Back and There Again... A Boy's Journey to Manhood

This is my story of growing up.

I started out as a young man. Mostly still a boy in most ways. I was 18, fresh out of high-school and ready to conquer the world. As most men (of any age) think they are. A little back story before I begin...

I grew up in a very religiously strict household. My father had a steady job, my mother was a stay-at-home mom. I never worried if I would lose my parents in a divorce, or where I would get my next meal. I was in many ways part of an average middle income family. One thing that did set me apart was my education. I was homeschooled from my first year of school until I graduated. This was never a huge deal for me. I mean sure I wanted to play sports and such but the insensitive of being able to graduate early if I did some school during the summer, and the fact that it afforded me the ability to have two jobs all through High School more than offset the drawbacks. And so my story begins.

 

Like I mentioned I had just graduated High School and ready to start down my path of world domination. Anything and everything was at my finger tips. If I could only decide what "anything and everything" I wanted to conquer first. I had considered if not strongly desired to be a fireman from a young age. I am not really sure where this desire stemmed from but for some reason it was always there. I guess It may have embodied every strong male persona my young mind could imagine. There was danger, the fact that I could help saves lives, blah blah blah. In my mind there was probably fire works and scantly clad woman on every corner for a guy like me with a job like that. But, as with most things there was a catch. Money. I hate that stuff. Heaven if you have it. Hell if you don't. I guess that was one of my first lessons. So where was I supposed to get this mythical treasure. I guess this part didn't make much sense. I have to get a job, to earn money, to go back to school, to get a different job, to make a little more money. Wow that sucks even thinking about it. But such is the world.

So back to the drawing bored I went. I went over what I wanted. What I thought I would be good at. The whole 5 year plan mumbo jumbo doesn't help a headstrong, impatient, go-go-go guy like me. Also at that age I had to consider one of my biggest hurdles, my ideals. I knew I had a purpose. Something big I was destined to accomplish. I mean wasn't I important. I knew I could do something everyone would remember. But what? So plan B. Join the army.

No it wasn't my first choice. Hell it was kind of a spur of the moment decision, but why not. I mean I would be helping people. The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan were still waging very strongly. People were being killed everyday, and they didn't have anyone to save them. I could be there Saviour. Never mind the hundreds of thousands of men and women that have gone or are there right now. These people needed ME. Or so I thought.

And so I joined. I wanted to be the most qualified G.I. Joe in the military. I didn't really no where to start but U.S. Army Ranger sounded bad a*s. No it wasn't Delta Force, but that would be in a year or two. Maybe six months if I was doing well. I mean nothing could stop the invincible Saviour of all those in need, that I would soon become. So I plunged head long into the mysterious world of camouflage and acronyms (as if knowing what an ACU was or a AR 350-1 would make me unstoppable save the good guy kill the bad guy BAMF that I knew I could be.)

And as many of these stories go, I hit my first snag. Depending on how you look at it, what happens next defines the man I grew into more than I ever though possible. I met a girl. Now this wasn't an ordinary girl. This was an angel. In my mind I had met my Bonnie. She was my partner to helping me achieve my destiny. I knew she was the one I wanted to clean my wounds and nurse me back to health after I limped home from the battlefield.

So skipping forward a bit, this was the girl I wanted to marry. As with most things, me being a 19 year old with a God complex, I did what I obviously should. I married her. Please don't think I am making light of my relationship. Its not that it wasn't a big step for me, or that I didn't think about it long and hard. Its just that in my mind it was the next logical step in my journey to wherever I thought I was going. I love my wife. I always loved her from the moment I met her. Did I jump into making vows that I had no idea what they even met? HELL YES! Would I change a thing? HELL NO! (We are still happily married by the way, but I think she is married to a different man now than the man she married so long ago.)

From the time we said "I do" I set about turning her (or at least attempting to) into my accomplice. As my partner she had certain responsibilities, that me as a young chauvinistic man thought, she would need to learn. She was "supposed" to have protein rich (preferably red meat) dinner ready when I got home from slaying my evil adversaries, and she was "supposed" to have the house in order and ready for my daily triumphant return. Pretty soon I realized that I may have been a little mistaken as to which one of us was the partner. And this presented quite a problem to a manly warrior like me. But thus began my actual training.

After all that time of turning my self into what I thought was my destiny, I realized something important. I was WRONG. Now most of you probably are like "so what, it happens." But this was a much bigger deal to me than you probably realize. You see being the perfectionist and control freak that I was, realizing and admitting I was wrong started a domino affect that is still taking place. That one small realization cause me to open my eyes. I was wrong about something, what else might I be wrong about. It was time for a major re-evaluation. And so the soul searching began.

The biggest blow came to one of the most important parts of who I wanted to be, my ideals. If I continued on the path I had wanted to be on I would probably be dead. If not at the hands of some bomb maker in Afghanistan then at my own. When the ideals that I placed so much faith in began to crumble where did that leave me. I put so much faith in the fact that the war I was fighting was just war, and that I could not make a wrong decision, that I didn't leave room to think things through. This was a lesson that was hard for me, but necessary. What were the important things in life? How did I want myself to be immortalized? I had thought for so long that being everything for everyone would be what did it for me. What truly made me happy. But on this I was mistaken.

Skipping forward a whole lot (everything I skipped I will tell you about another day) I near the end of my journey. I say that somewhat coyly because what may have seemed like the end of who I was becoming in reality was the begging of another mans journey. I learned so many things. I learned how to fight, how to kill, how to love. All of these can lend themselves to making a man (or women) happy. But how does one know what will make themselves happy? For me it took me bashing my head into a wall trying to do what I wanted when the door was always right beside me. But I just wasn't ready to see it. I had to let myself go. Let my mind open to the world around me to see the beauty that was there.

I used to think that I wouldn't have what I wanted until I had slain the proverbial dragon, killed all the enemy soldiers, rescued the princess, and looted the gold. Now for me true happiness is having the woman I love sitting beside me, as a team, not as my side-kick. It means having what I need and working for it. I don't need a castle, or all the nice things you could possibly want. When you can learn to see not only the beauty in the sun and fields, but also in the rain and lightning then you can be happy no matter what. Happiness is all around us. I just had to open my eyes to see mine.

Author's Note

This is one of my first attempts at anything longer than a poem. I know it could use refinement. Any input that would make me better is much appreciated.

Reviews

[Vidya Bacchus]

wow this is a very moving story.You make me feel what you feel , you are that damn good and don't let anyone tell you different.Although your grammar needs a little work that's all .Great work.

[Grimesy]

Thank you vidya. Yes the grammar is something I def need to work on. But that will come with practice. Thanks for your support and encouragement though. It is appreciated very much.