The Beginning of an Era

Philly Greenburg, a mouse in the streets of Paris, does not want to attend the ball until he learns Alice is going.

The skies were dark and dreary; the streets of Paris were nestled below the night time vault of heaven which was lit up by a flash of lightning. The rain endured over the city of lights; it glistened as it thrashed over rooftops and chimneys. On the small street of Rue de la Victoire, tucked away in the crevices of Paris marked the residence of the Greenburg family. Philly Greenburg sat on the edge of his bed staring out into the night he sees the back alley in deluge. The mouse family had lost track of the number of days that the rain forced them to hide away in their mouse hole for the rain seemed to never end. His mind was occupied on his absence from the outside world. The strong odor of chocolate and flour broke his thoughts as the aroma leaked briskly into the bedroom through the crack under the doorway. Philly leapt off his bed, and quickly made his way out of his chambers as he slowly closed the door.

Margaret Greenburg was in the kitchen down the hall confined by pots and pans. Every cabinet door ajar as Margaret paced across the room baking brownies, cookies, and other assorted goods. A thimble rested on the opposite end of the countertop which overflowed with flour.

“What’s all this?” Philly remarked as he entered from down the hall.

“Hi honey, I’m doing some last minute baking for the ball tomorrow,” Margaret rummaged through the cabinets, “can you pass me the flour over there on the counter dear.” She indicated to the thimble with her paw as Philly brought over the thimble with four.

“What’s the point of all this baking mom? It does not look like the rain is going to stop anytime soon. I’ve forgotten what it looks like outside without the rain. It looks like the ball might be cancelled this year, but then again why bother even going.” Philly grabbed a chair and clambered on top of it taking a seat at the table.

Margaret took the flour from the thimble and poured it into a small mixing bowl. The majority of the flour emerged onto the counter under her bowl; she slammed it onto the counter with a thud.

“Philly, the ball will go despite the rain. If only you were around when…“

Philly spoke out neither noticing nor caring that he cut off his mother’s words, “Every year it’s the same thing, you make the deserts, and Alice helps out with games and I always get stuck being the model for pin the tail on the donkey.”

  Margaret piled her dishes one on top of the other without regard, even layering large dishes over smaller ones. She scooped up her mess and walked over to the sink passing by Philly at the table.

 “What is the point? I wish for once it would be cancelled. It will save us some time,” Philly moaned. Margaret was taken aback causing her to fumble under the weight of the dishes causing the jumble of bowels and saucers to clang and clatter to the floor.

“If only you were around when Medea walked the streets,” Margaret whispered as she began to pick up the dishes.

Harvey Greenburg stormed into the kitchen with his spectacles falling off the edge of his nose and his pocket watch swaying back and forth, “What was that infernal racket?” Margaret looked at her husband in disbelief as she gestured to the assorted dishes blanketing the floor.

“What do you think it was?” Margaret said with sarcasm dripping from her voice.

“Who’s Medea?” Philly asked disrupting the tension in the kitchen.

Harvey raced over to the kitchen drapes and hastily drew them closer together. His eye full of fear, surfaced in between the drapes, looking for anyone who may have been in earshot or whom may have heard the mention of the name of the barbarian.

“How did you hear about that name?” Harvey asked angrily. Philly looked over at his mother and pointed his trembling finger at his mother.

“He has a right to know about Medea.” Margaret screamed in Harvey’s face.  

“Marjorie, you must not be so loud. Come on, what if...what if one of the neighbors was to hear you. Thankfully no one did Marjorie. The coast is clear, but please do not mention that name ever again.” Harvey pulled back from the window looking over his shoulder at Margaret staring daggers at him, the dishes forgotten on the floor. She picked up one of the many dishes, considering it. The sound of long forgotten screams and wails filled her head, her eyes clouded in memory as a teardrop escaped her eye. She inhaled a long, deep breath as she placed the bowl delicately into the sink.

            “Harvey, you know damn well I have no problem saying her name and above all people neither should you.” Margaret filled the bowl unconsciously with soapy water running the rag in circles. Philly approached his mother and taps her back which snaps her out of her muddled state of mind.

“Why did daddy act that way when you mentioned…” Philly stopped himself gazing at his father, “why did daddy act that way when you mentioned her name mommy.” Margaret began to open her mouth; she took a deep breath, followed by a quick glance over at Harvey, and then swallowed, shutting her mouth at once before Harvey soundlessly leaves.  

            “Mommy…is everything alright?” The room filled in with the sound of silence. Maragert follows after Harvey then abruptly stopped to notice her only son Philly standing quietly at the sink in confusion. Margaret gulped for air then sat down at the table.

            “This annual ball is very important for all of us. You are not old enough to understand the horror of Medea. She’s a rat, the most evil one of all, who came to power with an iron fist.”

            “I thought Cornelius was our leader mama…” Philly stated.

“He is now but it was not always the case. Before Cornelius came along for nearly thirty years we were ruled by this rat. She was mad with power. She caused so much fear that just the very mention of her name caused panic. If you walked down the streets and got in her way you better had pray she was in one of her better moods. Her ultimate penalty was death and more mice perished under her rule than by ever before. In order to survive her wrath we all had to keep in hiding, which is why the annual ball is so important. It’s when we celebrate that the reign of terror is over. Do you understand Philly?”

“Yes Mama, but how did Medea become so terrible?” Philly asked.    

 “Have you finished talking about that rat yet?”Harvey entered the kitchen, “she just was.”

All of a sudden there was dead silence with the exception of the rain as it rattled against the window panes trickling its way down. The rain diminished until it ceased abruptly. Philly, Margaret, and Harvey looked at each other in shock. They were dumbfounded as a split second later all three mice raced out of the kitchen and through the front door into the depths of the night.

From every nook and cranny the mice slowly crept out onto the city streets not believing if the sheets of rain had ended. The waters drained from the streets of Paris and ultimately disappeared after months of endless downpour. The voices of the mice sang out in the verse of days to come. At every street intersection the mice greeted old friends and acquaintances. They all joined hands and sang while encircling the Wallace Fountains.

“When the rain leaves the skies

Rejoice, if only for a moment

A force high in the mountains hidden in ice

The days are long; the black heart toughens

Time will come when the hero shows himself

We will finally then be free”

At the song’s conclusion Philly broke his grip with the paws of the other mice and ran of in search of Alice.

“Philly, don’t go too far,” Philly hardly noticed his mother calling out behind him. He turned sharply, almost knocking over an elder mouse walking towards the gathering of rowdy mice.

“Geez, I’m sorry mister” Philly said and hurried away. A female mouse ran towards Philly failing to stop in time and stop herself from colliding into him.

“Philly…,” Alice called out, “here let me help you.” She helped Philly up off the ground almost falling on top of him.

“Alice…” Philly speaks out, “thanks.”

“Hi Philly, how’s it going?” Alice giggles while her snow colored cheeks turn bright red.

“It’s going well…a lot…a lot better now that the rain stopped. We’d better get back though before it gets too late.”

“Hold on a sec. Am I going to see you at the ball tomorrow? If you are going that is…”  Alice fiddles with the bun of her hair self consciously. She takes a step closer to Philly, “You are going, aren’t you?”

“Are you kidding why wouldn’t I? This is my favorite time of year. I’d never miss it.” Philly rubs his paws through his hair and checked over his shoulder in attempt to hide his blushing cheeks, “Well, its getting late I’ll see you at the ball tomorrow at the castle.” Philly ran off into the distance to meet up with his mother and father.

 

Her shadow walked through the snowy expanse of the French Alps. Stringy hair which fell to her back had long ago frozen. The air made it hard to breathe which had become erratic and visible in the cold air. Her body quivered since her shawl provided her with little protection because it had torn and become frayed through use. She struggled for balance against the bitter gusts of wind. She moved on refusing to think back to what had brought her here. At this moment of time, she only worried about finding shelter. They would curse the day they forced her into this predicament. She would yet again have the power that those fools, those imbeciles, had stripped from her.

Reviews

[Matt Pellegrini]

This is a very very small thing, and I usually don't pick up on or focus on such small details but I think the opening line, "The skies were dark and dreary; the streets of Paris were nestled below the night time vault of heaven which was lit up by a flash of lightning," would flow better just by changing the word which to and or making it two separate sentences. ..."The sky was lit up by a flash of lightning."

"Philly Greenburg sat on the edge of his bed staring out into the night he sees the back alley in deluge." Missing something between 'night' and 'he'. I'd place "as" in between there for the simplest fix. And then I think it would be "as he saw," since 'sat' is past tense.

Obviously there's only been one specific character introduced so far, but the sentence "His mind was occupied on his absence from the outside world," should start with Philly's instead of His, just for more clarity and a more concrete image.

After reading only the first paragraph, I'm a bit unsure of who the Greenburg family is. Are they mice? Or are they actually humans?

Alright, I've come to the conclusion they are mice when I saw paws and such. I think the part that threw me off, was when Philly closed his door. And how he had a bed. Are these human sized mice sort of like Pixar type characters or are these still mice in a human world? Where they are small and confined to hole's in walls? I don't think this is a major concern, but if there's anyway you could sort of clear up whether they are still in a human-run world, I think that would be something good for the story.

"but then again why bother even going.” I think this sentence right here is something that could be expanded on. Why does Philly think that? Has the ball lost its luster lately? I think there's a lot more that you could reveal to the reader if you wanted to.

"Margaret was taken aback causing her to fumble under the weight of the dishes causing the jumble of bowels and saucers to clang and clatter to the floor." Causing is used twice in this sentence making it seem kinda run-ony or something. Also bowls for bowels.

"She picked up one of the many dishes, considering it." Something very very minute and nitpicky, but I'd do away with 'considering it.' It's sort of a very abstract action. In what ways is she considering it? Looking to see if it's cracked or chipped? If you would add something along those lines, you could keep it, but "considering it" is just too vague.

About the midpoint of the story, your tense does change to a bit more present tense from what was previously past tense. "Harvey leaves." "Philly taps." So these and the rest of the story need to be edited accordingly, either to a past or present tense.

As far as suggestions go, I would go for present tense if you can. I know that writing in present tense sometimes just feels awkward and can be hard to do, especially writing from a 3rd person POV. But the present tense makes action and what is occurring seem more immediate and usually has the reader feel more close. The choice won't drastically change the story, but it's something to consider, what tense you'd prefer to use.

You may have a bit of a contradiction here. "It’s when we celebrate that the reign of terror is over." Yet, Harvey is worried when Marjorie even speaks the name "Medea." If the name Medea itself, is sort of taboo to the mice, than I'd make that clear, that it is simply the name that shouldn't even be said.

"Time will come when the hero shows himself/We will finally then be free” Interesting last lyric to the song. Makes me think that Philly may end up being this prophesied hero.

Overall, I think the story really picks up in the 2nd half and towards the end. There's definitely more hints of what is to come, some foreshadowing, more character interaction, more plot/conflict development.

I get the feeling the first half of the story is a way to sort of set up the backstory, but it does seem just a bit forced in and straightforward. Maybe having something else going on for Philly at the time, maybe something that could hint at the hero Philly might become. He's in his room practicing, I don't know, some skill that will be important. Then when the he goes into the kitchen and the ball/Medea comes up, it won't seem like the only purpose of the beginning it to get that story out.

There are a few interesting connections I noticed, maybe intentional, maybe not. The time of Medea as ruler and the mice going into hiding recalled a WWII/Nazi vibe. Plus, the name "Medea" will probably draw most readers to the allusion of the character Medea from Greek myth/plays. These are just a couple things I thought I'd point out.

You know, I'm not sure the tone this story will continue on. Like I'm not sure if this will be more of a younger/children's story (Pixar) or end up a bit more mature. The good thing is, at this point, either way is still a possibility. You've got a nice set up and backstory here that sets the stage for a sprawling becoming a hero type epic. In fact, the more I think about what lies ahead, the more potential I see for the story.

At first, I wasn't so on board with this idea of the mice, but by the end of the story, the smaller details I brought up earlier don't seem to matter to me so much anymore. It still might help for clarity right at the beginning of the story, but by the time the reader gets to the end of this section, they'll understand this pretty much a world separated from humans. At least, that's the feeling I get now.

[Chronicles Of Laura]

Off to a good start! You had me very interested to find out who this Medea is. Some confusion with pronouns and shifts in verb tense. Other than that, well written with colorful descriptions. I want to read more!