todd the ghost dude

not the permanent title, i promise

Todd hated this job. From the moment he woke up in his lumpy bed in the motel, to the second that he pulled the ugly, garish uniform on. Breakfast, which consisted of a single energy bar (specially ‘engineered’ to strengthen muscles and brain matter for people in his profession) instead enervated him. On his short walk to today’s work location, he trudged slowly through the crowd, usurping them as he scowled and made his path.

He arrived at the day’s job, vituperation in his head towards his employer as he took in the scene. A quaint home in shambles, with a construction crew surrounding it, their cranes and bulldozers cacophonous and strident. Todd groaned and heaved his briefcase to his side, and started up the walkway. As he approached, most of the workers continued to work, stuck in the inveterate ways of their occupation, but one peered down at Todd from his perch in a crane. This was completely typical. Someone was always in the way and made his job infinitely worse. Todd sighed, and looked back at the man, shielding his eyes from the sun with a hand.

“Hey, uh, sir, this is a construction site,” the man said, his brow wet, either from work or his anxiety of confronting Todd.

“Yes, I understand. This is my job, though.”

“Job? Work here? In a run-down, vacant house? Sir, I’m serious, and you better leave soon, or pretty soon, you’ll end up like this house.” The man was trying to act confident, but his voice shaked as he said these words.

Todd smiled grimly.

“Yes, it’s my job. I have to go in there. So if you could stop these men for one second, I’d very much appreciate it, as I don’t want to be here any longer than I already have to be.”

“A second?” the man sighed, then sighed again. “What is this job exactly?” He questioned, his eyes narrowing at Todd.

“It’s simple. I go in there, get out the old board,” at this, Todd lifted his briefcase and hit it with a solid thump, “and talk to the spirits.”

“Spirits? Sir, I’m afraid that’s a bunch of hooey!”

“There’s been some delay with this project, am I right? Trouble tearing down even the simplest of walls? That’s the spirits, sir. I need to go in there and talk to them. That’s my job,” Todd smiled grimly, glancing at the house, which was still unmoving despite the construction crew’s efforts to move it. 

“Well, okay.” The man sighed again, “Alright. This job’s meant to be done by two, so I suppose it can’t hurt. Guys, stop!” He waved his arms, and the rest of the crew stopped their efforts. 

Inside the house, Todd’s bad mood returned. This job was one big joke, and he knew that of course this house would be the one place that would need his talents. 

The whole house, the entirety of its insides was one giant lavatory. Toilets and sinks and hundreds of pipes snaking up and down the walls. Sitting down on the ground, a grimy drain next to him, Todd scowled and pulled out the board from his suitcase, and began his job. It didn’t take long before the spirits appeared. Due to this house’s unusual structure, its residents had died in odd ways: one appeared to have drowned, toilet paper streaming in its scraggly hair; another had severe burns, apparently from the sink water. 

Todd groaned, and then called out in a voice much larger than his own, “Spirits, I call you here today to instruct you. Please, you know what you need to do. There is a unnatural force here, and someone has to do something. And I guess that someone is me.” Todd smiled, and gazed at the spirits above. They smiled wickedly back.

---

The job was done. Todd picked up his suitcase and walked out of the house, and he smiled. The spirits of the lavatory house were outside, twisting and encircling the construction crew and their units of destruction. 

The hegemony had begun. 

Author's Note

this was a fun little story that i wrote for extra credit in my AP english class. the assignment was to choose ten words to include in the story/make it funny in one way or another. these were the ten words i chosen (+ their definitions):
garish - tacky
enervate - weaken
usurp - take over
cacophonous - noisy, loud
vituperation - bitter language
lavatory - bathroom
strident - harsh, grating
hooey - nonsense
inveterate - an established habit
hegemonic - dominance of one group over another