Nothing But Lies

We never say want we mean, and we never mean what we say.

I tried to fly away once. I can’t remember why. Maybe I was just so tired of the rivers flowing with red, and I wanted to try something new. So I did. And now I’m here, in this strange place filled with strange people. I guess we all have something in common; We all wanted to fly, but instead we fell.

 

I don’t mind being here really. If it wasn’t for this hell-hole, I never would have met you. You don’t know how badly I needed that. How badly I needed you.

 

From afar, your hair looks a lot like mine. It is the same black as a raven’s feathers, but from up close, I can see the red streams of mahogany. And those eyes; they are such a beautiful amber. Every time I look into them, they melt me like the honey they are made of. You are so mesmerizing. I could get lost in you forever.

 

You have been here longer than anyone, and you are older than everyone too. You don’t belong here anymore, but the white-coats are too afraid to let you go. You’ve tried to disappear many times, and I want to hold onto you and tell you everything will be okay. I know I’ll be lying, but I’ll say anything to keep you.

 

You tell me my eyes are the prettiest eyes you have ever seen. I tell you they are just blue, but you seem to think they are violets under the sun. I don’t believe you, but I won’t argue. I’d agree to anything if it meant you’d stare into my eyes the way you do.

 

I tell you I don’t belong here. I tell you I wanted to leap, but I never did. I say I forgot how afraid I was of heights. You say you’re afraid of death. I don’t believe you. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here in the first place.

 

You ask me why I’m here. I say it’s because everyone is afraid of me. You say I’m afraid of myself. You tell me you want to save me, but I say it’s impossible, no one can.

 

You hold me as I scream. The noise tears at the walls around us and shatters our hearts. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to be in this place that claims it will fix me because I don’t need any fixing. I’m fine, as fine as humanly possible. I ask why are they holding me captive when all I need is an escape.

 

You don’t want me to go. You want me to stay with you always, and you ask if I want the same thing. A month ago, I would have agreed with you, but now, I just want out. I don’t answer, and I can see how much I hurt you. Those golden eyes go dark. I killed a part of you that day, and there’s nothing I regret more than that.

 

You never told me what you did to get here, but I’ve seen your wrists. The scars are thick and pink and ugly, yet somehow, they are beautiful. You tell me you can’t win. You can’t leave no matter how hard you try. You say the only thing holding you here now is me. I hate you for that. Don’t put your fate in my hands. Don’t you know I mess everything up?

 

I do love you, and I do want to be with you, but I’m too scared. I wonder what you think, and I wonder what tortures you so. I wonder how you really feel about me. I’m so ugly that you could never love me. Not really. You’d leave me just like everyone else.

 

I tell you how much I miss the relief from the blade. You say you don’t miss it at all. You say you have hope. You smile at me, and I remember my name. Hope. You do have me, but for how long, I do not know.

 

You tell me you can leave. You say the white-coats gave you their permission, and you say it is all because of me. I smile for you, but inside, I am crying. You kiss me, and I do nothing. You might as well be kissing a wall.

 

Your bags are all packed, and I stand beside you at the doorway. You ask me if I’ll miss you. I say no, and you walk away without another word. I have never told a bigger lie.

 

You gave me my first kiss. I felt the sparks, but I didn’t let you see. I can’t cry, but I know I want to. A part of me died when you walked away.

 

I crawled into a hole when you left, and I can’t pull myself out. You came to visit me once. You told me you loved me and would wait for me on the other side. I told you not to when really that’s all I ever wanted.

 

I decide I can’t stay here anymore, so I plaster a smile onto my face. It is a fake smile, but it is the only thing that can get me out of here. Everyone’s a fool.

 

I want to see you again more than anything. And I do. I saw you on the sidewalk. You were holding her hand. You said you would wait for me. I guess I’m not the only one who tells lies.

 

I tell myself I don’t need you. I try to convince myself of it because that is the only thing that will ever make me feel happy. I don’t even know happiness anymore though. I don’t think I ever will.

 

I call you that night. I still have your number. I don’t even need the crumbled bit of paper because the seven digits are engraved into my memory. Your maid answers. I think you need a new maid; She speaks little English. I ask to talk to you, and she says you’re not home. I tell her I’m over you. I tell her to let you know to never call me again. Deep down, I know I need to hear your voice, but you never knew that. You never knew how much you mean to me.

 

I try not to think of you, and I almost succeed. I go on with my life as if you were never in it, but then at random moments, you reemerge. I hate those moments. They only bring back pain.

 

When I hear the news, I don’t understand. I can’t see why you would do such a thing, especially over me. The note you left must have been another one of your lies. I didn’t do that to you. You did that to yourself.

 

Only later do I realize she wasn’t your girlfriend. You never left me. You waited, just like you said you would. You only held her hand because she needed you. She was autistic and didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to be alone either. But that’s exactly where you left me.

 

You once told me you could never win. I never said so, but I didn’t want you to. If you won, I would lose you. But you finally did win, and I finally did lose. I never meant to take Hope away from you. If I could change the world, you could have her back. Forever and always, just like you wanted.

 

I can’t win either. If I won, I would have you still. But I told you once not to put your fate in my hands. I told you I mess everything up. You didn’t believe me. I know I lied plenty of times, but couldn’t you listen just that once? You never listened to me. Or maybe it was that you listened far too much. That’s another thing about me; I never say what I mean, and I never mean what I say. I wish you had known that.

 

The rivers run red again, and I have never seen them flow so quickly. They are so beautiful, just like you. I sink to the floor, and the red streams mix with the black tile, much like your mahogany hair. I shiver, yet I am oddly warm. Those honey eyes of yours did this to me. That’s the last thing I see before I fly, and I swear, I can feel your arms around me once again.

 

I’ve finally gotten my wings.

Goodbye.

And I’m sorry.

　

　

　

　

　

 

Author's Note

Please tell me what you think.

Reviews

[Christine]

This also hooked me from the start.
There's something so beautiful and captivating about this as well as broken and tearful.
You did a wonderful job with this! I love it!

[nostal]

Hooked me from the start, immensely entertaining and amazingly told.