The Hardest Part

One girl has to accept the fact that her boyfriend may not be there for her much longer.

The window ledge was cold against her fair skin, but she hardly noticed; she was far too numb. Her pale blue eyes focused on the bright yellow sun outside, hoping this would make her forget, but nothing could give her this memory lapse. Instead, the colorful rays seemed to mock her, shining a happiness her way that she doubted she would ever feel again.

He moaned, and she whipped around in a split-second reaction. It was odd, how the yellow pallor of his skin, as sad and pitiful as it seemed, resembled ever so slightly the color of the sun. He lay very still for a moment, and her heart jolted with anxiety, but his sudden stirring eased her nerves, and she was able to breathe again. A cough escaped her throat.

"Hmm?" he questioned, tilting his head in her direction a mere fraction of an inch. She wanted to move towards him and help him, but she held back out of fear.

"You okay?" she managed, asking him the question that was always on her mind.

"Yeah."

"Are you sure?"

"Okay as I ever will be."

"Don’t say that."

"But it’s true."

She had no response to this, so she changed her approach. "No more chemo, huh?" she asked, trying to keep her tone light, when in reality, it was caving in with the weight of the world.

"Yup."

"But why not?" The urgency in her voice was sickening.

"Because it’s killing me."

"Don’t say that."

"But it’s true," he repeated, and he shrugged the tiniest shrug, a shrug that was so unnoticeable that she had to think twice as to whether it had even been there in the first place.

"How?" she quickly demanded.

He closed his eyes and sighed, not a sigh of frustration or annoyance, but a sigh of calm understanding. "Because the chemo, which is supposed to save me, is destroying me instead."

"How?" she pressed, not wanting to accept this news.

"It’s killing all my vital organs. I can’t live if they can’t function," he said simply, as if explaining something to a small child.

She took a deep breath. His words, no matter how serenely they had been spoken, stabbed her like a thousand knives. "What about lower doses?" she persisted in an attempt to hide her anguish, but he could see right through her.

"I guess they could," he droned slowly, thoughtfully. "But the only reason I was given the higher doses was because the low ones stopped working their magic. I doubt they will now, seeing as the cancer’s spread so much."

"Radiation?" she pressed.

"Maybe, but even if they used it, not all the cancer cells would die. I have it in my lungs, and the radiation can’t be used there."

"Why not?"

"That’s too close to my heart. My heart’s broken, and the radiation would only make it worse."

My heart’s broken...These words grasped tightly at her chest. Her heart was broken too, but in a different way. Hers was shattering as they spoke, and her lungs encompassed the tiny wreckage. "Marrow transplant?" she croaked.

"I’m already on the list."

She crossed her arms defiantly. "Then we’ll wait."

"We may not have time."

"What do you mean?" she asked, her stance faltering.

"It might take a while to find a proper match."

"I’m not going to lose you."

"You can’t stop it."

"Why are you giving up?"

He smiled vaguely. "I’m not. My body is."

"It’s not funny," she mumbled.

"You’re right. It’s not."

"I’m not going to let you go," she pouted.

"You’re going to have to."

"You’re not..." But she couldn’t bring herself to finish the sentence.

"Dying is just a part of life," he said, stating the word she was too afraid to say.

"The end of it," she offered sourly.

"Or a new beginning," he suggested.

The silence that followed this was loud and dreadful. Finally, she broke it with a simple request. "May I kiss you?"

"No."

Another piece of her heart broke off. "Why not?" She wanted to cry, but she bit back the tears.

"Because that’s the hardest part."

She was baffled. "Kissing me?" she asked incredulously.

"Leaving you."

"You don’t have to."

"Yeah, I think I do."

The dam broke.

"Come here," he whispered softly.

"Where?"

"Here." He patted the space next to him.

"Why?"

"Sleep with me?" It was more than a request; it was a heart-breaking imploration.

Stubbornly, she said "I thought you were pushing me away."

"I need you." The tranquility was vanishing. A plea was taking its place.

The hesitation dissolved, and she crawled into bed beside him. The tiny twin mattress didn’t seem fit for two, yet she somehow fit nicely against his figure. He pulled her close, and she could feel his skin was papery thin, but his body was surprisingly warm. He wrapped her in a cozy embrace, and she inhaled abruptly. She thought she would be afraid of this hug, imagining his brittle arms would snap like twigs around her frame, but they were just as strong and protective as ever. She exhaled her unexpected breath of air.

"Don’t cry for me."

"I can’t help it," she whimpered.

"I’ll be okay."

"How do you know?"

"I just do."

She paused before saying "I believe you."

"Do you?"

"Yes," she answered, and she did. She always did.

"Good."

There was another silence, but this one was not painful like the last. It was, in fact, somewhat soothing. The silence provided a blanket of comfort, and the shivers of anxiety began to slip away. "You will wait for me?" she asked suddenly.

"Wait for you?"

"Wherever you go, you will wait for me?"

"Of course."

"Good." She was satisfied by his response, and she knew it was true.

"Will you still love me?" he hesitated.

"Always."

"I don’t want to keep you from moving on."

"In the end, you’re all I want...forever."

He reached over and wiped her eyes, but the flow of tears had ceased and begun to dry. He tucked her hair away and pressed his lips against her ear. "I love you. I love you with all the strength of my being. I love you with my entire capacity to love. Whatever happens to me, know I never gave up. This is the hardest part, leaving you. I don’t want to leave you. But if it’s my fate, then I have to." He placed his skeletal hand against her chest, where her heart was sheltered. It wasn’t crumpled into a million pieces anymore. It seemed to have somehow managed to put itself together, and although it was entirely fragile, it was whole again. "I’m in there, darling. I won’t ever leave you, because I’m a part of you now." He turned his head towards the window, where the sun had vanished and the moon had taken its place. "Sweetie, if you ever begin to forget me, just look at the sun or the moon or the stars. I’ll be there."

She followed his gaze to the thin crescent moon, the beautiful sliver of light, and this reminded her of him as well. He was withering away, but he would always give her that trace of light and hope. The sun too, which was bright and happy, would remind her of him, for he was the most cheerful person she had ever known. Even the millions of stars, shining their light all over the black night sky, would serve as a reminder. They were scattered into a million different places, just as he had scattered himself into a million different hearts. She need not worry because she could never forget him, not with him living all over the sky like that.

He turned her eyes back onto him, and she could tell he was fighting off sleep. She pressed her porcelain hand against his sallow cheek, and his eyes fluttered open. "Hmm?"

"Hush now, honey. Close your eyes again and sleep well. Dream wonderful things. I won’t leave you. I’ll be here in the morning."

A smile exploded across his face, lighting up his features. "You’re my everything, do you know that?"

She caressed his face and touched her lips against his. It was a soft kiss at first, but then it was filled with a fiery passion, an urgency, as if her life depended on it. When she pulled away, her eyes were swimming again. She grabbed his gown into her hands, clutching at the thin fabric. "You stole my heart from the start. I don’t want it back. It’s my gift to you, so take care of it, will you?"

His eyes were wide with surprise, but he nodded. "I will. You’re a part of me now."

She took in a deep breath, blinked once, and the fervor had vanished. She laid back down, head resting against his chest. "Don’t forget, I’ll be here in the morning. I won’t leave you, not even for a second."

He gave her a peck on the forehead, and together, their breathing slowed to a quiet hum.

 

The sun filled the room with a golden light, and her eyes fluttered open. Groggily, she sat up, yawned widely, and stretched her arms to the ceiling. She opened her mouth to speak but realized there was no one to speak to. She had promised she would still be there in the morning, but he had never made that same commitment. He was gone.

She walked towards the window ledge and sat there, staring out into the glowing sky. She raised her eyes to the sun, squinting, and was suddenly filled with joy. He had been right; he was exactly where he had promised to be. She pressed her hand against her chest, where his heart rested. No, he hadn’t left her, he had just gone on a new journey. One day, she would follow him there too.

Author's Note

Critique desired.