joanne

I look into the mirror at my face thinking of how at times it appears the most beautiful thing on earth and other it appears the most grotesque thing ever seen. I raise the clothe to my face and gently wipe away the mascara that had pooled there from my shower. I have always refused to wash my face in the bath, insisting i must have a mirror to cleanse anything to do with my face. The lightning in my bathroom is meant to mimic the sunrise but paired with the tiles it does nothing of the sort. instead of giving the room a warm safe feel it reminds me more of a hospital. i sigh and turn around to walk out of my bathroom, my dog is watching me begging me with his eyes to release him from the kennel. I ignore him and turn to the right now facing which holds another vanity mirror. i try to turn away from it knowing exactly what i will find, pudgy cheeks sunken eyes and wild hair sopping wet its dark black tones clinging to my face. i drop my towel and pull out my sleeping clothes donning them with haste so i will not be forced to look upon my hideous self.  i cast my eyes around the dark room, mother never understands how i see in what is pitch black to others. most peoples eyesight only catch half of what mine do mainly because they ruin it with the artificial stuff, that some newton or whatever made, so they are mostly blind to the world now. I shake off my thoughts trying to clear my mind off such useless thoughts that only seem to give me headaches,and climb into bed momentarily imagining someone reaching out from under my bed and grabbing my ankle just as i climb in. laughing i shake my head saying to myself,

                      "nonsense i would have heard them breathing."

i continue to chuckle myself into a deep dreamless slumber free of the worries of the day.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Get up.". Joanne's mother called from the door anger seeping from her eyes like an overflowing cup. Slowly she rolled out of bed forcing herself not to look at the blood on her bedsheets. 

"I said get up!!",

a dangerous hint came into her mothers voice and she scrambled to her feet, rushing to the door where her mother waited.she stood with her eyes upon the floor awaiting whatever had angered her mother to come rushing out upon her. 

"you..... didn't i tell you to do the laundry last night?!",

Joanne clenched her teeth forcing herself not to lash out at her with the knife that was tucked into her pants within easy reach, it was one of several weapons she had concealed throughout her room and in her clothes. 

"i did do it.",

she replied, it was simple and to the point saving herself the emotional attachment which would only weigh her down. 

"don't you lie to me!"

her mother screamed at her landing a blow upon her already blackened face. Joanne crumpled to the floor an attempt to cease the inevitable beating. her mother kicked her in the gut and drug her up by the ear. 

"who told you to move?!"

Joanne gritted her teeth 

"no more..."

rang out through her head. she lifted her head and stared into her mothers eyes defiance dripping from her every movement and gaze. 

"you little......"

her mother lifted her hand and brought it down upon her neck. 

"stop"

shock played across her face as she looking into Joannes eyes but it was quickly swept away by amusement,

"who are you to tell me that?"

Joanne lowered her head and reached behind her back the hilt of her knife brushing her fingers. she grasped it with all her strength and slowly withdrew it from it hiding place. 

"i said stop."

laughter rang out from her mothers mouth unbelief shadowed across her face. she leaned down and left her nose inches from her face,

"and how exactly would you make me?"

Joanne clenched her jaw and plunged the knife into her mothers stomach.

"like that"

she looked down upon the fresh corpse and laughter exploded from within her. she was free no more pain no more hurt the she would be safe, safe from the torture she had endured her entire life. joanne stared at her mother as she lay there newly ridded of her soul and she smiled she took one step and lay down beside her, the blood soaking up into her clothes still warm against her skin, and peered into the dead still eyes of her mother and said as tears spilled down her face,

 "why did't you love me, i was perfect the best daughter anyone could want then you hit me the first time and i didn't really blame you cause you were drunk then again i forgave you cause you were mad for ten years i put up with it and forgave and forgave bur you made a monster in those ten years ........but you will love me now."

she wrapped her arms around her mothers still body and breathed in the smell of a fresh kill, of comfort. she slept without fear for the first time since she was  a little girl and silently loved the feel.

" this"

she thought

”is perfect”

Joanne woke to the smell of death and it thrilled her innermost being she looked into the empty milky eyes of her mother and a pain shot through her chest accompanied by a happiness that swelled up inside her like a sweet embrace. her snow white nightgown was now stained with the blood of her mother and it drove her mind into a single question'

"what now?"

the door opened behind her and the air changed inside the room, now filled with fear and relish of the coming moments. she was an only child and her father walked out on them years ago so it was no family of hers. Joanne turned over drawing the knife from her mothers belly and stood  now facing the intruder. he was a boy about her age someone she once knew but the animal within her pushed aside the memory.

"jo.....what...what happened?"

it wasn't an accusation not threatening not dangerous her mind screamed at her saying it was a trap a trick and he would hurt her.

"jo.. its me calm down put the knife down i'm not going to hurt you please put the knife down."

she had forgotten she held the knife 

"good now he knows he cannot hurt me he sees what happened to her"

she thought and answered 

"you.....who are you?........"

the silence hung in the air like a poison dripping from every inch of her.the boy breathed and sweat built up on his brow, she watched it as it slid down his face.

"don't you remember I'm your friend ,jo, i'm luke.....i'm not going to hurt you i know what she did you told me remember i'm going to help you"

"liar you can't help me no one can even if you are who you say you are ..."

she would take no chances with this boy, luke, people lie that was one of the few useful things her mother had taught her. he took a step forward and she lifted the knife to his throat mere inches from his skin and he stopped dead cold in his tracks.they stood this way for a pause in time neither moving neither backing down. till at last he smiled and grasped her wrist that held the knife and easily took the knife away from her. 

he looked at her still smiling not out of hate or torture as her mother had so often done but out of something else an emotion she had not seen in a long long time. 

"i'm not leaving you,remember?"

the memory that took over her swept though her entire being like a bomb it was so long ago she could barely remember it but it was there shining like the sun. it was eight years ago she was eleven then and she had just met him he was small for his age, but projected a silent aura that made all respect him. she told him that day what her mother did merely because she needed to tell someone who would bear the secret with her. later they would join the same school and he stood by her until her mother forced her to take the ged and get out of school so she would be hers alone his last words were i will never leave you. that was the last of him she saw until today she looked at him like a wide eyed deer caught in someones headlights.

"i....i.... i i'm sorry i couldn't take it any more i just couldn't"

she ran into his arms as her sobs overtook her. he looked down on her as she cried within his grasp. he held her with all his might and stroked her hair quietly reassuring her, whispering in her ear that everything would be all right. her cries became intermingled with short bursts of insane laughter she clung to him as if for her own life and laughed with tears streaming down her face. he grasped her shoulders and pulled her far enough away from him so he could look into her eyes. 

"we can't stay here"

he said instantly silencing her mad outburst

"wh...we?"

he nodded his head sadly as he replied

"yes we i'm not leaving you just like i said i will take care of you ok?"

she fell against his muscled chest and gripped him like she would a life line. 

"do you know where the money is? we can't go without it."

she nodded her head and lead him in a daze to her mothers room where she shifted through the drawers until her hand came across a thick stash of money.

he led her into the kitchen and gently wiped the blood of her face avoiding the bruises that painted her porcelain skin.

"go change we have to get as far away as we can before anyone finds her"Joanne looked around her room her gaze falling on her little dog still in his kennel.

"you....you can't come its not safe for you....." 

she opened the door to his cage and slid her hand under his pillow and withdrew a knife as she listened to him wag his tail happily against the bars of his kennel.

"i....i'm sorry"

she said tears running down her face the door opened behind her sending chills up her spine pushing her into a state of mind she had known all to well all her life.

"mom no please no don't please."

a hand gently lay upon her shoulder tensing her muscles all throughout her back. 

"its ok she's gone remember?"

"no no no no no no no stop it please mommy please stop"

"jo....its ok i know what happened remember?"

"you don't know any thing"

"don't hide from me jo" 

"stop it you lied to me please just stop mom please i....i can't anymore."

"i know thats why i'm here i'm going to protect you ok?"

she pulled away from his touch and turned around now in full control of herself

"no one can protect me"

she pushed the dagger into her dogs heart with the final word.

luke rushed after her a fear spreading through his gut like a wildfire.

“jo..... let me help you....”

she paused and looked at him the sanity behind her eyes dead to the world.

“why do you care?”

she asked making him pause for a moment startled that she asked,

“because, no one should have to go through what you have.” 

he replied looking into her eyes with tender love seeping out from his very soul. she peered at him through eyes that could only see the possible hurts he would cause.

“well, i have and there is nothing you can do to rewrite the past”

she replied. his brow furrowed with the pain her comment had caused him, as if the whole weight of the world had just been dropped upon his shoulders. 

“joanne, im sorry i came as soon as i could. at least help me change your future.”

none of what he said broke through into her riddled mind, other than her name. 

“you used my whole name...”

her mind swam not knowing what to do, he had always called her jo. was he now withdrawing from her? she looked up and gazed upon him. his blonde hair gently falling against his forehead, like a blanket.

he peered at her humor playing across his features, as he stood and said,

“we have to go soon you best get changed, i have a mess to clean up.”

she gawked at him, and watched as he walk out the room. he paused at the door and said to her,

“it’ll be ok you know? i’ll take care of everything.”

luke smiled at her and closed the door. joanne stared down at her dog. his still form screaming at her, asking why? why did you do it? a single tear slid down her cheek as her eyes absorbed the pool of blood that puddled around him. 

“‘i’m sorry boy...”

she whispered at his lifeless corpse. she stood up slowly and grabbed a pair of cargo pants and a black t-shirt.

joanne shoved random clothes into a knapsack,hurriedly trying desperately not to make to much noise, as not to rouse suspicion. she opened her closet and dug deep into a storage bin her fingers searching out for the reserves of canned food she had placed there for the times her mother refused to feed her. she took ten of the cans out and added them to the bag. she returned to her bed and shoved her arm deep under the mattress her fingers grasping the edge of a knife. carefully, she pulled it out and slid it into her pants pocket. 

a smile spread across her lips as an exited giggle emerged from the depths of her soul.

“you cant catch me mother........”

she inched her way over to the window on the far side of her room, eased it open the window,and gently jumped out. she paused for a moment considering her next actions,” run, he will turn on you you can’t trust him.” her mind screamed at her, her mothers voice rang in her ears like an echo telling her that she would find her. in the corner of Joannes eye she saw a blind move. a panic moved through her 

“no stay away from me mom don’t hurt me please!!! please mommy, no!!!!” the front door to her house opened, joanne ran away screaming trying to get away

“no mommy please!!!”

strong arms wrapped around her waist. she began to thrash around trying desperately to get away.

luke held on whispering in her ear,

“i’m not your mom jo its ok she can’t hurt you anymore”

none of this reached her, so lost in her corrupted mind. a woman who walked out of her neighbors home and gave a startled cry as she watched joanne draw the knife from her pant pocket. luke saw the woman just as she uttered her warning to him, and moved barely in time, the knife cutting into his gut, enough to send him to his knees but, not enough to kill him.

the woman called out to someone inside the house, and a young man soon followed her outside. luke staggerd to the ground clutching his side. 

“jo calm down its ok.... she can’t.....she can’t......calm down...”

he passed out upon the ground a pool of blood forming around him. 

the man ran out towards jo hitting her over the head, knocking her out before she could draw the knife on him.

joanne awoke tied to a hospital bed two police men stood by the door whispering, not noticing she had awoken.

“so what is this kids story”

according the the guy all he saw was the boy and her in a tussle she pulled a knife and well now he’s in the room across the hall. they found a womans body inside the house  killed by a stab wound to the gut. they also found a dead dog..... if you want my opinion this is going to be alot of paperwork and a sad story in the newspaper, but really we dont know anything till one of the kids wake up.”

the second guard let his gaze fall over joanne.

“so why do you think she hurt him?”

“ he might’ve tried to rape her, he might of killed the woman and she saw to much.”

“ the doc says she has really old wounds a broken arm that was never set. you can see its crooked from here, she also covered in bruises, and malnourished” i don’t know but social services says she was abused.”

they stood in silence, passively glancing at joanne. she let out a groan and they both tensed at the sound one of them rapped at the door, letting the people outside she was awake. a young woman walked in she was in a navy blue suit her hair was slicked back into a bun at the base of her neck. 

“well it seems you are in quite a pickle aren’t you?”

she asked, kindness in her tone. joanne stared at her trying to discern whether to trust her or not, she landed on not. 

“my name is lilly, what is yours?”

she stared in reply refusing to give this lille person an answer.

“i can’t help you if you won’t talk to me...”

the woman said, her stance ringing with desperation. a thought seemed to cross her mind and she made a motion with her hand. 

“i’m not deaf.”

 joanne said bluntly and looked away.

lilly let out a sigh of relief, and studied joanne.

“can you tell me your name?”

joanne focused on counting the tiles in the ceiling.

“come on it wont hurt to tell me your name.”

joanne stared into the corner of the room avoiding the willful stare of lilly. 

“joanne.”

lilly jolted up as if she was surprised. she righted herself in the seat across the room from joanne.

“excuse me?”

 she asked.

“ my name, joanne.”

joanne flexed against the restrains on the bed, obviously uncomfortable. lilly looked up as if she was just now noticing them. she walked over and untied the straps confining her. joann rubbed her wrists trying to shake the feeling of confinement. she had known that feeling for as long as she could remember. 

“good, now we are getting somewhere, do you want to tell me what happened?”

she asked the seriousness in her eyes betraying her coldness. the look she gave joanne awoke a fear inside her, a fear her mother had carefully cultivated over the years.

“no.... please no..... mommy no....”

confusion spread across lilly’s features as she gazed down at joanne, who was now curling up into the smallest ball she could manage.

lilly leaned down and whispered

“i’m not your mommy dear, can you tell me what happened to her?”

she gently placed he hand on joannes back. a shock ran through joanna as she felt the touch of the woman she jerked the iv out of her arm and scrambled out of lillys reach behind a floor lamp in a corner. she grabed the length of the lamp and held it menacingly out toward the woman. 

“ don’t no....i killed you once i can do it again.”

“ok now sweety, joanne, just put the lamp down its going to be alright, just calm down it’ll be ok.”

 lilly creeped over to the bed and discretely pushed the emergency button. a couple moments later several doctors rushed into the room one of them filled a syringe with a sedative, the others hussled over to her and held her down as the nurse administered the drug to joanne. 

“ no!!! mommy please don’t hurt me please!!!! mom.....no..... plea.... please.....” she slumped against the doctor, passed out.

“hey.... come on,..... can you hear me..... come on buddy...”

luke barely opened his eyes fighting for consciousness.

“ there you are come on wake up....”

the man hovering above him was shining a bright light into his face. what luke could see of the mans face was full of worry. awareness washed over him as he realized where he was.

 he jolted up and cried out,

“JOANNE!!!!!”

“ho boy sit on back down you lost a good bit of blood.”

reluctantly luke leaned back down eyeing the man suspiciously as he did. 

“where is joanne?”

the man looked down nervously as he replied.

“she had a violent outbreak a couple days ago and after what she did to you we thought it best she get sent to a psychiatric facility, she’s getting the best of care there, at least until we figure out whats going on. we actually were hoping you could shed some light on this.”

luke looked down at his hands not sure whether he could trust the man, sensing his uneasiness, the man continued,

“here’s what we know so far: there is a dead woman in the house you two came out of, that girl, joanne stabbed you, which mean she  probably killed the woman too, am i close?”

luke stared at the man and nodded his reply as he answered,

“that womans name is helen, she had been abusing jo, as long as i knew her. we hadn’t seen each other in several years, but when i found her she was curled up against her mothers corpse....i, i never wanted her to get hurt....i love her...”

the man nodded as if he was trying to understand

“she.... gets.... scared, and goes into this......state she thinks its her mom trying to hurt her again so....she retaliates, she only trying to defend herself”

desperation rang out in his voice as he spoke, an began to sit up. 

“you can’t hurt her.....you can’t lock her away...”

“calm down, she’s getting the help she needs!!”

 the doctor said as he pushed luke down onto the bed. 

“you’ll get to see her soon” 

he said struggling to keep him on bed.luke stopped and gazed at the man seeing the lie in every inch of the doctors countenance. 

“no i won’t”

 he said as he cautiously lay back down on the bed.

joanne awoke from the drug induced sleep, in a white walled room. a small man was sitting on a chair in the corner, his glasses resting on the edge of his nose as he watched her. his dull brown hair was slicked back on his head. his beady eyes observed her like a bug on a microscope. he smiled at her in a way one might smile at a new toy, something to be used. 

“hello joanne, my name is dr. john smiley. i am here to help you work out your problems....”

he drew out the ‘s’ in the word reminding her of a snake, trying to lull its prey to sleep, so it could strike without a fight. 

“ now i would love to get to know you better how bout you tell me about yourself?”

she looked away and picked at a sting on her shirt.

“okay its all right if you don’t want to talk, that just means you have to listen. alright?”

he paused as if expecting an answer. she continued to pick at her shirt 

pretending not to hear him.he nodded at her as if he understood why she remained silent.

“here’s what i know, you have been abused since you where at least of the age four, most likely by your mother, you killed her, perhaps because she was going to far with something, and in a rage, killed your dog as well, you got a hold of that boy luke somehow and he was going to help you drop off the radar until you dropped off the radar, how am i so far?”

joanne picked more intently at her shirt, focusing on its details. it was not the same shirt she came here in, they had trashed her black one and shoved her in a white hospital gown, they now had her in a white jumpsuit. he stood up realizing he was getting nowhere with her saying,

“no one can help you if you won’t talk. it might help if you opened up some, huh?”

luke stared intentle at the man before him,

“i’m right aren’t i? you have locked her away, because she’s confused, she doesn’t fit your idea of normal, so you put her in one of your stupid facilitys. they don’t help any one you know? they killed my brother.”

the doctor appeared shocked as he watched luke turn and look out the window. 

“they will help her and you will see her again son, trust me on that will ya?”

joanne waited until the man was gone. she began to bite at the seam of the sleeve and cutting a thread with her teeth. she pulled at the string unti it pulled out further she continued until the enitire sleeve was off. she tied a slip knot and worked the loop around her head, onto her neck and tightened it, cutting off the air flow. her vision clouded as she faded in and out of reality.

i could feel the air around me flow, it was magical. the colors that danced before me were so joyous i wanted to join them. but i couldn’t not yet anyway. i was marred but soon i would be ok. my arms went numb, but it was ok, it would go away soon.... my vision went completely black but the colors remained, it was almost like when someone looks a bright light and then closes their eyes, the little blotch remains no matter how tight your eyes are closed. my chest was aching, but that was ok to, because i knew that it would leave just like the numbness would. i smiled as i whispered just before i was released from the hurt.

“you-can’t-catch-me-mother.........”

i looked back at myself, such a pathetic little form, so small and weak. i felt a tug at my gut and was drawn to another place, luke was there, it didn’t take me long to realize that i was in the hospital where they had drugged me.i leaned in and pressed my hand lovingly to his cheek and leaned down to kiss his forehead. 

“it’ll be ok, you’ll see me again.”

i said gently to his sleeping presence. he stirred lightly in his sleep,but 

remained asleep. i felt  the peaceful  tug again and allowed it to take me away to somewhere beautiful.

luke awoke from a wonderful dream, joanne had been there and she seemed so happy. the man walked into the room a grim look in his eyes as he nervously sat down on the edge of the bed. 

“luke i have some sad news for you.”

he gazed at him confusion in his eyes.

“that girl, joanne, well..she..she killed herself last night...i want you to know i’m here if you need to talk, i know you cared for her, and you are the only person we could find that knows her.”

his words seemed to have no effect on the boy, grief so cemented in his world. 

“no...NO... jo!!!! JO!!!”

SIXTY YEARS LATER

an old man coughs gently his daughter clutching his hand tears in her eyes. he smiles at her reassuringly, a peace in his eyes. he gives another cough as the heart moniter begins to beep. the girl becomes paniced as she runs out of the room in search of help. he smiles again the pain in his chest subsiding as he calls out in an age worn voice, 

“i’m coming joanne”