A world within four walls. [Together then apart]

Afternoons spent thinking of you.

If I were with you this moment

As the sun kissed you good morning,

I'd pull you away, jealous of her golden rays.

Keep you hidden from daylight

Knowing it meant you have to leave.

Your limbs entangled in mine,

I'd ask you to stay five minutes longer

Hoping you know I secretly mean forever

Each kiss would last a lifetime, 

Our minds shut to the world outside.

Echoing laughter, sunflower smiles

Looks that kill when 

Creases form at your eyes

In that instant, my world is complete

Over-sized sweatshirts, you & me.

But all that remains of us

Are these thoughts I hide away

In books you'll never see

It's time for me

To snap out of my reverie.

Author's Note

I was a little confused picking a gender for the sun. Thank you to those of you that helped me decide!
Feedback is appreciated :)

Reviews

[Free_Soul]

Lovely poem..it kept me engrossed till the end...loved the flow !!

[Spacecadet]

Thank you for the review and the compliment :)

[♔ CrownedDevil &#..]

Beautiful poem, loved reading it. Nicely written. :-D

Kaze~

[Spacecadet]

Thank you! :)

[♔ CrownedDevil ☾]

Your very welcome. :-)

[Nathan]

An excellent poem of the day. Lovely poem, the best part of the poem's it's theme and colors. Your coloring which's painted the words with red's perfect and very peaceful reading because red's, of course, a symbol of love and every word's came from the heart of yours with love. I really enjoyed reading this poem. I'll look forward to read some of your more stuffs.

[Spacecadet]

Thank you :)

[melissa]

This is amazing poem keep up the great work and keep sending me more to read i love reading them

[Spacecadet]

Thank you! I will try :)

[melissa]

Your welcome

[Augustus]

Very warm and romantic and you make the jealousy almost sound sweet. In the context of your poem, I think it is apt to portray the sun to be feminine (Elves in LOTR do too by the way). In fact, I think the portrayal of the sun as a dazzling temptress who lures 'him' away from you is the most beautiful metaphor of this poem and its most unique feature. Another metaphor I loved is "sunflower smiles". That paints a very vivid picture. In a broader sense, I feel that you highlight some of those little joys in life that we tend to take for granted. And also those little sorrows, which are often understated, but intense in their own way.

The poem is warm and mushy like a fresh muffin for the first three stanzas so the last stanza is something of a jolt. In fact the tragedy simply doesn't sink in for a long time. And the reader finds it rather hard to snap out of your reverie. The last stanza adds a new dimension. In principle, it would have been a complete poem even within the first three stanzas. But had it ended there, it would have felt like a lukewarm goody-goody superficial effort. The last stanza lends a gravity to it and leaves the reader with some unrest in his mind. Just enough bitter to compensate for the sweet.

I can sort of gauge your style now... it is almost deceptively casual, but there is real substance in your writing... It isn't something that I have come across too often.
It was a pleasure to review this poem. Well done!

[Spacecadet]

Through reading your reviews, I learn things about my poem that I might have been unaware of before! I re-read it, through your perception and interpretation and manage to dig a little deeper each time. So thank you for that, Shreyas! Its really nice that you deeply analyse a piece of writing and make a genuine effort. Thank you so much for your kind words :)

[Augustus]

You're most welcome, Spacecadet! I am pleased that you find my reviews useful. :)

[Raymond Federle]

Fully emotive and passionate...well done! :)

[Spacecadet]

Thanks for the review, Raymond! :)

[Frieda P]

Bittersweet 'if only' wanderings of the mind, beautiful, yes...'her' definitely works here. ;) Brava Spacecadet

[Spacecadet]

Thank you for your suggestion and the review, Frieda! :) So glad you like it.

[Frieda P]

It definitely worked, especially in the way you portrayed it, my pleasure! :)

[ron]

This was beautiful. It feels like that when your in love.

[Spacecadet]

Thanks Ron :) It does.

[ron]

Your welcome Spacecadet.

[Avinash]

It's quite amorous depiction of a beautiful morning. I love reading such lines which fire your imagination and this is one of them.

[Spacecadet]

Thanks for the review, Avinash :) Happy I could trigger your thoughts!

[kublakhan27]

A painfully beautiful assessment of love's ups and downs...sadly this ends on a down but many love stories do...the ones I've been through anyway haha As charming and romantic as this piece is, I do detect an undercurrent of possession, wanting to keep him hidden from daylight and all. But alas, that's a part of love too. I like how you've added little characteristics like the sweatshirts and so on too...they give personality to the characters and help the reader to "get to know them" a little better. A bittersweet but lovely piece that is easy for many of us to relate to I'm sure...well done Spacecadet :)

[Spacecadet]

Haha, you haven't been down that road alone, Kubla! Thank you for noticing the little details and appreciating them. I'm glad you like it! :)