Hesitating

Greg and Alice are a great couple, as long as they don't bring up the "L" word.

         I’ve never understood Alice’s obsession with this hammock. It’s uncomfortably small, so I always feel like I’m about to fall out and flip it over.  I think she likes how close it forces us to be, which is good, I guess.  I like having my arms around her. Her skin is really soft and her hair always smells good. But I still feel like we’re too big to be trying to cuddle in this hammock that was obviously built for one.  I never say anything, though. She likes being there too much for me to say anything.

            I look down at her blonde head against my chest, and I smile. She’s so pretty. She’s so easy to be with. I begin to stroke her hair and kiss her on the top of her head.

            She nuzzles into me and sighs, “I love you.”

            I hesitate only a second before saying, “I love you, too.” But even before I finish saying it, I know I waited too long.  Alice pulls away a little bit and tenses. S**t.

            “Are you okay, baby?” She asks me as she looks up with her big, brown eyes.

            I flash what I hope is a comforting, loving smile. “Yeah, of course, babe. Why do you ask?” I stop stroking her hair long enough to pull her back to my chest, hoping she’ll just want to kiss for a while.

            “You just…” she trails off as if she isn’t going to continue, and I’m relieved. I start to relax again and lean down to kiss her when she says, “You hesitated.”

            I stop just short of her lips and lean back again, sighing faintly. “No, I didn’t.”

            “Yes you did,” her pitch rising just slightly, which I know means she’s getting herself worked up. “And this isn’t the first time. I hear you hesitate on the phone when we say goodnight, and when you drop me off after school.” She moves to sit up and get out of the hammock, but I keep my arm around her.

            “Alice, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to hesitate. I don’t even notice when I do it,” I lie, just wanting her to stay in this stupid hammock with me.

            She lets me continue holding her, but it’s at an awkward angle, because her back is to me while I’m on my back. When I try to guide her back onto her other side with my arm, she refuses to move. I’m not going to get out of this easily.

            “Alice, come on. I’m sorry.” I know there’s tension in my voice, which isn’t going to make things any better. She’s only going to get more frustrated.

            “Do you love me?” She asks me in a small, quiet voice.

            “Yes.” I hesitated.

            “No you don’t!” She begins to cry and gets herself out of the hammock, which causes it to flip and I end up on my a*s.

            “S**t,” I groan. I’m going to have a bruised a*s tomorrow.

            “You didn’t have to say it, you know!” Alice has walked over to my side and is full-on crying. The skin around her eyes is puffy and red, and her make-up is beginning to smear. She’s not hostile, and not yelling. She never yells.

            “Why wouldn’t I say it when it’s true?” The truth is I’m pretty sure I do love her. I’m just not as positive as she seems to be, and that scares me.

            “Because it isn’t,” she sits down across from me cross-legged, some of her hair matted to her cheeks. She’s run out of steam.  Now she just seems sad.

            “You’re beautiful,” is all I can think to say, because at least I know that’s true. Even when Alice is crying and wearing her mom’s jeans that are a little too big and has black make-up all over her face, she’s so pretty.

            “Thank you,” she kind of smiles, but I know it’s not what she wants me to say.

            I lean across and kiss her, and she doesn’t stop me. I don’t know what else to do, so I keep kissing her.  We’ve kissed before, but it’s never been like this. It’s never seemed like Alice has ever enjoyed kissing as much as I have, so we usually only kiss for a few minutes before stopping and doing something else.  This time she climbs on top of me and pins me to the cold ground, and I forget about the pain from falling out of the hammock.  She kisses me and kisses me until I start to feel her fresh tears on my face. I push her away for a second and hold her face in my hands.

            “Why are you"” I start, but she puts a finger to my mouth to hush me.

            “Just kiss me.”

Author's Note

This is the second scene involving Greg. This series of scenes is an assignment for my senior project.

Reviews

[knapp darko]

I enjoyed this and look forward to reading more of your work, kept me interested from start to finish and I will read more.