The Things That I am Scared of Today

Who even knows?

What I’m Scared of 11/11/17

• People seeing me eat

• Loneliness

• Love

• Being too tired

• My body

I don’t know what

the f**k is wrong. I haven’t eaten enough today and my throat feels bubbly and irony and I just can’t deal with any of this and I don’t know why because I’m only ever

me?

Sometimes music can drown my thoughts out (mostly instruments) but all the other times I am the only one home and I can’t seem to lift my stomach to feel ok, I can’t become inspired by anything at all and I’m falling, I’m falling fast, but I don’t know why and I need to know why, please just tell me why?

I want comfort. I want safety, but I want exciting things, sparkly things, beautiful things…

and I don’t think I can have them all at once all the time every day? MY

face is so f*****g bumpy, I want to be as smooth as the velvet on my shoes but even they are ripping… spinny teacups my f*****g stomach full on air,

on fake calorie empty love and life. Today I saw people other than my immediate family without

makeup in the first time in… forever? Yes, no,

I don’t know, what the f**k does forever even mean, I can’t pretend I’m not ok, but I’m not in dire need of help and I don’t want to talk but I need to be able to and nothing makes sense and everything is confusing. I can say the same thing with completely different words of completely different meanings, isn’t that weird? And I can spell things wrong but people will still know what I mean.

It is not my doing, but my hands have eyeliner scars and scabby eyes and new bracelets stained with nose bleeds. Tiny hands are but my only disguise, and koalas make me cry, why are

innocent things so emotionally charged to me?