Dreams and Hopes

The one thing that he wanted, the one that always slips away, is finally in his grasp. It's all surreal, and magical. It's like a hidden dream of fantasy life. But dreams don't last forever.

“I can’t believe that you haven’t done it yet,” She smirked, nuzzling closer to the man until her bare shoulder touched his chest while her smooth sweet perfume caressed the man’s nose in an intoxicating manner.

“Well, I’m waiting for the right girl,” He explained, choking on his spit as he swallows more than once as he said his sentence.

It was almost difficult for the man to imagine that a woman is sitting on his bed with him, holding him tight like a lover.

“She must be some lucky gal,” the woman looked up the ceiling, trying to imagine what that girl might have looked like.

She was wearing a smile that was just perfect, mesmerizing the man making it difficult for him to look away.

“She will definitely be very special.”

The man doesn’t say anything else. He just tried not to think of anything at all, as if closing his mind from the world was actually possible, but truly, it’s not. Not when she’s so close to him making his imaginations and hidden desires run rampant.

Slowly, the man lowered his nose so that it will rest on top of her head. Taking a long sniff, he memorized the scent of every strand of her hair and locking it up inside his mind for him to keep. Then he moved to the side of her face, down her neck and on her shoulder, tickling her just a little bit. She was beautiful, far more than anyone he had ever met, and the captivating scent of her skin, smelling sweet with a hint of sun, did nothing to fend him off.

He wanted her, and she wanted him.

The woman pulled herself off him only to meet his face with only their noses as a buffer.

No one spoke, only breathed. It was something that they were both waiting for.

It was something that the man had always wanted.

She was the special one he was waiting for. She was the one who always slips off from his palms just as he was about to close it.

He lunged at her, pushing her to the wall beside his bed and kissed her eagerly. She didn’t fight him off, instead, welcomed him by pulling him closer and tighter against her own body.

Hearts throbbing, minds empty, and breathing heavy, they kissed like there was no tomorrow with hands gliding up and down through cloth and skin.

Then the man slowly breaks apart, taking the time to look at her elegant face, shimmering red lips, button nose, dark flowing hair, almond eyes and the tiny mole on her cheek.

She was an angel.

She smiled so heavenly that his heart melted away with a deep shivering breath. She just let him look at her, watching his eyes flicker and pan from one spot to another.

Satisfied, the man returns the smile, his lips slightly quivering. Then he pressed his lips to her one more time with no intention of pulling it away again. They kissed, this time slowly and adoringly, as he pushed her down to lay on his bed.

_______

It was raining outside but it didn’t stop the people from being busy. Armed with their umbrellas, they painted the dull roads and sidewalks with vibrant colors splattered over a gray canvas.

Though it was wet and freezing outside, the man was cozy inside the dinner and just watched as the painting move around and repositions its elements over and over again. He took a sip from his steaming cup of coffee, when finally she arrived through the door, making the little bell above it tinkle.

His eyes widened to see her again, especially now in her leather coat, and knee-high boots, her hair hanging in a ponytail and swinging behind her as she walked.

She waved at him the moment she saw him, and the man returned it with glee. She wrapped her umbrella tightly before placing it with the other wet umbrellas by the door.

It’s been a long while since the last time they were together, probably a few weeks without any calls or texts from each other.

To be honest, the man felt as if he was just another one-night-stand for her. But he still hangs on to a little hope that what they did was something more than what it seemed.

This now explains his excitement the moment she asked him to meet up for the dinner near her apartment. He was excited beyond normal human emotion would allow. To see her again would make his dull rainy world taste sunshine once more.

“How you’ve been?” The woman asked as she took a seat across him.

“Good, actually. Just ordinary days.” He smiled. “How ’bout you? What have you been up to.”

“Mostly paper works.” She giggled then her lovely smile once more. “Nothing pretty special these past few weeks... except for one thing.”

His brows furrowed with confusion. “Except for what?”

The woman bit her lip playfully before changing her seat to the one beside him.

Scooting over, the man faced her with a slightly serious face, determined to find out what she was about to say next.

“I think I have something you might wanna see.” She pulled her bag on her lap and ran her fingers over its contents.

“Ah-ha!” she folded her shoulders in her thrill, holding the little something inside her bag to keep it hidden.

“What? Just tell me!” He begged, laughing at how ridiculous he sounds.

“Alright,” she pulled it out and presented the white plastic thermometer before his eyes. “Don’t worry, I washed it.”

He tried to examine what it was, but he couldn’t make out what she wanted him to see. “I don’t get it,” He said, shaking his head in confusion. “What am I looking at?”

“What do you see, dummy?” She said giggling. “Hurry up, this is embarrassing!”

“What’s so embarrassing with a thermo-” That’s when he noticed the two red lines on a small pod on where he imagined the numbers would appear.

It wasn’t a thermometer.

“It’s a pregnancy test?” He asked heart throbbing and mind exploding in surprise.

“No, silly.” There was sarcasm in it.

Actually, it was full of it.

“What does it mean?”

The woman combed through her stuff once more before bringing out a piece of paper and showed it to the man. “See for yourself!”

It was the instruction for usage, and he took his time understanding how to use the kit.

Still in disbelief, he grabbed the pregnancy test from the woman and compared it to the instructions.

Finally, he lowered his hands and stared at the woman with a smile almost reaching his ears.

“You’re pregnant?”

“I was delayed, so I thought I should take a test.”

“Are you sure?”

The woman nodded subtly.

Then the man grabbed her in an embrace and held on to her for as long as he can, arms trembling with joy.

“This is such good news!” He was almost yelling.

“Shh.... Keep it down.” She laughed but preferred his amusement than keeping quiet.

But the woman doesn’t see just yet what she has done. She might not know it, but she just made his life a lot brighter than sunshine.

_____

It took him the whole afternoon to practice what he was going to say and how he’s going to say it. He wanted it to be perfect so that there would be no chance to say no.

He was nervous, obviously, and that is not about to lift away anytime soon. The only cure for the heavy feeling in his gut that the overpowered butterflies are to get down on his knee and ask for her hand.

Sound simple enough.

But it was hell to go through.

Now is the day and it cannot be delayed anymore. That woman whom he loved so dearly carries the child that he will love as much as her.

The vision of him being a father seemed so far-fetched, but it was not just a dream anymore. It’s about to come to reality.

Filling himself with the future that he can almost grasp, he rushed out of his apartment and hopped on to an available cab, stopping only to grab some flowers from a nearby flower stand.

He repeated his speech again and again on the way to the woman’s place. He was convinced that there was no reason for her to say no.

Finally reaching the place, he took extra effort to not just rush in there. No, he needed to compose himself; fix his hair, check his breath and make sure that all that he needs are in place.

He walked slowly towards the elevator with an irremovable smile plastered on his face, with cheeks blooming like roses. He seemed fairer than any other women he was with in that elevator.

Finally reaching her floor, he counted the numbers on each door.

501, 502, 503... Ultimately reaching apartment 515.

He checked on the door, it was not locked. He twisted it and pushed and on the sofa was a man, bald as an egg, with the woman on top of him.

The two stopped as they stared at the man in the doorway, flowers in hand. She can hear his heart breaking in a million pieces, his chest sinking to the abyss, and his head exploding beyond repair as guilt suddenly surges over her like a tsunami.

Dumbstruck, the woman was nailed to where she is, unable to decide which move to take next. She braced herself for what he was about to say or do and believed that whatever it might be she doesn’t deserve it.

Why would it be? There was no commitment between the two of them. They were just friends who decided to get frisky that one time and the result has nothing to do with creating a whole new relationship with him.

Pride defended itself, making humility the idiot clown in the dungeons of her mind.

But the man just smiled, though tears were heavy in his eyes.

“Sorry,” he said, pulling the door to a close. “Wrong room.”

_____

He held his phone tightly with both hands. It was already on his messages, addressed to the woman with a blank space for his text. But he didn’t know what to say. What would be the most appropriate thing to tell someone whom you’ve caught doing it with another man.

He screamed at the top of his lungs pressing his phone hard on his head. He tried to erase the image from his mind but it was stubborn and won’t let him go, haunting his every dream, crushing his every hope.

How long has it been since that day?

He already lost count.

He didn’t want to count.

He just wants to be free.

No one can possibly imagine the hurt he’s going through. How his heart always feels like it’s not pumping enough blood, or how his throat is always dry and heavy, or how his eyes are so puffy and sore from crying himself to sleep every night.

But why would he be broken? What exactly was going on between them?

There was absolutely nothing.

He was right. He was just a one-time fling that was never destined to live and burn so brightly.

He was an idiot for even imagining such a thing.

But what hurts the most is that his dreams of being a father just vanished with the woman he loved.

Thinking back whether or not to text her, he held his phone in front of his face, hairlines of cracks runs over his screen though it wasn’t completely ruined. He came back to where he started: what would you tell to someone who broke your heart?

Defeated, he dropped his phone on his bed and stood up to wash from his loathing filth.

His friends were right. He’s an idiot to contact her again after what she did. It doesn’t matter what sort of relationship they had.

It’s time to move on.

He switched on his lights in the bathroom, slips into the shower and washed it all away in a hot bath.

But as he did, his phone lights up in his bed with a text from the woman.

‘Park. Tonight.’

_____

The park was completely empty at this time of the night, but still it’s properly lit, almost leaving no space for shadows to creep.

The rain had just passed and left everything damp and chilly, the man’s breath fogging in the air.

It’s been an hour and still no sign of the woman, which now made him wonder if the message was for him, or if she had already left, or decided to stomp on the pieces of his emotion even more.

But there is just a side of him that just holds on to the belief that she will come.

And a little bit later, she arrived.

She sat on the bench beside him, silent and could not dare meet his eyes. There were no greetings or formalities whatsoever between them as they both just sat in the cold.

“I didn’t think you’ll show up.” The woman gave him as a swift glance, but long enough to notice her frail smile and burning eyes.

“I didn’t even know if that was really for me.” He was as cold as the weather and it stabs her like icicles.

Then the man sighs heavily. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I should be the one who should apologize. I know I hurt you badly...”

“But there’s no way to explain what you’ve done.”

“Yes,” She answered weakly, almost inaudible.

“What are we?” The man asked, finally looking at her.

“I don’t know.”

“Are you really pregnant?”

The woman nodded.

“Is it really mine?”

She tries to swallow, but chokes.

“He stood from his seat to try to get away from her, breathing heavily as he tried to control himself.

“Did you know...?” He said stiffly, irritation was evident in his voice.

All his hate for her was starting to show. He wanted to hit her but dreaded how it would make her feel. He hated the fact he still thinks of her even after what she have done.

“I loved you...”

The woman looked up at him, eyes wet, but wanting to hear more.

“And I still love you. You are all that I ever wanted. You are the only one I have ever looked at, the only one that I ever dream of and no one else. You are special to me, and always will be. And worst of all, I still want you.” He pulled out a ring from his pocket and presented it to her. His eyes are now damp with warm tears, because, after all, this time, he would still want her to marry him.

He started to ignore the voices in his head that're trying to stop him from what he’s doing. He shuts himself out of himself in order to get through this.

“I don’t care if the baby is mine,” he continued. “And I don’t care how stupid I would look. I will love it with all my heart as much as I will love you. But only if you’ll have me and only me. Please, just stay with me.”

Tears flooded her eyes and lips held tightly together.

She was like that for a while, not knowing what to do or say. But the ring was still in front of her, all she needed to do was take it and slip it on. She wanted to; every part of her mind screamed the same thing. He was the only man that will ever love her as much, no matter what she was or what she did. He was the only one who understood her and knows who she really is, and she knows all of this deep down.

Somewhere in her heart, she loved him too.

But she couldn’t.

He was so precious. Like a tiny glass figurine molded carefully to depict the most detailed beauty. He was priceless. And fragile. She couldn’t dare bring him into her world of seeming wonders that hide the darkness within. She couldn’t trust herself with such a beautiful prize. She didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve to be happy. She was far too deep to get back up again or for anyone to save her. She will only bring him down, and shatter his delicate qualities.

She couldn’t dare...

With a sigh, she touched his hand holding the ring and gently lowered it to his side, moving closer until he was a breath away from her. Slowly, patiently, lovingly, her lips touched his, kissing him with all the affection she has for him; with all the love and hope for what could have been, and all the hate and anguish for what she’s about to do.

Slowly pulling herself from him, wishing silently she could stay, she gave him a weak smile, and whispered: “Thank you.”

She squeezed his hands one final time before she walked away.