Suspended by the Imperfections

This is another attempt at writing lyrics. I used the structure of one of my favourite songs to help me build a base. I am not happy with it, but I decided to put it up. I need honest criticism.

The clouds are close
Its all of my own accord
Every painful pin
Suffocate my depths of despair

Ocean overflow
Rugged beauty burns away
Ready to fall back down
Crumple to the forest's floor

Grim smiles
Crashing above
Lies run wild
Crushing the love

Floating here
My feet never planted
Looks like I flew too high
Painful candor
Too alarming, mind of mine
A battle I cannot pass,
Confrontation can't be masked

Grim smiles
Crashing above
Lies run wild
Destroying love...

Reviews

[Brytt]

line 2, its should be it's.

Wonderful! This is an absolutely beautiful and moving poem. Simple, short, and sweet. You did a great job.

Now, to make it a "song", you would need a lot lot lot of work. It wouuld help me if I knew the base you were using so that I can try it on. Also, songs work a bit better most of the time (not all of the time, though) if there are more specific images than there are here.

[Vinod Kumar U K]

Nature`s Beauty copying with the cute landscape canvas.. nice work..

[Enigma]

It somehow does not come through as a 'song' but as a poem, its good enough. I remembered 'Evanescence' while reading your work. All in all, good job.

[Sagar Waingankar]

:/ too aggressive nature is being reflected in this poem. I can feel the fire that is furious to come out of words. I hope everything is fine! Spread love and get beloved! ~Love and Light~ Take care!