My cabin

I live inside your shell

sheltered and safe from all outside

your veins once sent life from the soil's deep well

to emerald green, whose crown, in sun did abide

Having sucked the strength from the ground

with descending roots that griped the earth

ages of light transformed, now in rings abound

In a mighty oak's womb I await daily birth

From your aged creaking cracks, comes a lullaby

Instead of water, out of the soul's well, you absorb my tears

A protective mother, all threats you nullify

With walls of years you shield me from looming fears

From a cold hecatomb, your skeleton warms me

The beauty of your grain adorns my humble abode

your spirit of sacrifice lingers and will immortal be

I feel your life force, comforting me at the end of my road

Reviews

[Thomas W Case]

Tremendous work and very well crafted.

[Soren]

Thank you so much Thomas for the review it is deeply appreciated.

[nadia dmitri]

This sounds like a some sort of ancient song or rhyme almost, it is so mature and has very intelligent diction that alludes to so much lurking beneath the surface, amazing work :)

[Soren]

An ancient song for an ancient cabin I thank you so much for your review and most kind words

[JayG]

• A protective mother, all threats you nullify

Ahh... Needed a rhyme you did. So Yoda-Speak you used.

My point is that you mistake the function of the rhyme. It's not the focus of the line, it's an accent. Done well, the rhyming if ohe final word in the line seems incidental, because it's the perfect word to express the thought.

It's the "tink" of a finger cymbal, not the thud of a drum. My favorite example of this is the lyric to the song, "The Twelfth of Never," released in 1957. Look at the opening:
- - - - -
You ask how much I need you, must I explain?
I need you, oh my darling, like roses need rain.
You ask how long I'll love you; I'll tell you true:
Until the twelfth of never, I'll still be loving you.
- - - - -
Notice the clever trick played on the reader: The speaker is replying to a question that the reader supposedly asked, placing that reader INTO the poem, as the beloved who has asked that question. And since the question is one we might ask of someone who loves us, the answer is inherently interesting (especially since, if it’s a good answer we might use it).

So with “You ask,” and without realizing why, the reader is emotionally involved. To me, that’s brilliant writing.

Next, the line requests to know how long their commitment will last, then dismisses it as supposedly obvious. Yet it’s a critical question, so the seeming disconnect again draws the reader in, with the unspoken comment of, "Well yes, you absolutely must tell me, because I need to know." So, given the attitude placed in the reader with that thought, we WANT to hear the response, and it feels as if it's directed at us. And that is a HUGE hook. Right?

The response is 100% allegorical. It says, in effect, “I can’t live without you,” but does it in a pretty, and interesting way.

The question/answer sequence then continues with a clever twist, Love will end, but on a date that’s an impossibility.

It’s 100% emotion-based writing. It calls up context that already exists in the reader/listener’s mind. But even had they never heard the expression “like roses need rain,” it would be instantly meaningful.

It’s part of a song, but this first verse, for me, is a perfect example of emotion-based poetry.

And let's take it one step further, and look at the FLOW. It's metric poetry, so it rhymes. But notice that the rhymes aren't the obvious Moon/June type, and the words fit the thought so well that the rhyme seems incidental, an accent rather than a drumbeat. And each line has the same cadence: seven beats per line that the reader, or singer, will fall into, enhancing the experience.

Make sense?

The song was released 65 years ago, and Johnny Mathis still sings it as well now as when it was a hit for him. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=budhd2VIJj0

For a great intro to prosody, and the elements of metric poetry, head over to Amazon and read the intro to Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled. I recommend it to all writers, for what it has to say about the flow of language.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

[Soren]

Thank you for having the interest, time and courage to give a review that is critical, but at the same time constructive and not just a pat on the back. It is deeply appreciated.