Girl, You Don't Know Anything About Life.

Last year,

I watched a broken white body sink into a casket;

she shared my father's blood.

I watched ziplock bags filled with flesh and cells and the prospect of kindergarten,

line up for biohazard dismissal.

I watched my brother cringe realizing his body could lift 300 lbs,

but never make a child.

I was shaking in an auditorium standing at attention

staring at a shining medal on stage, next to a soldier's photograph

I was wondering what his body looked like right now.

Right now,

right now

he is blood and scrambled limbs and I am

scrambled brains

wishing I could understand

my own fragility.

This is,

this is...

a little sensitive.

But I'm pretty sure I'm still immortal, and I'm pretty sure

I can still pretend to be human.

 

Author's Note

This still feels like it needs more flesh...any sugestions appreciated. I'm feeling it out.

Reviews

[The Thracian]

I do, I suppose, mean to be rude in some callous way. This one is a meter short of pretentious poetry. I'll tell you why, but you have to promise to not believe me, and to be angry.. and all that stuff. Grade A irate dolt material, you know?

'Biohazard dismissal' doesn't make sense to begin with. I believe it would be biohazardous, and for some reason, dismissal sounds like it should be disposal. Ah, biohazardous disposal. Mhm. I see.

'At attention' is short of being nonsensical too. Attentively perhaps?

'I WAS wondering what his body looked like right NOW' this construct doesn't make sense. Perhaps simply..
I wondered then what his body might look like...

Why would you wish to understand your own fragility? That's like skipping the meaning of life, afterlife, and going straight for death. But you know, as a point in the poem, I feel as if that line is the climactic point... everything that follows is sort of out of place.. Superfluous, unnecessary.. (Just get rid of it)

It'll seem grander that way. And the repetitions aren't that useful. Generally, in poetry, when lines are repeated like that, they're repeated thrice... mostly a tradition carried on from biblical lines, but also because it became mainstream in poetry.. Especially with war poems.

Death, dark & dull
Death,
Death.

Oui, je veux t'aider, mais je ne sais pas comment �tre gentil...

[tasha armstrong.]

I love, love, love this.
You, my darling, are a beautiful writer.

Continue writing amazing things :)

xoxo, t.

[Meredith Leigh]

This is so heartfelt, and heart wrenching. I can feel the pain behind this poem and it really makes me think. As well as being sad, it is also very beautiful and flows well. Not easy to do, great job!

- Kriss

[Cliff Rhodes]

WOW! This is really moving and needs nothing else, rhythm is right, and it brings my brain to attention. There is a spirit in all of this that permeates humanity and makes us all a little more than human.

[Dimples87]

OK, I liked this but I'm still lost. It feels like it needs something to explain what came up to this point or to explain who you are in all of this. I like it so far but I hope you take in some of my suggestions.