As the Year Dies

“Stand back! Give her air!” yelled the panicked king, rushing to his wife's side. "Someone fetch a healer!” The group dispersed, revealing the queen’s inert form. She’d gone utterly still, face ashen.

Kiran rolled the sleeves of his tunic up to his elbows. Why had he worn a cloak? It felt more like the end of April than the last day of December. Almost none of the hobbits bustling around the kingdom of Drémeadow had the scarves, mittens and head coverings one would typically wear in early winter. Wasn’t Drémeadow supposed to be colder than Cancalia since it was further north on the continent? Ah, well. He wasn’t about to complain. He’d be out here at least an hour while the two princes and two princesses carried out the tradition of greeting guests in person for the Pre-New Years Banquet. Unseasonably warm was preferable to bitter cold while he juggled a fifth line to speed up the admittance process and making sure Princess Nora, Princess Jillian, Prince Odo and Prince Folco were safe.

The royal family's home stood out amidst the spread-out houses, shops, silos, storage sheds and marketplaces.  Not only was it very large compared to the other buildings, but it was the only edifice with two stories.  A five-foot stone wall enclosed the wooden  palace. Hedges lined the inside and outside of the wall. Bare rosebushes lined the front. The sides were devoid of plants, but bare dirt evidenced the presence a garden at times of the year that permitted plant life. Compared to other kingdoms, the Drémeadow palace’s exterior was nondescript. The Foxtrots, like most halflings, preferred making the inside as comfortable as possible to impressing foreign visitors with a gaudy exterior.

          Dozens of party-goers gathered around the palace in Drémeadow’s capital city, Hardscrabble. Those waiting outside the front gate, evenly distributed among five queues, were clad in dressy clothes.  Clips and pins held carefully styled curls and waves in places. The dresses, coats and trousers were the finest material their respective wearers could afford. Seems Drémeadow’s halflings- no, hobbits,Kiran, they hate being called halflings - dress up just as much as Cancalia’s humans, elves, dwarves and gnomes. The most interesting thing here was the homogeneity of the population. The palace had employees of other races but otherwise Drémeadow seemed all hobbits. 

Hobbit guards in garments of red, brown and gold  stood ten yards back watching the princes and princesses check invitations. As the adolescent and young adult children of the king and queen, they wore the most expensive garb of all. Their gold jewelry and hair ornaments glistened in the sinking sun. Kiran, the fifth, towered over the two lads to his left and the young hobbit-women to his right. Both his height and the gold armor bearing a crest other than Drémeadow’s made him stand out like a sore thumb. He was the only one out here that wasn’t a hobbit. 

But then, it could have been worse. There could be orcs. Kiran was grateful none of the orc guards were out here. He’d known about and felt disquieted by their presence ever since he’d entered Drémeadow as an envoy from Cancalia a week ago. He’d casually asked about them the other day once he’d built enough rapport with his hosts. King Hrothgar said his advisor Jarmir Esteel had suggested the orcs. Jarmir’s reasoning was that orcs were bigger and thus useful for protecting Drémeadow denizens in ways his own race could not- through brute strength. Kiran was far from satisfied. Though none of the orcs had done anything, he did not trust them. He could not forget the way their eyes had malevolently followed him after they noticed the holy symbol of his god. Then there were the various horror stories about orcs around the continent to consider, not to mention his own personal experiences. Presumably the orcs in the employ of Drémeadow’s king were better behaved than most, as Kiran had seen no signs of wanton destruction, but it seemed too good to be true that the orcs were refraining from trouble. Orcs were notoriously difficult to control. What was keeping them from devastating the entire city? Ah, well, not my homeland, I suppose I oughtn’t worry too much. At least I don’t have to have dealings with them. Thank the gods.

The man's attention shifted to a particularly large family, the Rivers, near the front of the youngest hobbit's line. They were too deeply immersed in discussion to notice, let alone acknowledge him even though he'd become acquainted with some of them, especially the eldest, Lindo.   “I can scarcely believe it’s already becoming 3015. It seems just yesterday the Continental Calendar hit 3000! And would you believe we’ve been a monarchy for five years already? Seems the Restructuring just happened!” remarked a corpulent gentlehobbit with a blue cloak. He nodded towards the youngest of the hobbits checking invitations, a gangly adolescent. “But then, Prince Folco was just a pudgy lad. Nowhere near my height, let alone taller than me!”

“Will the party be any fun?” asked a tiny girl. “Or will it be the king or queen talking the whole time? Say, look at that!” She pointed directly at  Kiran. "Why's he so tall?" Kiran could not help but smile at her bluntness. Young children had no restraint on their words.

“Don’t be daft, that’s a human,” Lindo snapped. “And Folco’s family always throws good banquets. Plenty of eating, drinking and entertainment for all.”

“His Highness.” rebuked his mother. “You might be good friends with Prince Folco, but you’re in public.”

The adolescent muttered, “right.”  He gestured to the Pre-New Years Banquet invitations held by his parents and younger siblings. “Give those here. I’ll give them to Prince Folco.” As the prince signaled to the guards that the four hobbits in front of him were permitted to pass, Lindo stepped forward with a respectful bow of his head, presenting the pile parchment. “Your Highness, the Rivers family.” He tucked his chin to his chest, waiting for the young prince to take them.

            The dark-haired prince smiled slightly as he accepted the parchment, halfheartedly thumbing through them. “Go on,” he whispered.  As the Riverses began to pass through the ornate wooden gate, Prince Folco laid a sinewy hand on Lindo’s elbow. “You know, you don’t have to bother with the niceties. How many times do I have to tell you? People know we’ve been friends since before we ever became a monarchy. It’s not exactly a state secret.”

            “Don’t be absurd, others can hear,” Lindo whispered back to Prince Folco as the Rivers family exchanged discreet smiles with the prince. “Talk to you after if you have any time to sneak away, okay?” He inclined his head one last time.

"Straight through the gate, along the path and into the main door," said Folco, his voice exaggeratedly businesslike. "There will be guards to direct yoiu

~*~*~

            Once the palace’s banquet hall was filled to capacity and wine had been distributed to the guests, the king and queen stood up. The king was first to speak. “Welcome, ladies and gentlehobbits, to the annual Pre-New Years Banquet. I am pleased to see each and every one of you present in my hall. My staff has my thanks for ensuring the banquet would be possible. I intend to keep my speech short-“ there were several appreciative smiles among the guests- “as I know everyone is hungry. We shall commence our feast with Queen Arabella leading us in a toast.” A smattering of applause ensued.

Queen Arabella’s fine-boned hand rose, holding her red wine aloft in the air. The tight golden-brown curls gathered by several gold clips into a long plait and topped by a small gold crown were immaculate. Though the lines in her face indicated middle age, her dark brown eyes were vivacious, her cheeks rosy with the glow reminiscent of youth. “My dear hobbits! Thank you all for taking the time and effort to travel here tonight despite the cold. I greatly appreciate seeing each and every one of you gathered here, as do King Hrothgar, Princess Nora, Princess Jillian, Prince Odo and Prince Folco.” The royal family, oldest to youngest, gave a wave at mention of their name.  “I invite you all to take part in a toast. Raise your glasses.” Crystal wine glasses rose to the ceiling all over the feast hall.

          “To a happy and prosperous 3015!” Arabella said in acknowledgement of the Continental Calendar. The rest of the hall echoed her. “To family and friendship!” Another echo. “To the health of all in Drémeadow!” At that, the queen began to drain her glass, followed by the rest of the royal family and all the guests.

Suddenly, Queen Arabella’s eyes went very wide. Her pupils contracted. Her rosy face blanched to white, then grey, then an ominous greenish hue as she began to gag and cough. The human stirred, sliding his chair back, staring at the ruler with a speculative face. Gasps, resonating cries and murmurs erupted among the guests.

A series of crashes reverberated around the hall as the Queen collapsed in convulsions, her long sleeve sweeping her plate, silverware and some of Princess Nora’s utensils off the High Table. One of her flailing arms struck her chair, knocking it sideways. Her grip loosened on her crystal glass. A dark purple stain spread on the white silk carpet covering the dais. The crystal glass rolled along the dais and off the platform, shattering upon the stone floor. There were several cries. Many of those sharing a table with the royal family left their seats, crowding around the thrashing queen. “Stand back! Give her air!” bellowed the panicked king, rushing from his seat to the side of his wife. He shoved aside Princess Nora and Prince Odo to get to his wife. “Out of my way!  All of you! Someone fetch a healer!”  The group dispersed, revealing the queen’s inert form. She’d gone utterly still, face ashen. The human stood, striding towards the anxious hobbits.

A lithe figure with long pointed ears and sweeping bottle-green robes with silver lining that highlighted his green eyes emerged from the chamber behind the High Table. The elf cut in front of the human, knelt over the queen, jet-black hair falling into his thin face. She had gone utterly still. He seized her wrist. His thin, straight eyebrows deepened into a frown. The bony hand hovered just above her mouth to feel for breath, then straightened her face and placed two fingers against Queen Arabella’s neck. Finally, his pinkies closed the inert hobbit’s eyelids over fixed and dilated brown eyes devoid of light.

The faces of the king and queen's sons and daughters varied in reaction.Though all but Folco were over twenty and thus past the age of legal adulthood, they looked suddenly as uncertain as five-year-olds away from their parents for the first time. Jillian blinked rapidly. Odo's fists were clenched, and Nora clutched her chair so hard that her knuckles whitened. Whispers swept the hall. More than once, the paladin was sure he heard the word "poison."

Presently, several servants bore the lifeless queen out of the hall. The human sank into his chair in dismay. The two princes and two princesses looked fearfully at the goblets from whence they’d just imbibed their own wine.

The elf whispered something to the king, who turned very pale. His children, comprehending, shared expressions of mingled shock, disbelief and terror. The look in the elf’s jade eyes could chill one’s blood. The elf and the king exchanged whispered words impossible for anyone else to hear through the hullaballoo erupting in the hall.

The king stepped forward, extending a long finger towards the human, cheeks bright red spots against a white background.  Golden-brown eyes smoldered with fury. The confused human retreated a step. Nothing could have prepared him for what happened next.

 “Paladin!” roared King Hrothgar. “How dare you! You enter my land, we grant you hospitality, and you repay us by taking away my wife’s breath and heartbeat with your poison! Leave at once!”

Author's Note

I've just divided this chapter in half. Formerly, this and chapter 2 used to be one big chapter, but after several people suggested that sheer length might scare off readers before they ever peruse a word, I figured it'd be prudent to leave off at the accusation.

Please leave me any ideas for improvement you have!

Reviews

[Craig2591]

I think this is written well and saw no obvious errors. Good description. The characters seem believable. My only problem is with the orcs. Unless I missed something, they seemed to appear halfway through this chapter from out of nowhere. Also, as a huge Tolkien fan, I picture orcs as evil. What are they doing at this banquet?

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

What are they doing there indeed (= They are quite evil. I may add a chapter or two before this one where Kiran specifically asks about them after noticing them. I've been thinking about some buildup, though may need a new hook if I add that chapter or two. You have a very good point though

[Craig2591]

At this point I don't know what you have in mind, but if you just show him wondering to himself about the orcs and then explain their presence in a later chapter it might be a quick and easy fix.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Good idea, especially since the incidents I'm thinking of, for most part, don't do much more than show more depth to the characters' personalities, though there are a couple of things Kiran shrugs off at time that transpire to be of paramount significance as he realizes in hindsight.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

I'm trying out this paragraph: Kiran was grateful none of the orc guards were out here dealing with incoming partygoers. He’d known about and felt disquieted by their presence ever since he’d entered Drémeadow. King Hrothgar, when asked, had told him his advisor Jarmir Esteel had suggested the orcs. Jarmir’s reasoning was that orcs were bigger and thus useful for protecting Drémeadow denizens in ways his own race could not- through brute strength- but he was far from satisfied. Though none of the orcs had done anything, he did not trust them. He could not forget the way their eyes had malevolently followed him after they noticed the holy symbol of his god. Then there were the various horror stories about orcs around the continent to consider, not to mention his own personal experiences. Presumably the orcs in the employ of Drémeadow’s king were better behaved than most, as Kiran had seen no signs of wanton destruction, but it seemed too good to be true that the orcs were refraining from trouble. Orcs were notoriously difficult to control. What was keeping them from acting like orcs?

[Craig2591]

Perfect! It explains a lot.

[C. Rose]

asked the little girl dubiously - Here the word dubiously is already understood by what the girl says and distracts from the dialogue which is well written enough not to need explaining that she is dubious.
rebuked the brood's mother - rebuked his mother is more straightforward. I hesitate with this line because you could leave it, but for the sake of generally being more straightforward - I mention it.

Lindo takes the invitations and walks up to the prince. Where did the prince come from? Did Folco come outside or did the Rivers family go through the guards and inside the palace. Why is the prince accepting invitations? (That could be defended as a Dremeadow custom but typically I would find it old that the Prince himself is checking invitations). If the Rivers family is now inside the Palace, did Kiran go with them? Is this from Kiran's POV?

The relationship between Folco and Lindo made me happy. I also like that despite using nonstandard names, you kept them simple enough and different enough from each other that I am not confused about who is who.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

It's outside the palace, looking through now to see what can be done to make it clearer. It is tradition that they check invitations- I attempted to clarify that in the opening paragraphs, as well as calling attention to the nearby guards making sure everything's okay with them. (I also added a side joke between Lindo and Folco to further place them as outside- I can see Folco giving Lindo directions as though he hasn't been there dozens of times.

[C. Rose]

Paragraph 4 and more.
“This family, whom he knew to have the surname, Rivers was too”
- the comma should go after Rivers. Personally I call these “comma brackets”. I don't know the real name. Whenever you use “comma brackets” the sentence should be able to function normally if you were to remove everything withing the comma brackets. “This family Rivers was too” doesn't work. “This family was too” works.
Enter before the quote “I can scarcely believe...”

I felt it odd that Kiran is acquainted with Lindo, yet the second time Lindo's name comes up a standard age description is tagged on.

After the little girl was blunt (which was fun to read), I assumed Lindo was responding to her. Consider having the girl's parents shush her or somesuch before having Kiran turn back to the Rivers family. - Also – it feels like Lindo waited too long (the girl's conversation and Kiran's smile) to do a quick “Don't be daft” comeback and still have it be relevant to the start of the conversation buried in paragraph 4.. [EDIT TO REVIEW: I just realized Lindo is responding to the first thing the girl said. The point remains that this conversation is not 100% clear, although it is more clear than I originally assumed.]

I recognize listening to conversations in a crowd is difficult to describe, and you are almost there. With a little more visual I believe it will be clearer.

[C. Rose]

Congrats on using WHOM correctly. I had to look that up to be sure.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Tried some tweaks, hope it's working better now! I also removed the extended age description. I'm assuming it's apparent by the end of the Folco/Lindo exchange that they're about the same age

[C. Rose]

Paragraph 3 is quite long, especially for the beginning of a book – don't want to intimidate the readers away. Consider entering after party-goers so that the clue that there is a party in the palace doesn't get buried.
I feel like you are implying Kiran has yet to see an orc in Dremeadow, but then you mention personal experiences. Did the “malevolently followed” happen in Dremeadow or elsewhere?
Is Hrothgar king of Dremeadow or Cancalia? I assume Hrothgar is king of Dremeadow. So has Kiran already spoken to the king personally and is now returning to Dremeadow palace by waiting in line and feeling awkward? It felt a little telling that Kiran is thinking about when the King told him Jarmir's motivation. I assume “he did not trust them” is probably reverting back to Kiran's perspective – but “he was far from satisfied” I could read as either Hrothgar or Kiran.
At this point I am guessing the POV character is Kiran, but as Kiran has yet to do anything yet but think about what others think about him and a conversation with the king – I am not positive.
Very sneak typo: “devastatimng” has an'm' in the 'ing'.

Is there any way Kiran's thoughts could be triggered by seeing an orc? That way you could show us what they looked like in your world and the tangent would be more natural. Or is there a reason the orcs aren't out? - If so don't tell me and spoil the surprise, I'll get there.

Tangent 1: (I know Dremeadow has an accent but review boxes don't have fancy insert character features so I'm always going to call it Dremeadow)
Tangent 2: Is Dremeadow pronounced like “Dre” rhyming with grey/gray and Meadow like Meadow?

In summary – careful of ambiguous pronouns. Careful not to tell. Is there any way the flashback about Jarmir being the one to suggest orcs could be done in conversation later in the chapter?

[C. Rose]

Yay - The 'left side being cut off glitch' is gone.
Don't know if my netbook just stopped being stupid or if you took care of it, but either way Yay.

I've figured out a better way of explaining why I am criticizing your descriptions - after all you are describing.
***It's like you've drawn vibrant characters against a grey back drop. You hinted at the season in the first line and you hinted at the location in the first line of the second paragraph.

I peeked ahead and am loving the foreshadowing "orcs are notoriously difficult to control/what is keeping them in line" bit. Unfortunately I already know about a certain character who we later find out is evil so I don't get to be surprised.

[C. Rose]

First parapraph:
Devoid stuck out to me. In my opinion uncommon words should be used to either enhance description or simplify. Saying "without" would be simpler than "devoid of" - and the main visual here is the hobbits and what they would usually be wearing. Devoid is not a key idea and it distracts from the hobbits.

Second paragraph:
Congregated stuck out to me. Gathered would be more straight forward and in this sentence I am more interested in what they are gathering around. Speaking of which: I'd like more visual. I can see the hobbits and what they are wearing - but what kind of palace is this? Is the surrounding area dirt or paved with stone? Are there trees and shrubs or is this a more desert climate? Is it a grand palace? Are there towers? Is there a surrounding wall?
You don't have to answer all of these questions - but give me enough that I can see where the hobbits are.

"Guards in garments of red, brown and gold stood back at a distance, carefully watching the five at the front of the lines checking the sheets of parchment in the hands of the respective families at the head."
Got an extra space between gold and stood, and between the and sheets. Structurally there is no verb in this sentence ... so it isn't a sentence right now. It is also a little confusing which subject is doing what. I recommend having a sentence describing the guards: what they are wearing, how far away are they observing from (clarify if they are up in a defensive position or if there is one guard per line on the ground like an amusement park).


"Four of the five, hobbits ranging in age from eighteen to thirty-three, wore the most expensive garb of all. Their gold jewelry and hair ornaments glistened in the sinking sun."
I would put the the comma after hobbits and before ranging "of the five hobbits, ranging".
Later you reveal that the fifth hobbit is a human. I don't recommend messing with the reader so soon. You are establishing a first scene; you need the reader to trust you. What about just cutting the word hobbit from this sentence.

In general paragraph threw me as I had to reread to see it. When you said the hobbits congregated I assumed you just meant in a group. Then there were lines, which I figured out are lines for getting into the palace. When you said their clothing was the best they could afford - I was confused about what class they were, like they are poor/middle class but dressed as nicely as they can - or upper class dressed outrageously? When you group the 'hobbits' at the front of each line - I was thrown again. They aren't together, they are all in different lines, it is just for the sake of comparison. I get it now, but I had to stop.

My main point is more 'stage directions' would help.
You need to 'ground' the scene.
What are they standing on? Is it hot?, but most importantly where are they? You told me the capital city outside the palace - but you skipped 'showing' me where they are.

As a side note, I notice the left side of the writing is cut off - is this just a glitch from my side or something you could fix with changing font size etc.?

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

On the first paragraph, changed wording up a bit.

Second paragraph: Yah, that's definitely a thing with me that I've come to realize needs to be worked- when I'm not doing flowery sentences several lines in length, I'm neglecting what one of my other reviewers referred to as something like "passive description," possibly because I have a preference for action, dialogue and things moving quickly myself. I tried to add in some subtleties with the description as well, such as explaining what made it stand out next to everything around it.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Aaaaaand owing to my piece of junk phone glitching out and my internet going snail pace, not to mention feeling the need to blog about my race today, in the space of two hours did a grand total of... two paragraphs expanding and multiplying. Grrrr. Now it's time to sleep ]= Anyhoo. More description to the point where I'm worried about it being excessive because nothing's happening right away! It is necessary though, I like the analogy of the gray background you used [= I also posted the abandoned chapter I mentioned as a standalone story called "Cart Capers"- to summarize, it includes things like a conversation between Kiran and the king and tomfoolery on the part of Lindo and Folco

[C. Rose]

LOL. I started rereading this about 20 minutes ago and didn't see the changes, but kept going. Glad I happened to refresh!

[C. Rose]

Minor edit. Missing space before "Dozens" in the first paragraph.

[C. Rose]

Missing words in "Not only was very large" and "Evidence garden"...

[C. Rose]

*evidenced

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Fixed, thanks!

[C. Rose]

Oh! and you changed the first line :D I like this much better.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thanks! Trying to move whole beginning to Kiran's eyes, changing more once I'm not overwhelmed by volume of omniscient

[Kate Green]

I like how you took the time to set the scene here, I had a good view of the setting before anything even happened. Really great descriptions. And you added in some backstory here as well, perhaps a little foreshadowing on those orcs.

One thing: "His thin, straight eyebrows deepened into a frown." - Furrowed might work better, I'm not sure how eyebrows can frown. :)

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thanks so much! I'm glad you noticed the part with those orcs [= I'll look for and rephrase that sentence.

[emme_wraith]

Hi, I was confused at who was who when you started talking about the characters by name. I have to disagree with the other commentators -I think you need more of a hook. Keep in mind that I'm not a Talkies fan and hate his writing and that this specific genre really only has one audience. I would like to know why everyone thinks Kiran must be innocent. Maybe add some character development before jumping into the plot. It was very good, just not a style of writing everyone will like.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Hey, thanks for sticking it out through the chapter and reviewing even though fantasy is not your thing! [= I also appreciate the constructive criticism you've delivered. I could show more somewhere, perhaps in dialogue with two of the king's subjects arguing with each other or something, why they'd have doubts about the king's rash judgment (and add emphasis on the fact that there are plenty who do think himn guilty as well. The phrase "everyone thinks Kiran must be innocent" is definitely telling that I need to shed light on those who won't question if he's guilty, too.

[AMMD]

Good use of imagery and dialogue. LOVE that you've chosen to expand upon Tolkien's work. Look forward to reading further chapters...

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thanks so much!

[jjwilbourne]

Way to start off with a BANG!
I love the velocity of this scene. This is the kind of thing that would make me think. "Okay, I gotta know what happens."
Wording was nice as well as the description. Just wonderful.
Only one issue: Perhaps there are different procedures in your world, but diplomats don't tend to be trialed in a foreign land. I think. Perhaps I'm mistaken.
A small technicality if I'm not completely off.
I can tell this story is going to be wild.

I should also point out that since you're working on this story at the same time, it might do well for you to secure a decent amount of sympathy for the queen prior to this book to help with the emotional resonance.

Your gift for story is clear. I'm excited to read more.

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

Thank you so much! I will have to look for a way to make sure the reader cares more about Queen Arabella