doormats

He touches

roughly,

selfishly,

forcibly,

and i do not

intervene.

 

compares me

to a dirt road:

 

a dreadful walk

toward something

more compelling.

 

explored with

little interest,

 

but walked on

comfortably

with soiled

shoes.

 

He warns me

to run--claims

he is destructive.

 

I obey.

 

i have reached

an edge.

my foot begins

to slip,

and i do not

intervene. 

Author's Note

This is still in its beginning phases. I wrote it this morning, and it's the first piece of poetry/prose writing I've done in months. Just curious to see what you think, especially about the structure. Thank you!

Reviews

[SleeplessVolcano]

You need not worry about your structure. When a poet tries to paint an emotionally vivid picture, the picture itself becomes the journey, and the reader gets lost in what is happening.

You did this brilliantly. The repetition of "do not intervene" for me shows the mind being aware of this behavior, and is alarmed by it, but the heart has already given up. Beautiful contradictions. :)

[soulremedies]

Thank you so, so much. This was beyond helpful, and your kind and honest words warmed my heart. I greatly appreciate it :)

[Relic]

It has a great pace to it as far as formatting goes. The relenting to him shows an either an inner desire to let him dominate or a weakness. The reader can decide either way. Nice job.

[MacbeMe]

I like the poem, very intense, and where you are trying to go with the whole thing but it seems a little "disconnected"? I hope that's not offensive (I dont mean it to be). Or it might just be that the content is so unsettling. I am interested in seeing/reading your updated version of this poem if you have one.

[earthperceptions]

I really like the structure. It's definitely hard to digest just because the topic is unsettling. But it is beautifully written and I wouldn't change it too much. Your line breaks are very strong. Maybe capitalize "He" and "I" especially he so that it is more of a title to that person. That last stanza Ayanna.. it speaks to my soul and breaks my heart. It's amazing how being oppressed will shift the way you think about life and death.

[JC]

I'm a firm believer in the Kerouac saying that first word best word, I see this as complete and tragically beautiful and real and honest. It has incredible depth, with this sorrowful tiredness, you did a great job of connecting emotion and metaphor.