Soul of Freedom

 

Polly held her daughter even closer to her as the soundtrack of dedication to Jack reverberated around the small church- her sobs intensifying with her grief as she remembered how the man she loved would sing along to the voice of Micky Fitz, (of punk band ‘The Business’), and say with poignancy,

‘I swear- I want that song played at my funeral!’

Jack had loved the words because of their simplicity and impact, (he often confessed an awareness that of his tendency to over prescribe his own lyrics and sometimes alienate the reader/listener), but had said that musically, in his opinion, ‘Class Compromise (Histories Glory)’ was one of the best songs ever written.

‘You got your wish Jack’, she thought with regret.

 Polly picked Katy-Jo up onto her knee as the girl broke down and matched her Mums shuddering heartbreak to the music,

 

‘Welfare state- class compromise,’

‘Stops things short- short of revolution’,

‘Assault on freedom- there’s no protection’

‘There’s no equality in exploitation’

‘Law and justice are hiding behind’

‘A veil of ignorance, greed and corruption’

‘One salvation through suicide’

‘No one answers to the mass destruction’

 

‘Histories Glory- another dead mans story’

‘And the voices ain’t stopped- the power’s at the top’

‘Our lives are shaken- they’re weakened and worried’

 

Polly closed her mind to these memories in order to concentrate on the well being of her daughter. She hadn’t wanted Katy-Jo to come, but she had wanted to ‘say goodbye’ to her Dad and that was her right. Now though she could see the pain in the girls’ eyes and wanted to take her away from all of this.

As the song ended the plain clothed vicar gestured to Taffy who stood, from beside her and Katy-Jo, and approached the pulpit, head bowed, inhaling deeply in dread of this unenviable yet inevitable task of reading this eulogy- his tribute to his friend.

Taffy looked over the crowd of those who had come to pay their respects to Jack and though they were of substantial number in their dedication, he had never felt so alone in his life. He looked to his notes with swollen eyes and a reddened face, leaning on the lectern for support and opened the eulogy with:

 

‘We’re all here today to pay our tributes and respects to Jack Spencer- a person of integrity, passion and a love of all life beyond anything I have ever known.’

Taffy swayed at the podium- his balance momentarily lost to his heartache. Polly smiled to him reassuringly, urging him to recover his demeanour- understanding the pain he felt inside. He swallowed hard against his suffering and continued with determined vigour,

‘Jack died as he lived- standing against the perpetrators of oppression and prejudice. I first met Jack at school- and he told the teacher to ‘F**k Off’ and I swear I have loved him from that day and will cherish the time that I knew him always. He was my best friend in the whole world and none of us can ever replace what he gave to us all.’

Taffy paused again as he contemplated the order of this speech,

‘I can say a million and one words to describe Jack Spencer, but none seem more apt than his own. I want to share with you some of Jacks work. He gave these thoughts to me at a time when I had lost my way in life- my faith and hope had left me and Jack responded by writing these words to me,’

Taffy shuffled the papers on the lectern and retrieved that, which he sought and stood back from the plinth to read,

‘Wouldn’t it be great if every time you offered someone a smile or shared a look of acknowledgement with a stranger that you knew they would retain that piece of happiness? That if everyone you ‘touched’ in this way then did the same for others and so on? Spreading happiness throughout the world only takes a thought, but it only takes a thought, also, to spread discontent, anger and hostility: rendering the cycle negative- a spiral of hate.

Most believe that it is impractical and unrealistic to believe that human cooperativeness and altruism can be extended to the point that simply ‘being nice’ can change the world for the better, but I think it could. I believe that the very knowledge of this concept would cultivate a self- awareness; that theory and counter theory would develop and inevitably be put into practice. People have always practiced this in culture, in the form of ‘good deeds’, (that aren’t necessarily reciprocated), but if the recipient understood that they can pay this good deed on to another and that their every ‘bad turn’ should be paid back to the perpetrator alone- then they will begin to understand the power that they all have: The power to create change way beyond that which is directly in front of them.

Thought would become a pre-requisite to all action- action would be subject to analysis and amendment as there would no one to ‘blame’ or hold responsible for individual action other than the architect of the deed.

Realising their own capacity to affect those around them- a kind or harsh word, an unexpected gift or the theft of a possession- an offer or denial of support would all have to be prepared through pre-meditated consideration. They would then have the ability to conceptualise themselves as unique individuals- in relation to other unique individuals- in an ethical and social context and these concepts would hold as much weight as their self-concept in relation to God and the state that plays God- race and culture- gender and family- social class and political affiliations, et al. People would become the catalyst by which change can be made in re-claiming their autonomy, free from the shroud of ‘Law’ and ethics that have been imposed upon them- becoming equal in a much more fundamental way than material wealth, social status, etc would ever permit as these concepts represent the power and control that we allow others over our lives and thoughts.

As it stands, we don’t mean much to each other and as a direct result we suffer from stress and insecurity- isolation and depression. We are as alone in life as we will be in death- all for the promise of reward in heaven or the temptation to aspire to hand picked, marketable ‘talent’ and ‘beauty’ that has no real substance or use to the individual. It is, however, of immense use to the corporate state that benefits in terms of profit and social control- worth, aspirations and morals are targets set, judged and maintained within their order to keep us all in line.

There is neither spiritual or practical use- nor justice- in toiling an entire lifetime and get no further forward as a person or as a society. When are the work forces afforded the privilege of those that control the hierarchies, which their labour maintains? We aspire to be one of the fortunate few who control the input to maintain the output demanded by a people who try to buy their way out from their discontent.

But you, my friend, are free, and your free mind liberates those that you touch. You have no need to walk the road of the ‘righteous’- go your own way, the path your free heart takes you. Make choices from an unbiased mind- not with defiance, guilt, fear and anger, but with truth and honour. I will see you along the way.’

Taffy felt his eyes mist over as Jacks words were applauded unanimously by his array of friends, acquaintances and sparse family members that were crammed into the church.

He resumed the eulogy, brimming with emotion, once the shouts and claps of approval had dwindled,

‘These are the words of our beloved Jack- who I know none of us will ever forget- and I’d add to them: If only I knew what the hell the was on about!’

Sections of the mourners laughed at the banter that Taffy still shared with Jack in his absence as he raised himself to conclude these heartfelt words,

‘A man who would write such a thing for a mate is, truly, a wonderful person and though he had his faults, as we all must, he more than made up for them’.

Taffy wept unashamedly as he looked down to the coffin that contained the body of Jack Spencer,

‘Rest in peace mate’, he said- his voice shaking from the weight of his grief, ‘I’m gonna miss you Jack, I’m glad that I saw you along the way.’

 

Interlude- Ashes to Ashes

 

I return Colin Penman to the place where I entered his body. The man who would have abused my child will soon be removed from her presence. Content that she will be safe and cared for in my absence I lay him amongst the broken contents of his home. I smile as I see the life force of Tristan Morris the second return to the Mother- the megalomaniacs’ tyrannical intentions thwarted by the hand of the paedophile. Suzi lead me to these people and I have freed her in return- she will recover her love of life as she gazes upon the great pyramid in Egypt and will meet the person whom she will spend her life with during the same moment in time- she will learn to love herself again.

I await my return to my true form so that I can complete my journey before leaving this place. I return the essence of Colin to the beast as I seek out Taffy and see…

 

Taffy sits alone, on the swing that we had erected for our daughter, with his head bowed as he sobs for my loss holding the urn that contains the ashes that were once my physical form. I feel the overflow of emotion that he experiences and I see the action that he will take on behalf of the love he feels for me.

‘It’s not worth it. It won’t bring me back Taffy- I need you here to care for our family’,

 

Taffy contemplated the revenge he was planning to exact upon Boyley- the nazi- coward- f****n’ scum- when he received the gun he’d bought tomorrow morning. He looked to the plain black porcelain urn that contained the remains of his friend and said to Jack,

‘I’ll get him for you mate- you can deal with him on the other side’,

The salt water of his sadness falls upon the urn and he watches in fascinated grief as the tears run in rivulets toward its base,

‘Why did this happen mate? Everything was going so well for us!’ he said louder than he probably needed to,

‘After all we’d been through that piece of s**t took you from me! A tosser like Boyley with a f****n’ tool- cos’ you’d have laced the prick all over without it’

Boyley would be a free man in the morning and he would be given the protection afforded to someone who had slain a ‘commie’ by his comrades, but Taffy had no intention of letting that phase him- the shot gun would even the odds- and the score- and he didn’t give a f**k if he died also during this quest for retribution.

Then, from the depths of his anguished soul- he hears a voice from within himself and it shatters his grim perception of reality,

‘Is it worth it?’

‘Yes its f****n’ well worth it- he was my mate!’ he reacts, as he speaks to the air in defiance to this alien thought,

‘It won’t bring him back- you will be lost too’,

‘It doesn’t matter- nothing matters except killing that scumbag!’

‘What about Katy-Jo and Polly? Who will look after them when you’re dead or in prison?’

Taffy had thought of this of course, but had not considered them as a reason to not take revenge- only as a part of the reason to do so.

‘I’m doing this for them too!’

‘But they don’t know about your plan Taffy! How can this be for them?’

Taffy lowered his head in fresh doubt,

‘Jack was taken from them too- I thought they’d be proud of me for avenging his death’,

The voice softens as it reveals the only way forward left to Taffy,

‘They need you here Taffy. I need you to look after them for me- ask them if you doubt me,’

Taffy stands from the swing in shock and looks to the urn,

‘Jack!’ he exclaims in hope, fear and shock, ‘JACK! Where are you?’

But the voice has fallen silent and he falls to the soft grass below him as his shaking legs refuse to support him in his any longer.

Polly walks toward him and kneels in front of him- cradling his head as he sobs heavily- no strength left in the sorrow he endures,

‘Oh, Taffy darling’, she says seeing the grip he has on the urn and the torment in his face, ‘We can’t hate forever- Boyley’ll get his payback. If we’ve learned nothing else from this- we have to admit that we- me you or Jack- were just as capable of making mistakes as anyone else’,

Taffy looks to Polly in shame,

‘It’s not that Polly- I understand where we all went wrong- it’s just…’ he lets his sentence fade into the night air,

’What Taffy? What’s wrong hun?’ Polly urges gently, ‘You can tell me- I promise’,

Taffy chews on his lip with his mouth turned downwards as he prepares to reveal his intentions to her,

‘I… I was gonna leave you!’ he admits in shame, ‘I’ve got a gun ordered to pick up tomorrow at work. I was gonna kill the b*****d Polly! I swear I was gonna kill the f****r!’ and he bows his head again at this revelation.

 I watch as Taffy tells Polly about his plan, his feelings and his dreams for the future- she listens- as I knew she would- and they agree that it is time to lay my spirit to rest and get on with their lives- together.