You're gone

Now I scattered myself on the floor with a big empty heart
because you left
and you're no longer by my side
and now all I have left are memories wandering on my mind
and I want you back

I hope you know you broke my heart
you tore it apart
you smashed it with a knife
but this heart didn't break even
it broke apart

and I keep crying because to me you mean life
then how could you leave me alone
now when I needed your love the most

you left
I begged for you to stay
you packed your stuff
and walked out the door
and left me with a big pain inside my chest
a contraction that I cannot bear to hold on

and I begged for you to stay home
but it was too late cause you were already gone

and I can't take all this hurt
but you left
and now my heart is torn.

Author's Note

This is not my best poem...I kind of did it in 5 minutes...Halfway going through this right now..
Feedback? Constructive criticism?

Reviews

[elyza0926]

i like your poem. i'm not great at criticizing works, and i'm not much aware about the technical stuffs so i'm just going to judge the story itself. it's a heart-breaking poem, and i guess everyone goes through this stuff sooner or later. you did a great job at expressing your feelings, and i kinda like the flow of the poem. i guess you can do a better one, but this is good too :)

[Manda]

wow! this was awesome! i loved this!

[Coyote Poetry]

Poem is direct. It is written like a story. But the poem told a story of lost and sadness. You were direct and told a good story with your word. You could make the flow roll better. Some poem don't need flow. They need purpose only. You have purpose.
Coyote

[Emily]

I find this a very interesting idea. You're scattered in your ideas, but at the same time as that is distracting and scattered that really conveys the pain and the terror you felt when these things were happening. I don't think that every poem has to be perfectly concrete. I think that it is much more important that they say what you want them to and relieve some of the pain you feel as you bleach it out onto the paper.
NIce work!

[Kenny L. Mitchell]

Refocus on the point you're trying to get across. It's like you're mixing a pot of different ingredients but can't quite get the flavor you want. The best chefs sometimes are those who aren't afraid to experiment. Can't wait to see what you cook up! GOOD LUCK!