The 5th Kind

If it's not better than the fourth kind I'll eat my UFO!

‘For the purposes of homo-sapiens’ understanding the following is translated into English; names and places are described as close to human interpretation as possible...what you believe is up to you’

A slender blue/grey figure, its skin like silicon and almost translucent, stood within the darkened chamber that was illuminated only by the glow of its essence. A second creature, much like the first, approached silently from behind. The former spoke to the latter abruptly, causing it to halt

‘Is there a problem Drakm?’

Twin eyelids flashed shut over black orbs as Drakm paused in meditative dread. He replied with an equal sense of trepidation,

‘It is the Enkists sir, they’ve…’

The creature, known as Commander Androm threw his stick like arms up at the sides of his elegant frame, causing Drakm to become respectfully silent.

‘Let me guess… they’ve hijacked another aircraft and have terrorised rural America?’

 Androm turned slowly as he made his guess. He looked sternly to Drakm, who shrugged his thin shoulders; an unfortunate habit formed through watching too much earthling television, and confirmed the Commanders suspicions,

‘Bang on the money sir, but it’s…’

Androm frowned and stared hard at the subordinate and in doing so prevented the completion of the sentence,

‘Erm…it means that you are completely correct sir’, Drakm explained, noticing Androms confusion.

‘Is that another human saying?’ Androm asked.

Drakm bowed his head and nodded the affirmation meekly,

‘Sir’

Androm wasn’t too concerned. It was good that Drakm took such a close interest in his duties,

‘So what’s the damage?’

Drakm looked to his superior hopefully,

‘You’re using human terminology too sir?’

Again Androm frowned and stared without sound. Then, perhaps understanding there had been a misunderstanding, he clarified his meaning,

‘What damage have the Enkists caused?’

Realisation dawned on Drakm,

‘Oh! Of course! Sorry sir’,

He shook his head at his own stupidity and told the commander,

‘I assumed you were offering to repay the credits I lent you last Tuesday’

Androm sighed out a rasping breath. He liked Drakm, but the youth’s enthusiastic nature sometimes irked his sensibilities,

‘How old are you now Drakm?’ he asked suddenly,

‘674 Earth cycles sir’ Drakm announced proudly.

Androm stroked his inward sloping chin and, in indirect answer to Drakms’ pecuniary demand, shared his favourite human colloquialism,

‘You are young, but you will learn’

So taken was Drakm with human civilisation that he missed the implications of the commanders misquoted words. Suitably distracted from the subject of repayment he instead lauded his superior with plaudits,

‘Well done sir, that was very well said’

Commander Androm allowed himself to feel pleased with his successful sidetracking deception, but quickly pressed on with matters,

‘Thank you Drakm. Tell me though… what is the extent of the damage?’

Dread returned to Drakm as he prepared for the telling,

‘I regret to inform you sir, that the Enkists have caused widespread disruption across the planet’

Androm despaired. His worst fear appeared to be coming true,

‘OMG! Details! Details’ he cried out,

Drakm made to open his lipless mouth to correct the commander, but then thought better of it. Apparently blog and text abbreviations were beyond Androm’s comprehension. Instead he spoke the details quickly in a vain attempt to alleviate the impact of the truth,

’25 crop circles, 17 cattle mutilations, 12 abductions, 3 recorded UFO sightings, 14 unrecorded UFO sightings…’

‘WTF are they playing at?’ Androm interjected, increasing Drakms’ sense of impending doom as he finished the initial part of the stats,

‘…in the British Isles’

A smack of reality slapped Androm into fresh despair,

‘There’s more? OMG! OMG! OMG!’ he muttered as Drakm continued,

’North America fell victim to 74 crop circles, 93 cattle mutilations, 164 human abductions, (although we’re allowing for the usual exaggeration and downright fabrication in this case), 56 recorded UFO sightings and 1088 unrecorded UFO sightings, (these un-evidenced witness testimonies still rising of course)’

Drakm stopped speaking as the commander hid his long face in his long hands,

‘Shall I continue sir?’

Androm slumped in resignation. His hopes of limitation already shattered,

‘Please do’, he said miserably

Drakm tried to smile optimistically, but found that his genetic makeup would not allow him to do so. His tiny mouth hurt at the effort, so he opted instead to use his voice to express his exuberance,

‘Okey-dokey, sir!’

‘Excuse me?’

‘Oh, erm. I meant, ‘Affirmative sir’. It means I’ll continue’

Drakm then proceeded to unleash the facts toward his superior who, in turn, grew more and more depressed.

The Enkists had wreaked havoc across the continents. Their mischievous, wanton destruction spanned from Canada to Russia, Australia to Brazil, Israel to Japan and just about everywhere in between and back again.

Drakm took around a half hour to orate the extensive list and so shocked was Androm that he could think of only one thing to say in response. Both aliens would later consider that perhaps Androm was clutching at the remnant of hopeful straws when he asked,

‘So…they left Alaska alone this time?’

Drakm almost managed a grimace,

‘They say it’s pointless to go there since they made that terrible Hollywood movie. The Alaskan’s refuse to acknowledge them as they don’t want to be associated with extra terrestrials’

‘By the cosmos, this will not stand!’ was Androm’s emotional outburst of defiance,

‘How are the humans ever going to accept us amongst them if the Enkists continue their campaign of terror?’

Drakm was struck with the utmost despondency at the prospect of never being accepted amongst the species he hero-worshipped,

‘They won’t ever accept us sir’, he began almost tearfully, but was then overcome with righteous anger,

‘The Enkists will never be interested in forming a positive relationship with the humans…they see the planet as their playground’

Androm was incensed at this statement of fact,

‘Their philosophy is flawed Drakm. I won’t let them ruin our reputation by enslaving another species’

‘But what shall we do sir?’ Drakm asked, distraught,

‘The humans will be less than impressed if they suspect they’re the same species as us’

Androm frowned as he considered the question and the assertion of fact,

‘Contact the leaders of the most powerful and influential nations. We shall give them the cure for cancer and deny all knowledge of the attack’, he said at length.

Drakm was shocked,

‘Are you sure sir? I thought the cure was the strongest card in our hand’

Androm looked at his three fingered hands with great curiousity,

‘It means our strongest bargaining point, sir’, Drakm told him ruefully,

‘They have the most curious expressions and customs, don’t they?’ Androm observed with an uncertain shake of his sizable cranium.

Drakm nodded emphatically,

‘I find them ever so fascinating sir’

Androm held the subordinates gaze at hearing this,

‘Are you okay sir?’ Drakm asked with muted concern.

‘Would you offer me your honest opinion on something Drakm?’

‘Of course sir’

‘You’ve probably noticed that I too have been studying human customs in the hope of one day fitting into their way of life’

‘I have noticed sir and may I commend you on your fine efforts’, Drakm lied, then asked

‘How may I be of service?’

Androm seemed reluctant to say and regarded Drakm warily,

‘I probably shouldn’t…’ he began and then offered pause for Drakm to intervene with assurances. The pause lingered until realisation came to Drakm.

‘Erm…well. It’s up to you sir, but I’m happy to offer you any support or advice I can’

Androm stood straight and prepared with a short monologue.

‘I’ve been reading through the internet over the last few weeks and I’ve been working on a new type of greeting that I keep reading about. If I’m honest it looks almost as if it were designed for our species to perform’

Drakm felt he was something of an expert on human culture, but he didn’t have the slightest idea what Androm could be referring to.

‘I’m not sure I know what you mean sir’, he confessed.

Androm became extremely animated in excited agitation and said to Drakm jovially,

‘Oh to infinity with it…if I say the word and perform the action would you tell me how it looks? Damned be the consequences!’

Drakm felt an emerging sense of dread permeate his thoughts. No Annunaki was quite as adept at humiliating themselves as the commander and so he prepared himself to cover up his reaction to whatever social atrocity was pending.

He could scarcely look as Androm raised his spindly arms straight above his head and stood rigidly in a position that resembled celebration. For once Drakm felt fortunate that his species’ tight skin permitted him to better disguise the hilarity that rose within him, but he could do nothing to hide his reaction as Androm uttered the single word,

‘lol’

Author's Note

I'm writing part two as of now. Any feedback would be gratefully recieved! Mainly though...is this funny at all?

Reviews

[Truman S. Booth]

Indeed, this is very funny. A clever, irreverent take on the Annunaki legends. I love the names--Drakm and Androm--and I love how you describe the aliens within the story instead of taking a paragraph to explain their appearance... a tactic I often fail to incorporate.

Having two alien species--one destructive and one seeking alliance--is another humorous idea in itself. I look forward to Part 2. Thanks for posting such an entertaining story.

[Rick Puetter]

Hi spence,

Been a while since I've commented on one of your pieces. I generally like this. You're a good writer. But my continual thought on such topics is that we "humans" always make alien life so much like our own. I understand the problem. Make it too alien and we can't relate emotionally. We can only connect intellectually. But guess what. If we ever find another intelligent alien race, one of the biggest problems will be that we can't connect emotionally. Damn it, we can't even connect emotionally with other humans. How well did we connect with black slaves? How well did we connect with American Indians? How well do we (westerners) connect these days with Muslims? We want to keep only with our own kind, the ones we understand, the ones with which we feel comfortable. I wish we could stretch more. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be a human trait.

Now that the rant is over, I enjoyed the story. Nice write.

Best regards,

Rick

[Baz]

Hilarious! The while thing is very well constricted. But the payoff at the end is priceless. This is excellent stuff, Spence. Love it.

[Preeti]

An interesting piece. Don't think I've read too many humorous sci-fi pieces before. It elicits some chuckles but it's not "laugh out loud" funny. Just...strange. Still though, it's well-written for the most part. I couldn't help but notice that you had punctuation errors throughout; you kept writing commas where periods would be more appropriate:

Dread returned to Drakm as he prepared for the telling,

‘I regret to inform you sir, that the Enkists have caused widespread disruption across the planet’

Also, this sentence:
Androm slumped in resignation. His hopes of limitation already shattered,
doesn't really work for me. Maybe make that into one sentence with a semi-colon. And "limitation" isn't, I think, the proper word here. I'm going to go with another reviewer and say perhaps "curtailment" is better.

[JENY]

Very nice story…
I think it needs extraordinary imaginative power to write a story with non human beings as protagonists….
Loved it…

[Phibby Venable]

This is very funny & captivating. I like the cancer bargaining chip & the
ending is great with LOL. Characters are realistic & likable. It is
an excellent comment on how our world might be seen by aliens &
just really entertaining writing.

[I. Fynn]

What? No probing incidents? Those enkists need to get their act together. :)
Don't worry though, looks like you won't be suffering from UFO-related indigestion anytime soon.
Only a few minor comments/suggestions...

In the context, this bit doesn't really work for me, visually. (Though in all fairness, I am a bit tired - maybe it's just my mind that needs a reboot) :
...Androm threw his stick like arms up at the sides of his elegant frame

...prepared for the telling -> ...prepared to report the unhappy news

...Androm slumped in resignation. His hopes of limitation already shattered,
I'd have written this the same way. Eventually though, I think I would have ended up rewriting it to:
...Androm slumped in resignation, his hopes of curtailment already shattered.
("limitation" is compromised because of the use of "resignation", and, in this case, I think the word "curtailment" sounds better anyway.)

 subordinates gaze ->  subordinate's gaze

I love this story as a "response" to the fourth kind, but it would actually be even stronger on its own.
(85/100)

[Mark]

I really like that the young one is so taken with Earth culture he uses text abbreviations. It is something to play up a lot. I think it could make for a good commentary on our culture.

[K. D. Val]

I really enjoyed this. I liked the use of the text speech as well as Androm's performance of the "greeting". I would love to read more of this. Very entertaining.

[Ms. Gruye]

Drakm tried to smile optimistically, but found that his genetic makeup would not allow him to do so. His tiny mouth hurt at the effort, so he opted instead to use his voice to express his exuberance...

this could describe your main character or Andy Warhol!
I found this piece amusing and lighthearted. My personal opinion would be that it is the best you could want in a piece that uses OMG!....lovely point of reverence there, Spence. I will want to read part 2 before offering any plot suggestions.

I was curious as your choice of english for homo sapiens...since most of the globe speaks chinese, it might be a funny point to make, i.e we tried this in mandarin first, but f**k all if it went sour. that sort of thing.

I was reminded in many aspects to Pratchett, but since you are british I will remain from making that comparison until after I can confirm with part 2.

Onward!