I fight

getting through another day as a widow

I fight to go on

every minute lasting hours

every day feeling like years

10 months out

sometimes it feels like you were here yesterday

sometimes it feels like forever

I wonder if you truly hear me when I talk to you

I wonder if you really are always with me in some way

I want for one day for time and space and heaven and earth

to stop so I can just see you

talk to you

hold you

kiss you

I want to know you are alright

I want to know you’ll be there when I cross over

my brain is constantly burdened by these questions

and it never eases 

not even for a moment

I have a constant headache

I never really smile

I never really laugh

I dont eat right anymore

I’m living on auto pilot

running on fumes

some days feeling like I cant take another step

cant force another breath

but because of you

I fight to go on