Blood Shower

First attempt at a war poem WWI

Another rain of bullets showers us in blood,

A hundred thousands deaths, what do we know?

“Just take some more. Kill so many youngsters,

What do they know about the truth of death?”

The bombs around us don’t make any sound

To learn to block them out: our first true war.

Standing here now, close to a thousand corpses…

The stench of death so bitter it hurts my soul.

Tomorrow I could be the next one here

Who knew the pamphlets weren’t exactly true?

The cry of war and I am here to serve you…

Ready to die to stand up for my land

A teenager who’s life will quickly end...

Mother will cry, father would weep with pride.

 

The rain of bullets falling down upon us,

Holding a cross between my long pale fingers,

A gun that trembles in my faithful hands…

The one true lover I am supposed to have.

I turned a shade of white incomparable to notebook paper,

Took one deep breath to push the pain aside

Opening my eyes to a truth I expected.

Why should we battle armies when we can battle nature?

Preserving the bodies of who we thought we knew.

 

My buddy Bill lies here beside me,

A bullet sleeping in his shiny wrinkled head,

Flesh pealing from bones and his cologne so bitter,

His wife and kids a ghost shall love from now.

 

No time for this, the Capitan barks orders,

How I dislike his much dejected voice!

And I forgot to mention the much awaited death…

Death of a soldier who looked it in the eye

And not some coward kid that hid behind his wife.

 

It’s over now, the battle ended quickly

And I’m supposed to return home to my dear friends,

But what I hear around the trenches… some more orders…

Oh No! I’ll stay another month!

Reviews

[Misa]

Hey... a beautiful write here, but a few lines stood out as not fitting with the rest of the piece. The main ones l think were these:
"Just take some more. Kill so many youngsters,
What do they know about the truth of death?"
~l'm not sure why you have the conversation marks around them (or quotation marks, perhaps), usually when this is used in a poem it's to indicate quotes (often with sarcasm?) or conversation - in this case the captain's orders. If they were the thoughts of the narrator, perhaps italicize them?
As they are it reads as an anonymous voice to me, no impact on the story you're telling here. Just an observation, doesn't harm the rest of the poem really - could just make it stronger l think.

Mother will cry, father would weep with pride..
~switching from will to would in the same sentence throws me off slightly. l believe they are of the same tense placement, but phonetically they dont' seem to work together very well for me. Perhaps take out would, turn it into "weeping with pride," - it seems it might flow with the previous action of mother crying. Again, just an idea though. I do like the idea behind the line itself, as well.

I turned a shade of white incomparable to notebook paper
~through most of the poem you have present tense, then briefly you turn to past - it's already happened. l would suggest re-reading that section.
Not a major issue though.

Anyway - aside from these, l quite liked this. Wonderful job, and nice take on a complicated - often cliche'd - subject.
~Misa

Erm... would you believe me if l said l intended the rating to be higher? And in a moment of stupidity forgot which mouse button l was holding? This is a truly well done poem, l thank you for sharing it (forgot to add that earlier.) but erm... while l do think this could use a tiny bit of work that wasn't the cause of the rating.
Rofl l is odd.

[forfila]

War is horrible isn't it Laura.

You catch a good feeling here for it as a reader, and it is easy to read at fast tempo that builds the suspense.

Hope all is well, considering cicumstance.

Take care.

Love,
Me