~Hallow of Skeleton

Wind howls in this funeral of blood

Wavy hair danced across her pale face as she ran through the dark woods.Her crimson gown flowing all the way.... She ran past the wild creatures,she ran past the milky rays of moon,she ran past the warnings of phantoms.

She could feel his presence near... Yes! He was breathing at her neck.Her senses hyperaware.She accelerated.Whispers....then cackles of evil laughter.She cringed.Goosebumps spread across her skin.Still she sped past the Lake of Judas.They said it was here under this lake,his head had ben buried.After he had betrayed the saviour.

"Want to drown here ,Lady???" -The eerie question hung in air.Sending a cold shiver down her spine.She galloped ahead with all her might.She had to reach there! Tumbling over a few rocks ,still she didn't give up.Finally she made it to her destination.... "Hallow of Skeleton" .Uncoverng the leaves from above the marble.She read the inscription "R.I.P Sophie Jordan.
(2-09-1995)- (28-09-2013)
You will be missed"

Ohhh!!how she missed her,how they had got along so well together.How they had made fun of s****y girls in high school,their silly banters over which dress to wear to prom... They had shared a common lust for chocolate.They had been chocolate fiends.She squeezed the chocolate wrapping close to her chest.She had brought it in such a hurry.

The air around her sizzled.A shrill mocking laughter broke the deathly silence of night. "You think you can walk away??" -the voice caressed her cheeks.No!!! Her mind screamed.She could never walk away..... The pain was still too raw.It would haunt her forever... She gulped the chocolate down.It somehow tasted bitter.Wiping chocolate with the back of her hand.She cleaned her mouth.Life had turned sour for her.

There was no escape now. Not even the grave.Sophie sighed as she slept over the cold marble .Moonlight melted her body into the dark hole.May be here she could rest.The voices won't come back here afterall....

Author's Note

Its the second story i have posted on this Cafe.I am new to writing stories.So pardon me for my silly mistakes .Hope you like it. :) Enjoy xx

Reviews

[Rene Salinas]

In terms of Structure it seems that this could fit nicely under flash – fiction. I have it down at 319 in words which makes it even more enticing if you decided to go for that as places like http://pidgeonholes.com/ and/or http://unbrokenjournal.com/ are in search for good writings.

In terms of Theme many emotions coming together from the freshness of the character to the feelings to the deceased. To that extent the initial description serves to set the scene into a feeling of magical realism. Then it turns into a scene of mystery as the voice from beneath speaks and sends a cold sensation. “Come and drown here the voice enticed.” Then it changes for a moment of remembrance and the same memories that on one hand invoked great moments of pleasure they become the thoughts which shackle and chain.

In terms of Dialogue it seems that this may be delving into the inner outer nature, but it remains mysterious, which adds a little enigma to the story.

Characters could be one could be more, it will depend on the interpretation I guess.
In terms of grammar and typos, I think both sites I left here will have submission guidelines, but 2pt spacing would be the norm ,so that the words have more air to breathe and flow.

“ran past the milky rays of the moon”

“! He was breathing on her neck!”

“Hyper – aware”

Spacing after the stops and a few commas here and there that I can see.

A good combination of mystery, intrigue and jovial feelings.

Thank you.

[Sophy Freebirds]

Thank you so much Rene :) .Your suggestions were helpful... I am looking forward to improve.

[Metta]

Hi Sophy
You painted a vivid picture in my mind of the woman running through the cemetry, very good. I'd like to know why she was in such a hurry to visit the grave though, and did she die on thr grave herself when she lay down on it? this wasn't clear to me, but you have the makings of an excellent story.
Metta

[Sophy Freebirds]

This ain't a simple story its the metaphysical aspect here.And the subtle hints are to intrigue the reader. :) thank you for reading

[MsJewel]

Your second story...wow...one would never know...
Your descriptions are vivid - I could taste the bitter chocolate, feel the cold stone.
You gave me goosebumps with this chilling little tale.
Great work my friend :) Julie

[Sophy Freebirds]

Thank you so much dear for your appreciation. it means a lot dear :)

[ANTO]

This is class. I dont read stories as a rule (I have the attention span of a gold.... what was I saying?)
I like the Judas Lake legend - a story all its own there methinks
I like the wit (chocolate fiends especially tickled me)
I really liked this
" She gulped the chocolate down.It somehow tasted bitter.Wiping chocolate with the back of her hand.She cleaned her mouth.Life had turned sour for her. " - makes her almost feral. Cool imaginings SF.
:)) -

[Sophy Freebirds]

Thank you so much Anto for taking time to read this. it means a lot :)

[R Smith]

second story huh! Well then that bodes well for the future, its a magical and sad tale and leaves me looking for more from you, great work :)

[Sophy Freebirds]

:p glad you enjoyed it Mr.Richie :) if you like it so much and if readers ove it i will start writing stories too.But poetry will be my life

[R Smith]

any way you choose to write i'm sure will be perfect, you have the makings of a fine poet and storyteller, just go for it :)

[Sophy Freebirds]

Thank you for the encouragement Richie... was damn badly needed :)