September - Caroline

Caroline Dawson has been Alli's best friend forever... but is that enough to keep them together?

September

Caroline

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve been sitting in this room for an hour listening to Alli talk about her new sex life with Adam.  They’ve been officially “doing it” for a little over a month now, and since I’m Alli’s main confidante, I get to hear all the lovely sordid details. 

            “Do you happen to know what the average size of a penis is?” she asks me, while I’m at her desk hunched over our math assignment due in two days.  Recently, my parents have basically told me that they’re going to send me off to boarding school if I don’t get straight A’s all year. Thanks, Mom and Dad.

            “Alli, why would I know that?” I sigh, getting somewhat frustrated that she isn’t doing anything even close to studying.

            “I don’t know,” she shrugs, “Maybe you just happen to know.”

            “Well,” I say looking back at the set of math problems I’ve been slaving over, “I don’t.”

            “Damn,” Alli says, “Someone’s touchy.”

            I let my head fall forward onto the arm that’s resting on the desk. “Alli, I’m not being touchy. I just need to get this done,” I say, my voice muffled by my arm, “In fact, we need to get it done.”  I lift my head up and look at her expectantly.

            Instead of nodding in agreement and joining me in doing homework, she just shrugs me off and digs out her laptop from her backpack.

            “I’m looking it up,” she declares.

            “Looking what up?” I reply absentmindedly while punching equations into my calculator.

            “The average size of a penis,” she says like that’s the most normal thing to be doing instead of homework. 

            “Knock yourself out,” I reply, tired of Alli blowing off homework when I have to work my a*s off, or else get sent off.  Hey, at least I might get into a good college if I slave away at Choate.

            A few minutes later, she obviously finds what she wanted.

            “Huh,” I can hear her click rapidly, “Yeah, I’d say that’s kind of what Adam’s looks like.”

            “Awesome,” I hope she can hear my heavy sarcasm.  Sometimes I think she either doesn’t understand when I don’t mean what I say, or she’s just ignoring it.

            “Oh, hey, have I told you about the wheelbarrow, yet?” She asks, ignoring my obvious disinterest.

            “Yup. That position that sounds crazy uncomfortable, right?” I’m trying. I really am. I’m trying to be patient and hope she will go back to how she was a year ago.  I miss studying with her, and talking about everything �" not just sex.  I mean, I’m not going to say that I’m not curious and want to know more.  But I don’t want to hear about it constantly from my best friend who used to treat sex like it wasn’t something to just throw away.

            “It’s not uncomfortable!” Alli insists, “It feels really, really good.”

            “Okay, sure.”

            “You’ll find out eventually,” she says, and I look up at her. She’s smirking slightly, and I don’t really know why.

            “Right. Eventually,” I nod, give he a tight smile, then return to my math. I’ve only gone through seven of fifteen problems. Damn it. My parents want me to do well in school, and that’s annoying, but the thing is that I want to do well in school because I’d like to go to a good college.  I’ve been looking at Middlebury and Wesleyan pretty seriously, but I know Alli is set on Brown.  I haven’t told her yet that Brown isn’t even on my list.

            “Hey,” I remember that I want to ask her something, “When are you thinking about going on your college tour?”

            “My what?” She’s fiddling with her white crop-top that has a loose thread.

            “Your college tour? For… college?” She is on a completely different planet.

            “Oh,” she shakes her head slightly, “I have no idea.”

            “I was just asking because it might be fun if we went to the schools together,” I suggest.

            “I only really want to apply to Brown,” she says half-heartedly, but I know better.

            “Alli, you should apply to at least three schools,” I try to reason with her, “And Brown might be a reach school.”

            Her head snaps up from her shirt, “What is that supposed to mean?”

            I sigh, “It means you’re not even close to getting your math homework done and it’s only the second week of school. Do you really think you have the drive to survive at an Ivy?”

            “Whatever, I’ll be fine,” she’s obviously done with this conversation, so I am, too.

            After about ten minutes of peace, Alli brings back her favorite topic, “Oh my God, Caroline,” I reluctantly look over my shoulder, “His o-face is so sexy. It’s like�"” and she takes this moment to mimic what I’m guessing is the face Adam makes when he… finishes, but sort of looks like a person having a seizure.  I try my hardest not to crack-up, but I can’t help it.  I laugh and laugh, and almost fall backwards in my chair.  How can a person contort their face like that?

            “What’s so funny?” Alli demands, obviously not amused by my amusement.

            I calm down enough to say, “Your face! No person should look like that under any circumstances.”  My cheeks hurt from laughing so hard, and I wipe tears from the corners of my eyes.

            Once I calm down enough, I start punching numbers into my calculator again, and Alli simply asks, “Oh, are you done?”

            I nod.

            “Good! So anyway…”

            And then she’s off again talking in yet more detail about her most recent hook-up with him.  When do they have time to do their homework?  They’re starting to reach bunny status.  I wonder if they can count this as exercise on medical forms. No, I don’t go running, but boy do I have a ton of sex.

            I can’t say all this sex-talk is entirely un-educational.  I am learning there are over ten different words for both vagina and penis, and I’m also learning that the human body can contort to almost any shape to have sex.  It’s like positions that would normally hurt suddenly become comfortable if one is being penetrated.  For example, I can’t imagine getting my heels behind my head is terribly relaxing, but according to Alli it’s not so bad when sex is involved.  However, I’m also trying to ace all of my classes, including math, so I’d rather be educated in that way.

            “Hey, Alli?” I ask, “If you’re not going to study, maybe I should just go to the library.”

            “Why would you do that?” She looks genuinely wounded.

            “You don’t seem at all interested in doing the homework due tomorrow, so…”

 She looks at me for a moment, then goes on like I didn’t say anything, “Hey, listen, I found this porn I really think you’ll like.”

            I shoot her a look, so confused as to why she was saying this all of a sudden.

            She can tell I’m lost. “I mean, I’m not going to have sex in front of you so you can understand what I’m talking about,” she clarifies, “But I found this amateur porn that I think might be up your alley.”

            “What does that even mean?” I ask, feeling my cheeks burn. I’m not much of a porn-watcher. At least, not as far as Alli knows, “Plus, that still has nothing to do with school.”

            She ignores my second statement, “It means you’re really inexperienced, and I want to help you understand,” she says in this sickly sweet voice that puts me on edge.  Lately that voice meant I was about to be in for something I wouldn’t find as amusing as she would.

            “You honestly think porn is a valid and trustworthy presentation of real sex?” I ask, smirking at her and not moving from my seat, “Plus, I don’t need a play-by-play. I’m pretty sure I get the logistics.”

            “But there’s so much more than just the logistics,” Alli counters, and waves me over to her laptop.

            I groan in defeat and spin my chair around so I’m facing her on her bed.  She has her laptop on her thighs.  She’s wearing a thin cotton miniskirt, and I’m wondering how the laptop isn’t burning up her legs. Also, it’s hard to imagine she has any clean clothes left, seeing as her dirty laundry seems to be practically eating her room. She used to keep it so clean and neat.

            “Hold on, it’s still buffering,” Alli says once I spin around and she turns her laptop to face me.  I recognize the site she’s using, but I don’t say anything. 

            “Where’s the title?” I ask, not seeing anything to clue me in as to what exactly I’m about to watch.

            “It’s untitled,” she shrugs, “Oh! Here we go.” She presses play. 

            At first, I’m a bit perplexed.  It starts off with two girls taking off each other’s clothes and kissing, but there are no men around.  As the video continues, it gets more graphic, and it becomes increasingly obvious this particular video doesn’t have any men in it.  My heart speeds up, and my skin is hot. I can feel Alli looking at me and smiling that evil little smile.  I reach out and slam the laptop close and stand up.

            “What the hell was that, Alli?” I’m seething.  I can’t even breathe right.  None of this is making any sense. How does she know?

            “What?” she asks innocently, her eyes wide filled with lying confusion, “Isn’t that the kind of porn you like? Isn’t that the kind of sex you want to have?”

            I haven’t told anyone. I haven’t told a single soul about this. No one knows. How can she possibly know? I didn’t tell her, and I didn’t tell anyone else who could have told her.  I was figuring this entire thing out on my own.

            “There’s no denying it, Caroline,” her voice is dripping with slimy satisfaction, “You know, you should really start remembering to clear your browser history after getting off. You never know who could�"” here she pauses for effect, “�"come across it.”  She winks at me, and it takes all of my self-control not to leap forward and strangle her. 

            I’m shaking.  My entire body is trembling, and all I can do is look at her.  I’m afraid of opening my mouth, because I know I’ll only end up crying and cursing at her.  That won’t do me any good.  I’m trapped.  I’m trapped in one of Alli’s insane sociopathic games that she has very recently discovered an affinity for. A year or two ago, Alli would have supported me.  She would have sat down and held my hand and told me that she loves me no matter what.  She wouldn’t play games and torment me just because she could.  No sane person does that.

            “Plus,” she adds when I don’t say anything, “I see the way you look at me. I know all you want is to touch me, right?”

            “No.” It’s all I manage to get out.

            “No?” she asks, as she stands up, “Am I not your type? Would it be better if my b***s were bigger or smaller? What about my a*s?”  As she says this, she touches her breasts and turns around and bends down to show off her a*s.  I look up and away.  Anywhere but at Alli. 

            “Why?” I choke out, tears beginning to form in the corners of my eyes.

            “Why what?” she whispers as she moves closer and closer to me. I don’t move.

            “Why are you doing this to me?”

            At this point, she’s so close to me she can whisper, “Because I’m your best friend, Caroline, and I love you.”

            Then her lips are on mine, slow but not hesitant.  I don’t stop her. I know I should, but I can’t. My brain isn’t functioning the way I need it to. She places her hands on my waist and guides me towards the bed, without breaking the kiss.  I hate myself.  Why can’t I just break away? Why can’t I just run downstairs and away from this crazy person who has body-snatched my best friend?

            Because I like kissing her. That’s why. Because I love the feeling of her hands on my hips, squeezing and massaging, as her lips aggressively move against mine.  Because she’s beautiful and I’m powerless.

            She pushes me down onto the bed, and breaks away from my lips for a moment.  My head is so fuzzy.  All I want is for her to be on top of me.  She removes her shirt, and is now just in her bra.  I’ve seen that bra before.  It’s that bright blue bra she got in a size too small so it would look like they’re bigger. I always used to make fun of her for it, but now making fun of her is the last thing on my mind. I gasp, and she giggles.  In a second she’s back on top of me, kissing and writhing against me.  I move with her as she takes my hand and places it on her left breast.  I’ve never touched anyone other than myself, so I’m not sure what to do.  I squeeze lightly, mesmerized by the feeling of another girl’s chest.  She feels so different than me. 

            “Harder,” she begs into my ear, and I’m overcome with lust. I flip over so that she’s beneath me, kissing from her mouth to her neck to her chest, never letting my lips leave her sweet-smelling skin.  Her bra has a front-clasp, and I undo it, looking at her breasts for the first time in this way.  I’ve seen her change a million times, but I’ve never looked at her like this.  I’ve never wanted to put my mouth and tongue to every centimeter of skin her bra covered.

            “What a good dyke,” she says, as she grabs the back of my head. Dyke. That word snaps me out of it. All the lusty haze that was covering up my rational brain disappears and I jump off the bed as if it were on fire.  All of this is wrong.  I shouldn’t have let her confuse me.  I should’ve been more aggressive in making her stop.  Why didn’t I listen to myself? I’d never been so lost in desire in my life.  It’s like I wasn’t able to think anymore, and even though I knew Alli was just manipulating me, hurting me… I couldn’t stop myself.

            “What’s the matter, my little lesbo?” Alli asks in that horrendous syrupy voice. She sits and re-clasps her bra, looking at me expectantly.

            “What the f**k is the matter with you?” I’m barely able to speak. I’m so enraged.

            “What’s the matter with me?” she repeats, “What’s the matter with you? You just tried to have sex with a straight girl. Are the pickens really that slim for teenage lesbians?”

            “You are an absolute b***h, Alli,” I say as I walk towards the door, “I hope Adam realizes it sooner rather than later so he can dump your crazy a*s and find a girl who is actually somewhat decent and doesn’t try to manipulate and destroy the only people who give a s**t about her.”  My hand is on the doorknob as I look at her for one more second.  Her hair is a mess, and her skin is flushed.  She’s glaring at me, though her lips are curved into that signature smirk.  My words do nothing to her.  She has no idea what she’s just done to me.

            “I don’t know for sure if I’m a lesbian,” I add, “But if I am, I know I would never want a girl like you.” I open her bedroom door, and leave her sitting there on her bed, proud of herself.

            And over the next few hours when she calls my phone over and over again, I don’t pick up.