bumble bean

the reason it couldn't work out with michele and boone and ...what's her name? alyssa? who gives a f**k.
is because i'd be like, third wife.

and, what i want really, is to be the husband.
i mean matriarch.

i hate how rita's been this season of Dexter. she's such a f*****g pain in the a*s, i can't even believe it. the relationship counselor made a comment about Dexter's behavior and, rita thinking he'd change. i don't relate. I'm full of chinese food and my fortune's irrelevent. well, something like, my respect for people will be my ticket to sucess or something and i'm like, i already f*****g know that.

there's a rat on my lap and i'm brushing him, "daw, he duh buh baw. you da bawbaw!"

You Shall Soon Make A Long, Overdue Personal Decision.

MattE looks at me when he finishes reading the fortune. i beam a stupid grin he mirrors to make me laugh.
"I knew you'd do that!" he says.
"You know, I heard White Wedding in the car today."
"Pffffffffffff!"

we hold hands.

"I don't think my fortune is gramatically correct."
"Why not?"
"The comma's after 'long.' is my decision going to be long?"
"Yeah, I guess you're right. because it's 'long overdue.' Yeah, long overdue. Yeah? eh? eh?"

* * *

Tori and I aren't really talking. I think the last time we talked I told her I was drunk and asked her what she was wearing and then the conversation kind of ended there. Sara and I might go visit her on the fifteenth. Maybe we'll do it. I don't know if this is cheating since MattE knows about it. I need a woman. Kind of the same way men mean it when they say it.

Sara's in love with Hunter. I can tell because when she forced me to go to the Ray Lamontagne concert with her, she talked about him the whole time.

"He thinks pregnant women are beautiful!" she says, and I feel her changing. she's quit The Pill and resorted to testing body temperatures and observing servical mucous, "A Cooperative Method of Natural Birth Control." Natural Family Planning. That kind of thing, I used to do it.

she sends me pictures of wedding dresses online, this one's yours, she says, this one's mine.

* * *

now i cry a lot. not a lot: a little, frequently. like when i read, or play guitar, and through the whole f*****g ray lamontagne concert. i wake up crying for a second, and then i go back to sleep, i cry when i see certain things, or certain people,

i'm not crying now. i don't cry when i exercise, or when i cook, or when i watch Bored to Death, but i cry during commercials, and in the shower, before i fall asleep, when i'm folding the laundry (especially the towels), when i see my dog, when there's music on, in the car. sometimes i cry in the grocery store, i forgot to get those orange oreos this year.

just for a few seconds. and then it stops.
there are fleas everywhere.

i stopped oversleeping, i think because i've been cleaning and in the mornings the sun shines right into my window and heats my room much hotter than the rest of the house. and with all the clothes i have to wear to protect me from the fleas, it's too much.

when i get married, i'm gonna sing him a song. right now i don't care that being married means i won't get to f**k other people anymore, because i never really liked it in the first place. as far as our babies being ugly goes, i dunno. they probably will be ugly, most parent's don't think their kids are ugly though, and i guess there's always plastic surgery.

plus, i like that he lets me boss him around, and that he teases me. i like that he calls me butterbean, that he's proud of me, that he's stuck up, and that he's learning to trust my judgement. i love him. i got him some cat cufflinks for our five year anniversary. he's gonna think they're really great.

he's the only person i know who'd think that.