Invisibility (Revised Version)

Revised Version number 1

Loneliness is the worst feeling in the world,

Though, invisibility is the loneliest feeling, to me

Because no matter how much I speak,

No matter how much I show myself,

No one hears and no one sees.

The hands of time pass by slowly;

Nothing works to show I am here;

My mind is weighed down by hateful thoughts

It happens constantly--day by day.

I am sucked into the river that crosses into a never-ending abyss, unable to escape--

No matter how much I scream,

I will still drown in loneliness for no one hears me.

No matter how much I try to swim to shore,

I sink father and faster--an unseen pebble cared by no one.

No matter how much I seem to live life

I am still dying on the inside.

I am torn apart by unloving rose thorns,

Marked by the scares which no one sees--

They turn away when I enter the room,

They look right through me as if I am invisible--

I have let my guard down.

I stood strong as I was covered by the armor which has suddenly uncovered me--

I feel naked behind my happy mask;

As I take it off I am blinded--unable to see my pain; unable to conquer my fears.

Fear's gruesome sword threatens to impale me with its piercing blade

And kill me with the venom of a thousand times seven voices

Screaming at me to wake up to reality--my darkest nightmare.

I cannot get away from the darkness, I have become obsessed,

Falling in love with the king of the omnipresent darkness.

They thought that I had been cured,

But I had lied my whole life away.

My heart slipped and has shattered into a hundred million pieces,

Unable to repair; the pieces are to small to see.

My soul is now vulnerable,

Being consumed by hatred, dismay, and loneliness; tortured by pain

I hate the curse of a thousand words

Telling me that I am invisible.

Author's Note

PLEASE tell me about any mistakes. Is this well written? Tell me how my punctuation and grammar is. I really want to be able to have this so well written that I could send it into the most elite colleges and they would accept me (not that that would happen, just hypothetically speaking, of course.) Thank you!!

Reviews

Excellent poem. we are all invisible from time to time.

[Tate Morgan]

I think as I would always advise that you shorten it It becomes redundant as it repeats it self a bit.To be a poem it shouldn't really be this long .I would suggest trying to write the same thing in as short a space and then twist the phrasing for interest

[Senseless whatever]

I like this a lot myself. The imagery used is just fantastic. If you would try to submit this, my suggestion would be to break it up into stanzas separating each idea. The only advantage is that would make the piece more visually appealing. Great Job!

[Speechless Shadow]

Thank you for your reviews! Yes, I am still revising and editing this poem. I am working hard on it.

[Angelwithabeard]

something that i was told, was to show and not tell. dont get me wrong, it is a good good poem. take it apart and put it back together, take out some words and make it short and sweet during each line. but like i said, good poem. keep writing. k. dont give up:)

[deeps]

Hmm! This is quite interesting. I like this. Very well written

[Tate Morgan]

I think it interesting as a dream I think it is a bit redundant and should be pared down a little in size to increase it'seffectiveness