Little Older Brother

I’m not so sure how to go about this,

Him being gone doesn’t mean I have erased

All he ever felt, all he’ll ever feel…

A smile on my face makes him brave,

And a kind word from his lips helps ease the stress,

When all seems to fail, and all goes dark

When the silver goes in and the crimson comes out…

A kiss on my cheek before I fall asleep

And he keeps me as worm as he can ever keep.

A smile on my face and a different idea

The world works differently through my own eyes

And my mind  doesn’t feel safe, I don’t understand…

The silence behind these black eyes of mine.

And his silly acting, doesn’t fool at all

I know the depth of his cobwebbed soul.

Willing to deny all that hurts him deep,

Singing silly songs to help me sleep…

A different solution to the aftershock

He isn’t here so I can’t understand how it happened,

How I missed this, how I looked away.

Anger lodged inside that empty mind of mine,

His words cutting deep through the memories

A  different beat to dance to…

My heart has lost its tune… and I’m confused…

What are the extents of keeping me safe?

Lying to me and suppressing anger…

Anger he never showed before …

And his thoughts remained…

And the cuss words…

And the pain…

But you’d never know…

He’s too kind to tell…

I am so confused, this is hell…

Is he angry is he hurt?

Is he coming back,

Will he ever return?!

If he doesn’t, you should see,

The anger and pain left in me.

I cannot survive without my moonlight,

And he is the one keeping me alive…

That boy of yours does it too much,

He does it on purpose, and we can all tell

The stabs within kick while he’s down…

And his past came to bite him, you would know…

Curiosity pushed maybe too much… now he’s down

And he needs this as a hole in his head

It would help more if he wasn’t dead,

But he’s my little brother, even though he’s older

He is fragile, even though he’s stronger…

I am so confused, not sure what to do…

Time doesn’t change how much he needs you.

He said his goodbyes a couple of times,

But never with regret like this lodged inside…

And missed him so much, I always miss him…

He loves me and you and we need him.

Little innocence and golden heart

Fragile seduction lost in my mind.

I’m alone right now and I’m a little afraid

I have never been forgotten,

Never lost the pain…

He loves us both, and he shall survive,

He’s done running, nowhere to hide…

He misses you terribly and he can be lonely,

But he is glad you’re lovely.

And he loves my ideas and likes yours too,

He wishes us happy, what can we do?

And he loves the idea of our hearts being safe,

So forgive me, my friend he’s been angry at best.

I understand now, maybe we will be fine…

When both the hearts stop bleeding…

We’ll be okay.

You and I, our friendship

Is here to stay.