Missing Mom

oldest child

At this age

I thought I'd have

already grown out

of my mom

but not yet

probably not ever

I still miss my mom

she's in the kitchen

every morning

she sends me texts

every morning

I see her everyday

I miss my 00's mom

the one that was playful

that chased my dad

and I around all evening

with buckets of water

and then it was our turn

I miss my mom that loved.

the one that loved being

just with her sisters

just with her parents

just with her friends

they sit inside every night

I don't blame them of course

I blame the world.

how it works.

People get old

people change

we change

I don't know why

I feel uncomfortable

when my mom comforts me.

even before.

I don't like being vulnerable

even if I need to be

I thought I was old then.

I was a real adult,

I could make my own choices.

I made bad decisions.

Not knowing how my mom 

now would react

I keep quiet still.

I still get episodes

where I want to scream

but sometimes I miss my mom

like I did in the days after

when she would sit silent on the phone

In moments

All I want is 

A mom 

That doesn't exist.

At least

Not anymore

everything is fine

she doesn't need to worry

about me

I take care of everything

every problem

I solve it.

That's what I was raised to do.

a personal problem solver

personal assistant

personal therapist

personal driver

a backup parent

I didn't believe minds could snap

I also didn't know just how big

the entire world was

until I just left.

Of course I felt guilty.

I cried in my car when I was about to give up.

I couldn't handle the guilt

I'd have rather have lost my dream

that I had my hands finally wrapped around

than feel like a burden

feel sorry for wanting to leave

for adding unnecessary stress

I'm already told on the daily 

how there's already too much stress

so instead I cope. 

the best I can.

The best I can is

put my mind away for a little bit.

it feels nice.

besides the nagging.  

Author's Note

Starting to move stuff out of my notes app so grammar is definitely not fixed yet