i almost made a list

saturday. jan 16th.

alton talked about sardines. i forget what he called it--brisling? he made some Jaws joke, it was funny.

--and i have been contemplating it. eating it. the idea kinda horrifies me, but maybe less than it might have three months ago when i was still eating canned tuna. now there's a vacuum in my life. i'm trying to imagine the replacement:

sardine salad, sardine melt, sardine helper!, creamy sardine noodle surprise!

* * *

MattE woke me up this morning. he kept poking my butthole.

sometimes i get the sense of a small hole and the answer seems to be: make lists. there's something soothing about that, the sense of control.

i'm pretty sure we made love right after that, but according to him, we both fell back asleep for several hours before, but i don't remember so well, since i was mostly asleep when we started.

really, i've been mostly asleep since.

he took me to ihop for breakfast, just because. i guess we had a nice morning. i guess we had a nice evening while i slept with my head in his lap and he watched three episodes of the x-files, finishing the first season, and i've slept through a lot of it. he says he doesn't understand why i like the x-files so much if i can't even stay awake through an episode, or why i like him so much if he bores me to sleep,

but it's really more that i feel comfortable.

* * *

yesterday i drank a milk shake and had half a burger and some fries, and this morning i had an egg, half a serving of hashbrowns, five pancakes, and some soggy turkey bacon. i look like a blimp right now, and i think it's because i stopped running. i don't know when i'll start again, maybe tomorrow since it's a holiday and no one will be at school.