Not a farewell letter

This is not my goodbye.

I don't know whether there will be one. I still love you, and I know that hurts more than anything for you.

But I need you to understand why. Why everything. I can't explain it all. I doubt I'll ever be able to. But in a relationship, I've always made sure that I'm as true to myself as I am to that person. I wouldn't betray them, I wouldn't lead them on. I didn't betray you, and it hurts me that you feel like I did, when all I've ever been is honest with you, despite everything I went through for you and with you. I always promised myself that if ever I fell out of love (as I did), then I would accept it was likely by my own fault, and not necessarily yours, and that there was rarely anything to be done about it. I wouldn't keep things going, knowing that you deserve more than a halfhearted smile and a heart that only felt a fraction of what it once rejoiced to feel. And that's why I made my decision the way I did. Because you deserve better than I can give you anymore.

I don't care that you think I'm perfect. I don't care that you feel betrayed by me, that I've left you completely and am never going to be back. I know that this is the right choice for me, and if I don't make the choices I need to to keep respecting myself, then how can I make choices to respect you as well?

I'm not perfect, as I've tried to convince you over and over. I may be on the side of the angels, but never mistake me for one of them. I prepared myself long ago for the heartbreak that would come with our ultimate end. But when I fell in love with you, and you with me, I let that go. And afterwards, after August, it came back. Creeping at first, but I knew it was there and that my mind was already preparing itself. And I ignored it, thinking that if I pretended it wasn't there and that I didn't remember, that things would still turn out okay. And for a while they were, and we had last semester in joy and happiness. But it was there.

And then it was back, and by last semester I was all but shoving it away trying to keep it back from me. But, much as I fight, I don't always march to victory, and it was back.

And now, I need it more than I ever thought I would, because I expected you to be the one to end things, never myself, and I never expected it to hurt to break something off as much as this is hurting me. But I was hurting anyway. I've practiced since elementary school, hiding my pain to spare others form having to worry about me. And I did that with you, more than I will ever admit. I was hurting, not just when we were apart, but when we were together. Because my indecisiveness was tearing us apart, and that made me even less able to make any sort of decision. And, ultimately, this week I managed to clear my mind enough to realize that it doesn't hurt as much to be apart as it does to be with you. Because I realized that I was only hurting myself and my pride by staying with you. I loved you, but that wasn't why I was still with you. I wanted to protect you, I wanted to spare you from having to feel that pain. But it wasn't my place. I couldn't see a future with you anymore. We had planned it carefully so many months ago, and suddenly it was lost to me.

In all fairness to you, I should have spared us both the pain and just stayed away after August. I was stupid. I was heartbroken. I was head-over-heels-then-crushed, and I didn't know what to do with myself. All I knew was that I missed you, like I did a few weeks ago, and again this week, and again now. But time heals all wounds, no matter how deep, and that's what I'm praying to have happen, for the good of us both.

Grief has overtaken me. I'm crying. Not  just crying, I'm practically screaming with pain and heartbreak. Because you were (ARE) so familiar, and I've been with you for so long, through everything.

But everything piles up, and it becomes overwhelming. And sure, you can try to clear it away, but for how long? Placing things in other places doesn't get rid of it, it just spreads it out more so it's not always in your face reminding you of its presence. But if you ignore it too long, it builds up again, and try and try as you might, it never actually goes away, and if you don't have a method for putting everything away and deciding what shouldn't be there anymore, then you don't get very far. And we tried, but we're both young. We're new at love, and as much as we tried, we failed, and there's no other way to put it. We failed.

I still love you; just not as much as I once did. It's a fraction, though. You kept telling me that you wanted me to see myself the way that you do, and I'm starting to.... but I see myself as strong, amazingly strong, strong enough to know that what I need now is time. Lots of it. Time to myself, time to explore. Time alone. And something tells me that you'll find that that's exactly what you need too. Because you can focus on yourself, and what you want your new goals to be. You can rebuild yourself. You can be the person you want to be, without having to lie about anything. People can reject you as easily as they accept you, and you're never going to please everybody. You can spend your time however you want, and focus on your studies so you can get even better grades than ever, maybe even make Dean's List like I never have. You can still graduate and be a history professor, and I'll be damned if you won't be the best history professor ever.

Maybe I'm damned anyway, the way life has been going.

I asked you to do something for me. One last thing, since you won't have to do anything for me ever again. And I want to ask that of you again, one more time: Keep going. Please, for me. For every happy moment we ever had together. For every memory that will haunt me for long lonely nights to come. For everything we ever had and were:

Keep going.

You are strong on the inside, and you have someone deep inside yourself that you once wanted to rediscover. You were excited, and I feel that you still are somewhere inside you. Don't let grief cloud your mind. Use it as an outlet. Explore it, play with it, test how deep it runs. And yes, let it out. Like you told me so many times, let your grief out. Don't be afraid of it, don't trap it in. Just let yourself go, cry, scream, yell, let yourself feel everything and let it wash over you. And then, let it go. Let it float away, let it be taken from you for safekeeping somewhere you'll never have to think about it again. Talk with people. You have friends. You always told me to not worry, that I have friends, that people like me. Guess what? People like you too. You don't have to console my aching self esteem anymore, because you can focus on yourself. That's what I want you to do, is better yourself, not for me, not for anyone else, but for YOU. Because YOU want to. Because I think that you'll find someone inside of you worth living for.

And one more thing. I don't care how much you don't want to hear it, how much it hurts, because it'll eventually hurt me more to see you suffering at your own hands. So please.

Find someone.

I know you said that there's nobody else you want, that I'm the only one, but there are well over SEVEN BILLION people out there in the world. There will be others. And you said that you'll never find someone like me, and you're right. You sure as hell won't ever find someone like me again. But that's okay, because nobody is like me, just as nobody is like you and I'll never find someone like you.

And that's perfectly fine, because you know what? You've made an impression on me. You've made an imprint in my heart, and that won't go away. You are the first man I ever truly, deeply, wholeheartedly loved with all myself. And if you think that a year, or two years, or even ten years down the road, that I'm going to forget that, then you are sorely mistaken. Just know that please. You will never be forgotten. I will always remember you, and there will always be a little piece of me that still thinks of you and sighs over the amazing times we had together.

You say you don't think we can be friends. I respect that, much as I'd like to disagree. So, just like you gave me my space, I'll give you yours. You can approach me when you feel ready to try a friendship. When you feel like you can talk to me, make a joke, say anything to me. When you feel like you can face me, look into my eyes, and not want to instantly disappear into last year again. And, truth be told, I don't think that'll be easy for you.

I hope that one day, hopefully sooner (but you can't rush these things), you'll be able to talk to me again. You're absolutely amazing. You always have been, even before we started dating. And I'd like to be able to see where you've been, where you've brought yourself. I'd like to see you improving and getting better, because you deserve it. But most of all because cutting you out of my life would be one of the worst things to happen to me. To us.

It's going to be a long night for me, as I'm sure it already is for you. But try to sleep. Try to dream happy dreams. Try to heal. And find a purpose for yourself. I never wanted to be your entire purpose in life; I only ever wanted to be a part of it. And we had some amazing times together, and those will be on my mind (and yours, I'm sure) for the next few days weeks months years however long it takes for me (us) to heal. And there will be scars. Big, ugly ones. But remember the good times we had together as just that: good times.

Our picnic at Kent Falls, and you trying to fly that goddamn rainbow parrot kite;
randomly wandering around Target and Walmart because we had nothing better to do;
the root beer float you were drinking at the Harwinton Fair as we jokingly argued over how horrible a town Harwinton was;
Monday mornings spent in the trunk of your car with the seat pushed down, just so we could cuddle for a bit longer;
the first time you kissed me, by accident, after our movie and shopping trip in Waterbury;
the second time you kissed me, on a challenge, in the Writing Center at TUConn;
those common wildflowers that were the most thoughtful, beautiful gift in the world because you picked them for me on our bike ride through Unionville;
cold nights when I curled up close against you because not only were you warm, but because you were the most valuable thing in my life, and I never wanted to let go of you.

Remember them. Remember me in a good light, just as I will remember you. You are your own person. You're not mine anymore. You don't owe anything to me. You can make your own life without having to worry about me or how I'm feeling or whether I'm sad or angry or depressed or anything. Because I'm doing my best to focus on the good in my life, and I have a lot to be happy about. And I'd like to see you happy too, even if it's just a glimpse of your facebook status or passing by you on the sidewalk.

You deserve a happy and full life, and I want you to have everything you could ever want out there. Dreams, futures, everything you ever wanted. They're all open to you, and all you need to do is get back on your feet, and keep pushing forward.

Goodbye, for now. I wish you the best in life. And if you can ever look at me again, if you ever need someone just to talk to, just know that I'll still be here for you. Forever and always.

-Samm-