The Hamster Files

Martin S. Rat and his best friend Chunky Kevin are out doing their normal business. But when Martin meets someone at one of the local stores, everything changes.

 As he was watching the wind blow on a hot, humid summer day from his office, Martin S. Rat was finishing up some important papers. It was 12 noon and all the rest of the police hamsters of Hamsterville were out at lunch. While eating his coleslaw, Martin heard sirens in the background coming from outside. “I just wish I could save the girl of my dreams from a terrorist attack,” he said under his breath looking sad. “That’s it. I’m Out of here.” Martin got his things and was out the door onto the beautiful Hanford Street in the city of Hamsterville. This was no ordinary street, this was the most popular streets to shop in the world. Martin walked out and smiled. He started to snort for some odd reason, as which most hamsters in Hamsterville do.

Martin saw a young woman standing in front of Hollister talking on her cellphone. She was looking the other way from Martin. But Martin kept eyeing her. On the phone, the girl was talking in her very strong valley girl voice, and she was saying, “hey girlfriend. Hey, you should get those hips of yours waxed. You would look better if you did. No. No, you’re stunning girlfriend, no matter what you look like.” She kept going on and on talking on her cellphone. Martin smiled and said, “I love the world,” in a romantic tone. Martin started skipping up the sidewalk and took his smile with him. But in the background there were people screaming, cheering, clapping, and taking pictures. He wondered why everyone was doing this. His curiosity told him to stop where he was and do some model poses for the crowd. Out of the crowd of people, a hamster who seemed to be high on crack or something shouted, “look, he’s naked!” The crowd of people started to laugh. Martin slowly took his smile off his face and slowly looked down. Martin screamed, turned around and attempted to run the other way. But someone punched him on the head. He did not even fall to the ground. He stood there feeling real sick to his stomach. A minute later, the guy punched him again. Martin tried to punch him back.

Martin woke up. He was tilting at windmills in his bed. “Ohhh. My head,” he said in pain. He looked at the clock. 9:45 am. “Man, why does my head hurt?” He looked up at the ceiling, and a piece of his ceiling came down on his little head. Half of his roof was missing and was falling on his head. The T.V was on and it was the movie the Ten Commandments. “Let my hamsters go! No, I will not let you Israeli hamsters go!” said the movie. “ I got to move out of this apartment. It smells like dead cockroaches, also.” Martin knew exactly who to call for that problem. His best pal in the world, Chunky Kevin. Chunky was one of the few. The few very strange hamsters in all of Hamster Earth. He was the fattest and heaviest hamster you will ever have seen. He was so fat, he was in the Hamster World Record Book. “Hello, Chunky?” said Martin. Chunky Kevin had picked up the phone, but he never responded. Chunky Kevin was so stupid, that if you gave him some glue, he would try to glue his butt cheeks together. But after every time, he would just leave the glue in their for days until his butt got moldy and crusty. Also, Chunky Kevin was so fat, that on his body, there were still places that have still been unexplored. “Chunky. Chunky,” Martin said with an impatient tone. “Huh, what... what, who’s there?” said Chunky in his mindless era of stupidity. “Oh, o.k., Chuck it’s me, Martin. I need you to come over to my apartment.” Unexpectedly, Chunky Kevin hung up. “Well, that’s not a surprise,” said Martin as he was putting on his clothes. Martin quickly put his clothes on and headed out the door. Martin forgot to do something as he was walking out the door. He forgot to tell Chunky what time to come over.

Martin decided to drive to Chunky’s house. He drove in his little Ferrari onto the freeway. He turned on the radio. “There is still tons of chaos out here from last night. There was an apparent naked boy hamster on the loose right next to the Hamsterville Police Station. Back to you Mary,” said the reporter on the radio. “What!” He paused in shock. “I bet it was just a coincidence, because my dream was just like that,” as his voice got quieter and quieter. Martin parked next to Chunk’s shack. Martin walked up to his broken door that apparently had nails that were stuck on the door with tape. Martin thought that Chunky thought that was how to fix the door. “Huh, who’s there? Is that you Mr. President? I hope not because because if it is you, I wanted to tell you to stop blowing up my toilet. Oh wait, that was me. Oh, it’s you Martin. Hi. I was just practicing my trombone,” said Chunky Kevin. “What, your butt?” He started to laugh but then looked serious again. “Well, we have to go to the store before we go back to my apartment. We’re going to the Home Depot to get some things.” Why do we have to go there?” Chunky said putting an emphasis on the last word. “Well, you know we have to get a garden hose. Remember, every time you come over to kill insects, you like to stuff the hose up your butt and fill the hose with water. Then, the water goes up your butt and it will blow you up to the size of a bowling pin. You do this because when your blown up, you roll around the apartment and kill all the bugs, remember?” Martin was telling this to Chunky Kevin like he had never heard this before. “Oh, yeah.”

The car ride was a quick one. They arrived at the Home Depot. Martin got out of his car and did not see Chunky get out of the car. Martin heard some strange noises coming from the other side of the car. “C’mon Chunk,” said Martin aggravated. Martin walked over to the other side of the car. Chunky was stuck. He could not get out of the car. “Alright, Chunks. The only way to get you out of the car is up.” “Which way is up?” Martin did not even bother to listen. Martin’s car had a big window at the top of it. Chunky climbed back into the car and got ready to break through the top window. Martin opened the window. “All right. When I count to three you will jump and push up as hard as possible. 1...2...3!” Chunky jumped straight up and tried to get out the window. But the little dumb moron hamster did not succeed. He was stuck again. “For the love of god, not again! “o-o-o-oh! Chunky repeated in pain. “Ok. Ok. Chunky?” “Yeah” “You stay here, stuck in the window, and I will go get the hose from the store. I’ll be right back--!” said Martin backing away slowly into the store.

While Martin was walking up one of the aisles, he saw a woman hamster talking on her cellphone standing in front of the hoses. She was saying, “girl, you are a model. What you’re sick? hives? Like Nicole Itchie? Well, that’s not as bad as me. I’ve got Athletes Paw.” Martin looked at her and said, “now this is not just a coincidence.” The girl-hamster got off her cellphone and tried to pick up a hose. She had trouble picking one up. ‘May I help you with that, hamstriss?” “Why thank-you,” said the woman-hamster. “Well, what’s your name you sexy hamster?” she said in a sexy tone. “M...My name is Martin. Martin S. Rat.” The girl-hamster bent over and slowly picked up another hose. Martin just stared and try to enjoy the moment. Martin had an expression on his face like he was heaven. He thought she was the hottest girl-hamster he had ever seen. “Well, my name is Juanaphina. Juanaphina Toto.” They were inching closer and about to kiss when suddenly there came a snorting noise coming from the end of the aisle. Martin and Juanaphina turned their heads around slowly. There was a fat hamster on the ground sucking up all the dirt off the ground and was inching closer. “Ahhh! What is that?” “I bet it’s just some perverted hamster,” said Martin. That fat hamster on the ground was Chunky Kevin. “Oh, hi Martin.” “You know him?” said Juanaphina in disgust. “Yeah, he’s my best friend.” “Well, he’s ugly,” Hey, you know what? There is this fat hamster rolling down the hill contest, tomorrow. I think your friend would do very well in that. “Oooh, a contest. Does the winner get to take home a box of cookies?” said Chunky excitedly. “No,” said Juaanphina still recovering from the shock she had in her. “Well, here’s my number, Martin. Call me tonight if you think your friend is going to join.” “Ok, well, see ya.” replied Martin.

“Hey, Chunky? How did you ever get out of my car?” Well, let’s just say I had to do something I am not very proud of.” On the way back to Martin’s place, he kept screaming at Chunky kevin for messing his chance to kiss Juanaphina. “I want to be in the contest!” said Chunky while he was blown up and  killing the insects. “Fine,” I will call Juanaphina. Chunky Kevin wound up sleeping on top of Martin’s T.V. that night and broke it the next morning. “Well, that was a good start to the morning,” said Martin sarcastically. They arrived at the Hanford Street, where the contest was going to take place. Juanaphina showed up at the event just in time. The wind blew hard that day so there was a better chance to roll down the hill faster. “Ok, Chunks, all you have to do is roll as fast as possible, Ok?” Ok. Good luck,” said Martin looking rather uncertain about Chunky winning. The announcer announced the contestants and then told them to get ready. And they were off. Martin and Juanphina were cheering from behind the finish line. All the contestants were rolling, but Chunky Kevin was bouncing. He bounced all the way to the finish line. All the contestants stopped rolling, but Chunky did not. He kept on rolling and hit tons of people in a way. It looked as if a Macey’s Day Parade float was rolling down Hanford street. A little hamster-boy was walking down the sidewalk licking his lollipop, whistling. and saying, “boy, do I love the Hamster World,” and kept on whistling. But out of nowhere came Chunky rolling down the hill aiming right for the little hamster-boy. They both collided.

Chunky Kevin woke up in the hospital. “O-o-o-oh! Am I in hell? Well, if I am, will someone tell Cerberus I say hi? o-o-o-oh. “No Chunky, your in the hospital. You suffered from Yourveryfataphimia. It’s where your fat is tired of being fat, so your fat dies and you become skinny.” “Wow!” said Chunky Kevin. “So your now skinny and well...something else too.” You suffered from YourIQwas17soyournowsmartnowaphobia. So you are also smart now!” “Wow! Oh. What happened to that boy-hamster I hit?” “He...he was squished to death like road kill.” “Oh, man, I’m so sorry,” said Chunky Kevin in shame. And from that day forward everything that Chunky Kevin did was smart and not outrageously idiosyncratic. But he still kept his nickname as Chunky. Martin and Juanaphina got married. There new name was Mr. and Mrs. Toto-Rat. There new baby was named Pellet and everyone lived happily ever after.     

Author's Note

This is a very stupid, but funny story. Just to tell you, this is not my best work I have done. So don't get the impression that I am a bad writer after this story.