House

This is a tragic tale of love gone wrong.

        Ted laughed as he opened the envelope. "An invitation for a 25 year high school reunion. What a joke. I'm

dying anyways."

        The doctor had given him six months to live. He knew he was ill, yet he was too stubborn to see a doctor. By the

time they diagnosed him, it was too late.

        Ted figured, if he had to die, he'd go out his own way. Since he had plenty of money anyways, he decided to go

all out. He had a house built for him, that's set to go off on a certain date. A few hours before the bomb is

triggered, the house will lock down.

        One day, as Ted was doing his routine hike around the abandoned walking path, he met someone. She was a

very pretty lady with innocent brown eyes, and a flower in her hair. She was dressed like someone out of the

Victorian era.

        "Ma'am," Ted said grinning from ear to ear, "I'm glad to see someone growing flowers in this place. This poor

park seems to have been forgotten about a long time ago."

        The woman jumps up, startled.

        "I didn't mean to sneak up on you like that," Ted said with a wink.

        "Why, hello, I'm Sherri. This is one of my favorite places to go. I come here to meditate. I'm just trying to

beautify the place a little bit." She blushed.

        "I love to garden," he said, "We should meet here more often."

        Soon Ted was meeting her at the park, practically every day. They would talk, hold hands, and laugh.

        A short time later, he asked Sherri to move in. "Why be lonely?" he thought. He decides not to tell her about

his situation, figuring this would only be temporary.

        Ted never thought he would fall for her as hard as he did. A thought kept occurring to him, that he had to

push out of his mind. "Why don't we just die together?" As the time grows nearer, he decides not to tell her.

        A couple days before the mechanism was set to go off, Ted changes his mind. He makes up an excuse to break

up with Sherri, and kicks her out of the house.

        The day of the countdown, Sherri sneaks in to check on Ted. He was not acting like himself, and she couldn't

understand why he made up a bogus excuse to push her away. Little did she realize, the house was set to lock

down in a few minutes. She crawled into bed with him, and he held her, speechless from the irony of the

situation. As they watched the "Death Clock" count down to the New Year, Ted sobbed because he realized there

was nothing more he could do. The last thing they ever heard were the shouts of excitement announcing the

start of the new year.

 

Reviews

[WhereItResides]

The story is an interesting idea, but lacks detail. Why did he get a bomb? That isn't exactly a normal way fro someone to react when they hear they are dying. They moved awfully fast in this story, I don't even know anything about Sherri and little about Ted beyond the fact that he is rich. If you don't make characters that we care about then the story is pointless because we just don't care what happens to them. How did she sneak into his house? Does he not keep his doors locked? What was the decision making in her going to check on him? Go into the characters head and explain why the make each decision. It will tell us so much about the characters and give us a far deeper understanding of them. How did he get a hold of a bomb? I'm pretty sure they would call the cops if I walked into Walmart and asked where they kept the bombs. Details like that truly help bring a story to life and breath life into the characters. These two are just words on a paper that you claim are characters.
It is an interesting idea, it just needs to be elaborated on and the characters need to be expanded.

Courtesy of the Constructive Critics