summer time blues

being on the edge of seventeen and feeling utterly, terribly, completely trapped

in this weather, two days is the same as two weeks

the summer’s almost over I can feel it

the pounding of the heart inside my chest (thumpthumpthumpthumpthump) when I begin to realize that its all gone. wasted

and I probably should be spending the time with friends, but theyre all with theyre other friends. their better friends. best friends. that’s not what I am to them

so I sit inside the un-airconditioned house that ive survived lived in for nearly seventeen years. its burning me alive

the fireflies floating outside of the windows don’t feel quite the same

instead of usual nostalgia of prior years, this time,

I think its fear

everywhere I go, someone is asking

what are you doing after high school or

where are you going to college or

what are you going to do with the miserable, wretched existence that you’ve been given on this earth?

(no one actually says that. that’s just what I ask myself everyday)

my anxieties have outgrown me, theyre a large hulking mass knocking on the inside of my skull and threatening to break out from within

everyone says ‘youre so talented / you will accomplish every single one of your dreams / I believe in you’

I don’t think I can believe in myself

when this summer is over, what about the next? what will I do when I come to the edge of the precipice between running and falling, pass or fail. life or death

I have no choice but to jump