a cease

i'm sorry this will be y last piece for a while until i can convince my mother that my work is not of the devil.

it seems the future is now a scary place

a void lacking of what once was fervent grace

a part of me torn out and forbidden

by one who claims to be my kin

these words i write now seem to taunt me

for now i know that i cannot be free 

for she has taken my peace from me

by issuing this deadly decree

i apologize that you found my work

and in the shadows it tends to lurk

but know that know i have no release

and this part of me cannot be hidden in a crease

it will not be forever, you will not win

for i cannot stop when i begin

for now i am silenced here

and now i have cause to do naught but fear

why do you not see?

that these words are the only things keeping my sanity

so when i fall down so insane

perhaps you will not think these words so evil and inane

Reviews

[jacob erin-cilberto]

see where you can trim unnecessary words...

i don't rewrite others' poems...but that may be one thing to work on...tighten your phrasing a bit...

and with time that will come also...

you will get more metaphorical and less attached to the words...more objective...you can take subjective/ personal ideas and play with them more.

[marie]

cool thanks for the advice:)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i am just flabbergasted that she would think that...but then i did not get encouragement from my folks when i first wrote poetry.

but this is really good writing...not forced at all...the rhyme is smooth and the words click together...

yes, you are young, but your poetry has a very mature ring to it.

jacob

[marie]

thanks:) but i still think i can do better... any ideas?

[Starfruitanimal]

great use of words, your young and your writing is amazing. nice job.

[marie]

i see me being young as when you are young you have more emotion due the fact hormones are raging and thus making everything ten times more influential, so in a way its an advantage thanks for the review hope you enjoy the rest of my work

[Dolfury Nixie Ritter]

Trust me, I went through this exact thing in my life with my grandparents when I was even younger than you. I know it sucks; it's hard to convince adults of things like this. Just give it time, keep telling her that you mean no harm, you just prefer darker literature and you're a fan of Edgar Allen Poe or something, and you aren't writing to worship the devil. I think she should know you a little better than that anyway...but like Ethale said, write in a binder and we'll keep an eye on it for you. I go home sooner than Ethale does, so I can take it home and keep it with me if you like.

About the poem, I think you very effectively captivated the message you were trying to get across. It's clear, it sticks to one emotion, doesn't bounce all over the place, and it sounds more like "I'm putting this out there just saying" than "I'm gonna kill myself because you won't let me write".

[marie]

thanks memory.... i'll get the pieces to whoever i get to first, i gave ethale some today.... you guys are free to read any of it, and maybe if i have both of your advice i can convince my mom to let me write freely again

[Dolfury Nixie Ritter]

I will try my best to help you, because I know how it feels to be suppressed and denied something that keeps you sane. Trust me. I've been there, done that, gone through that song and dance. Get with me sometime and I'll give you all the advice I know. It may not work like it did for me, because my grandmother/mom are different than your mom, and I don't know a lot about your mom. She seems like an understanding enough person (somewhat, from what I've seen anyway), so hopefully it'll work.

[marie]

Yeah.... Hopefully....

[Dolfury Nixie Ritter]

Hey, never give up hope. It's few and far between these days, but never give it up. It's one of the very few pure things we have left in this world nowadays.

[Ethale Captor]

You and I both.

[marie]

yeah, maybe one day i can write for now she's going through all my binders and checking my computer for poems and literature...

[Ethale Captor]

Write at school and keep the papers in a binder. At the end of each day, allow me to keep the binder for you.

[marie]

Really?! Thanks:)

[Ethale Captor]

Not a problem.

[Con O'Clast]

Wow, very beautiful, touchingly honest poem.

I do have a few points for you to consider, I think there are a couple of times where if you really want to dissect the piece, you could take away filler words and be left with an even stronger effect. A few examples, if you took out 'of' in the second line, 'a' in the third, 'for' in the second stanza third line, 'so' in the last line and a few others. Its a fairly general criticism but I do think the more you strip back the more can be revealed.

I really liked that the poem isn't punctuated, it certainly gives it a visceral, organic vibe.

Of course this is a very personal poem, so nitpicky criticism isn't really terribly useful. A personal response is probably of more value. With that in mind I'd like to say congratulations on your bravery and determination. My family was never (and still isn't!) supportive of my life and decisions but it does get better. I leave you with the blunt wisdom of Winston Churchill:

'If you're going through hell, keep going.'

[marie]

thank you for the advice and support:) i hope i can talk some sense into my mother soon