Garran

Taylor Swift's new song "Ronan" inspired this story. If you read this, you should definitely go buy that song. All proceeds go to cancer-related charities.

I will remember every moment of your all too short life forever. I will cherish every second I had with you and I will miss you desperately until we meet again. I always think about you, never letting you slip from my mind even for the shortest time. Thinking about you hurts, but letting you go is unbearable. 

I remember the time on your first birthday, when you were sitting up in your high chair, King of the Kitchen. We'd gotten you your own miniature cake, just your size, and it was chocolate, just like you like. You dug into that thing, devouring much more than we'd imagined and getting almost the same amount on your clothes and mouth. I remember your big grin, chocolate in your teeth and down your brand new shirt; it's etched into my mind. See, we already knew then. And I knew to memorize everything about you while I could because one day, memories would be all I had. 

Anyway, that cake. Like I said, you ate so much. You were growing up so quickly and that broke my heart almost as much as knowing it would soon stop. That's why, when you were done with that cake and threw it frosting-side-down onto the brand new creme colored carpet, I couldn't be angry. How could I be upset? The carpet was ruined, yes, there's still a big brown stain there that I won't let your father remove. But it was hilarious, and your reaction to your own actions--that big chocolate covered grin and the most precious of all laughs--well, it is one of my most treasured memories with you.  

I remember playing Play-Doh with you on your new craft table. You thought it was just the coolest invention ever, and we spent hours shaping and reshaping the stuff until you fell asleep sitting right there in your chair, blue Play-Doh in one hand and red in your hair. I remember sitting and watching you sleep, so peacefully, and even thinking about it now my heart overflows with longing to reach out and touch you like I did that day, brushing your little blonde ringlets from your face and kissing your soft-as-clouds cheek. I remember ever so carefully taking the Play-Doh from your hands and carrying you to your bed, and I remember putting away the Play-Doh, each color in its correct container, not knowing my meticulousness would be wasted...that would be the last time you played with the stuff. 

There were a lot of lasts in your life, Garran, but I did my best to make sure there were a lot of firsts, too. Your first swim in the ocean, with that floatie shaped like a giraffe, my too-big-for-you sunglasses perched on your nose hiding your big blue eyes, ready to fall into the saltwater at any moment. Your first Santa vist, your first hot air balloon ride, your first kiss--from the neighbor girl, Claire. You're such a heartbreaker already--getting a 6 year old girl when you're only 4. 

That day, your last day, is the day I think about most. Oddly enough, it's the day that makes me feel better about losing you. I held your hand all night and day. I held it together and didn't cry in front of you. I told you how much I loved you, so much baby, and I kissed your cheek before you closed your eyes that final time. Your last words, though, I'll never forget. "You're the best, Mommy." That's how I got through this, Garran. Because with those 4 words, you assured me that all my work was worth it. I did the best I could, and you lived the best life I could give you. And I will hold onto that thought until we meet again.

Reviews

[Michael Bujtas]

Tragic and depressing while at the same time uplifting. I liked this a lot, good work.