my life as a twenty something robot

i've spent the better part of the past sixty hours in a military entrance processing station signing over the next six years of my life to the united states government in exchange for advanced salary, no living expenses, and an enlistment bonus of twenty one thousand dollars.

"so you're going to be a nucular engineer?"
"nuclear"
"nucular?"
"nuclear."
"nuke-u-clear?"
"Nu. Cle. Ar."

[ "it doesn't have anything to do with nuclear weapons."--officer sutherland ]

No, no it doesn't really sound exciting. since when does math, physics, and mechanics twelve hours a day six days a week sound exciting? it sounds like hell. it's two a.m. and i've slept about nine hours since wednesday, but i stayed up to watch Towelhead.

and i cried. it wasn't as good as Persepolis, but then, Persepolis didn't feel or look anything like my life. not that Towelhead really did, either, it was just certain lines. like, when her mother is mad and she asks her "can i kiss you?"

or when she pulls the frozen kitten out of the freezer and gives it to that guy...

or just the familiar weird sexual fog. shame i guess. and curiosity, and maybe, feeling like the only way to explore means allowing some awful other thing to happen in exchange. --sometimes i forget it was tough, with my mother. but i had this moment watching the film where i could feel that cold tension in my chest that goes beyond disappointment, it's heartbreak. that's it, it broke my heart. the movie, again.

he's talking about the cat when he says it. "it's not your fault."
and then i think, no one ever apologizes. for that. they just make it weird like it's your fault.

"lets not do that anymore. lets just be friends" because i feel guilty, but they never say sorry for it.

* * *

tori sent me a letter.

she apologized at the end, well, in a second message. "i'm sorry i shouldn't have sent that."

i've never not written back to something like that before. it's the kind of letter i might write. the kind of desperate, long rant about how things are falling apart, i don't mean like this--i mean like truly asking for something from a person who receives it directly.

so usually i'd be flattered. but, i have nothing to say to her. i wanted something from her. reciprocation. but she just, ignores me, so, i give up, and then, it's needing something.

it's the kind of thing i do to people i hate. not really hate, but, hate that i love. hate that i want? so that stings, knowing i'm just, there to fill a hole.

* * *

the worst part is the duck walk. you're in your underwear. i just fall over. tip over. fall over. again and again and again. all the other naked girls got it. but i have to keep doing it till i get it right or can't stand whichever happens first (the latter), and the doctor passes me out of pitty, and maybe because she thinks i won't get in anyway, or maybe because she's seen my scores and she knows i will.

so the head of the nuclear engineering...training program i guess is on the phone and he wants me to join, and i say, listen dude, what the f**k am i going to do with that? and he says, "well, your brain will at least get bigger, okay?"

and i say, yeah. i guess so.

toni collett brushes this little girl's hair while she talks about the time aaron eckheart raped her and she says that, she let him think she wanted to even though she didn't.
why?
i don't know. i thought i was supposed to.