am no more

kind of taking a risk on posting this, but i just can't shake the feeling that i need to put this out there...

no, i wasn't 

i am no more

no i can't

i know for sure

here i stand

amidst darkness grand

upon truths shore

should i tell her

should i say

the black i fell into

this darkest day

i thought i knew for sure

what i was meant to do 

in forever land

decisions shore with no clue

here i wait for help from you

should i tell her

her baby girl is gone

if i was ever such in her eyes

how could this pain occur

in such a way

a mother never see through the lies

should i tell her of all my cries

should i tell her all the pain i know

should i let her see?

this hurt inside of me

should i say 

that on that judgement day

she killed a part of me

she tore out another piece

now all i say is lies

not one sees through this disguise

should i tell her

that she has killed me

Reviews

[NaugleB]

This is a very powerful write. I connected with the words right away and I can 100% relate and feel what you have said with this. I love it.

[marie]

thank you so much for the review:)

[CecilA]

Marie,

Your writing is so good that I actually feel your pain. Great job. You have a unique gift; keep up the good work.

Suggestion: now that you've written the pain out and have taken a breath, I would recommend that you do a rewrite while reading your poem aloud. Not that it needs a lot of work or corrrection; it just needs a little TLC with grammar and punctuation to be a great piece.

As to your personal situation I believe you have done a good job of getting the hurt expressed; which is a start. You have identified the need and know what needs to be done on your part. Honesty is the best way to start. Keeping the situation from becoming volatile may be the most difficult part.

In my 67 years of experience, there isn't an easy way to solve this type of problem. However, it never gets better by sweeping it under the carpet either. So take the mature route and be submissive. Most of the time I apologize first and then procede to state my case in a calm and unchallenging manner. Sometimes I've lost or so I thought. But usually most comfrontations eventually resolved themselves over time.

Another thing I've tried is to consider what starts the problem. Try to determine what it is that you may have done that irritates your mother. I know you stated some but have you ever played back times before when a similiar situation arose and what may have been said or done to cause it. Perhaps it isn't something you've done; maybe it's just circumstances at work or problems with other people that have caused her to be so radical. Or is she not well? I think you need to play detective and search for clues which you may have overlooked. Perhaps you will uncover a cause which can be easliy be resolved without confrontation.

I'm fortunate to have a mother who is a healthy 86 years old. We get alone well; most of the time. But she still sees me as her little boy and it still pisses me off. But we communicate well now. However that wasn't always the case. It was especially bad when I was a teen. But mom worked and my parents had issues between themselves plus my mother was anemic and that was the underlying cause of most of her problems. She was just always tired out. There were 4 kids and dad didn't always have work so the lack of adequate income was a factor too.

Hey, you get my point. I believe you can work this out and life is worth all the heartaches, pain and misery. The light at the end of the tunnel can be joy, peace and love. And I have experenced all of it.

Thanks for sharing this poem with us. I appreciate you honesty and sincerity and the guts to put it on this site for us to share.

It's a pleasure to know you.

Sincerely,

Cecil

[marie]

Wow I think that's the longest review I've ever gotten:) I will try your idea on playing detective hopefully it will help thanks for the review and advice:)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

generation gap--this does happen..so often, they just don't understand and forget once they were young...

jacob

[marie]

yeah.... i don't know what to do exactly i tried talking to her, but well, now she's screaming about me being disrespectful her word is law blah blah blah ect. ect .ect

[Dolfury Nixie Ritter]

Hmmm...that's a tough decision...usually when I'm honest with my mom, she understands, but there's those stupid times she doesn't. I don't know your mom very well, honestly, so I'm scared to add my input. On one hand, it's always good to be honest, but on the other, it can make things worse, so it's a huge gamble.

[marie]

exactly!!! she is really just being difficult!!

[Dolfury Nixie Ritter]

That's a good way to look at it, because it simplifies it. Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill, just look at it for what it is. She's being difficult, and stubborn, like a child. That makes it easier to deal with.

[marie]

hmmm don't know about her being childish, i can see that she thinks i'm lingering on the more shadowy side of humanity, but i also know that i use poetry and writing as an outlet for the darker emotions of life

[Dolfury Nixie Ritter]

I would try to put it that way to her. Say that everyone has their own ways of venting, and every form of venting is scary in a way. My sister beats the crap out of her punching bag. It's violent. You write about dark poetry and stuff. That can be scary and violent. All forms of venting are violent, explain that to her. Tell her you're not going emo or Satanic, you're just venting in the best way you know how. That's how I'd tell it to my mom, and she more than likely would listen, but this is YOUR mom, so...I'm not so sure. It depends on how open her mind is about stuff and how realistic she is.

[marie]

the thing is she thinks i'm lingering on what i write!!! and i just don't know how to say that i'm not and make her believe it!!

[Dolfury Nixie Ritter]

Tell her she ought to know you better than that. What are you 98% of the time? In truth? Hyperactivity, bubbly, eager, confident, friendly, all that stuff. IT'S JUST VENTING. If you were lingering on it, you'd be a dark, depressing, emo, hateful, spiteful little brat.

[marie]

i'm only hyperactive and confident at school... at home i tend to lock away into my room ya know trying to avoid all the screaming in my house.....

[Dolfury Nixie Ritter]

Well, tell her that. Tell her the screaming bothers you, and you naturally don't like conflict, so you hide away and vent by writing poetry. BUT...YOU DO NOT DWELL ON IT. If she doesn't believe you, tell her about how you are OUTSIDE the house as proof. At the parade that year you and James sat with us, you were bouncing all around the inside of that truck bed WITH YOUR MOM standing right there. I'm starting to think you should try to tell her, but remember...it's a gamble, so play carefully.

[marie]

yeah thats why i haven't said anything to her..... i wish she would just wake up and see that the more i don't write the more depressed i am, and the more i hide it the more it hurts..... i don't like lying to her its just she doesn't seem to know me anymore, and i really don't think she cares. so long as the shadows are out of sight then she doesn't have to do anything about it and claim that the whole time she didn't have a clue

[Dolfury Nixie Ritter]

I went through the same thing with my mom when I was your age, and my sister is going through the same crap. It sucks, I'll be honest. I hate to sound like an adult myself, but it's a phase. I was a coward, and let my mom get away with it. Don't be disrespectful, but be honest, open, and direct. Tell her it hurts not to write, and that's how you vent and get out the bad emotions in you. Tell her that she's unintentionally hurting you, and you swear you won't and don't dwell on that stuff or live on it. Tell her by NOT writing, you ARE dwelling on it.

[marie]

thanks..... i'll try it, hopefully it will work....

[Dolfury Nixie Ritter]

Pray about it. I don't want to sound like a Bible thumper, but do pray about it. Ask God for the right choice of words, and patience and an open heart. It's not just about your mom having an open mind about you, it's about you having an open mind about her too. My mom YELLED at me for WEEKS about coming home late from my job, and I thought she was just being a jerk because I couldn't help if I had to work over and couldn't answer the phone. Turns out, she was worried SICK and was afraid I was dead, or kidnapped because of the neighborhood I work in. It goes both ways. :)

[marie]

yeah i know and i will pray about it i just really hope that i had some assurance that it will work...

[Dolfury Nixie Ritter]

Even after you pray about it, there's no gauruntee you're gonna feel just GREAT and confident it'll work. I've had PLENTY of signs from God that He won't let me fall, and to this DAY when I ask him for something I don't feel sure. Just don't totally give up on Him, and try to keep some assurance about yourself. What mood was your mom in this morning?

[marie]

tired... which means grumpy...which means more screaming and cursing and hiding in my room and getting on trouble for that, and working my butt off when i get called out while being screamed at about how selfish and lazy and god knows what other things she will scream at me today

[Dolfury Nixie Ritter]

Is she EVER in a good mood?

[marie]

when mr ken is gone... and she's being catered to hand and foot(oh your finger is sore here let me call an ambulance, oh no don't worry i'll pay the bill)

[marie]

thats an extreme exaggeration, but you get the idea..

[Dolfury Nixie Ritter]

Ah...well...looks like you'll have to give more than your share. When you get home, work on being nice and not hiding from her. I had to MAKE MYSELF be around my mom more, and sure enough, she stopped yelling at me. Amber stays in her room and refuses to come out, and that is one thing that causes her to be yelled at. Try helping around with her, joking with her, asking about her day, etc.

[marie]

thanks i will.... let the buttering up commence!!!

[Dolfury Nixie Ritter]

XD