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first chapter

The ad read: Dirty blonde, blue-green eyed woman, seeks man with a steady job, nice apartment, 6-pack, and love for animals, to care about her and take her out for a date. Call: 516-728-5600.

 

And with that the overbearing mother strikes again… I’m not really dirty blonde, my eyes are hazel and I am Not seeking any kind of man at this point. I’m tall enough to reach things myself, I’m strong enough to take care of myself been, doing that for years, I have a job so I even pay bills myself. I wish she’d stop, even if she is living on the belief of my not having any relationships before, I don’t want or need her help.

 

21 years alone, I can stay that way if I need to. I obliviously have chance encounters with the male of the species as any of us often do. My very first crush was a boy from third grade. He was new to the school just like I was. We had a lot in common and were friends, until the end of that year when he moved away. It near broke my heart in two. Even at that early age I started to realize the futility of love. When he was in my high school and we started hanging out again and I started falling for him again, it was at this point I realized the stupidity of boys. He was my best friend and whether he realized it or not we were practically dating. He never noticed until I left. When I changed high schools, by force, it was this sudden change that made him realize I was his. The friends that were “ours” left him. To this day he still blames me.

Shortly after that heart-screwing up experience, I was throw in front of the bus called love once again. It only took 2 hours for this relationship to start. My one best friend, also one of the “stupid” boys squatting on the dried up property that has become my love life, introduced me to this guy who was older than both of us by 5 years. We started to hang out and like always I miscalculated on the math test of friendship and like a fool thought we were much more. Also like a fool I let him realize how I felt without saying a word. My everything is on my sleeves, nothing ever kept inside, and no matter how torn, sullied or stained they are I wear everything out in the open. So he knew and played me with the advantage. It was a give only to never receive relationship where I stood still and deep down knew he was the only one going anywhere.

 

Then one day I asked him to come over and he replied with these words “I’m sorry, I can’t, I’ll be at my girlfriend’s house…” followed by silence.

 

Didn’t last long, when I cried. He led me on like a jockey does a horse. Feeling lost and alone I fell into a well of sorrow and remorse.

 

When I finally got over it, after a few years, the friend who’d introduced us started in on me. He’s younger and well, I never go for guys younger mainly for the fact I hold little respect for my mother and she married a younger man. I don’t want to resemble her in anyway if it can be helped. My friends were beginning to be part of the problem at this point. They made us have “alone time” we didn’t really want, in which he’d say inappropriate things, that I’d be used to hearing from him, that my friends spun into a web of his love for me. Turns out our first “date” was nothing more than for his need to go to the arcade at the mall.

 

Later that month he said “I don’t know what’s going on with you but we are not dating and you must be thinking we are… I’m sorry but we aren’t”.

 

Which led to a massive cover-up where I basically say the things I was thinking, “I actually thought you thought we were a couple I mean everyone thought we were dating back when we first met… I thought you were the one with the issues”.

 

Which led to us being friends but not nearly as close as before all this crappy love stuff.

So let’s face it I have issues dealing with men in general older or younger and if my mother even cared she’d know why I’d rather not settle for any man at all. I know what I need to be happy and if she thinks a man she picks out is the answer she is sadly mistaken. The last guy she set me up with was someone who she called a “perfect son-in-law” I don’t need that I need the “perfect man” for me and the only way to find him is to search and my police dogs were put down a long time ago. He was definitely someone she’d get along with, always fighting with me, just like her. Take our last conversation, I told him he acted like he cares but it was obvious he doesn’t give a crap. He asked why, then ignored the answer. Which is why not as if he cared. If she thinks I need help she needs a psychiatrist.