my bangs look like s**t

i decided meeting with maurice is a bad idea.

maybe this is the first time i'm going to reject that kind of scenario without actively testing the waters first. i am reminded, usually depending on the frequency i masturbate, that sex is much less exciting than the IDEA of sex.

last night i dreamt of crawling into bed to find tori there in a cuddly and naked mood. she was soft. i kissed her tits, and they were soft, and they tasted the way skin tastes. nothing magical. but it was nice.

but her baby woke up at some point--
it isn't even that i remember sex as being so exciting. it isn't even that i see her with some understanding, even the way dawn tells me stories about my own life, about our mothers' words.

"i bet you don't talk to JESSICA that way!!!" she is a steam whistle.

even her, i don't know so well. even joseph, i've given up on. i've given up on everyone. i don't care to talk to or connect with anyone! and i feel ugly.

it's like this with tori. maybe on some level, i feel like i use her, because it feels good to f**k a girl. or at least i think it should feel good. definitely feels softer.

i remember thinking her hair felt alright between my fingers when her face was between my legs, which also felt alright. i remember trying to not fall asleep. i remember waking up with really sore n*****s.

how good it was, i forget, because i was drunk.

* * *

i want breasts. not just breasts, i mean, they should come with a person attached to them, and maybe i am the person.

maybe i want my own breasts.

maybe i want them the way silent stood infront of me asking to pick her up and she slid her palms up the tops of my thighs, over my hips and up my ribs until her fingertips landed on the underside of my breasts. it sounds so sexual. like it would to say how much i liked watching her take a bath, the way she swished her hair around in the water and smiled softly, and then sometimes for no apparent reason would grin with her teeth.

but it's not, there's nothing sexual about it. but i think it must have been one of the nicest things i've ever felt, those little baby hands asking for my love, so i said, here, take it. and i picked her up, and she melted into me.

i don't even remember letting her go. two year olds. they're mostly spirits.