you know it's three weeks, i'm going insane

so i'm pre-engaged, by which i mean i already picked out the food for the wedding and what my dress is going to look like, and my shoes.

i'm also pre-undergraduate, by which i mean i've picked out a new major and all the classes i'll take and paid off some this and thats money owed to the schools and filled out my fafsa and my reentry application.

i even started this compost, and yesterday i made potstickers. Made them. they were shaped like little pyramidal envelopes. square pyramids? i dunno.

it's something about planning. doing. maybe it's (to be) distracting. from my mother's death, maybe trying to do things, even if it means spending the money i saved for midwifery school, is supposed to give me a sense of structure when things feel out of control--

--last night i watched T.V. for eight hours, and i had all this coffee, so i couldn't sleep, and then i felt paranoid so i read all these statistics and determined that my odds are one in 250 of having contracted HIV if boone is positive because we didn't use anything and then of course i text him  "you don't have AIDS DO YOU!?" and of course, he answers with something vague like, "i haven't slept with anyone new in eight months."

whatever that means.

i don't know if others have such a hard time with it, but the idea of going and getting tested makes me sick. especially when i'm already wired on caffeine. i get stuck in these elaborate fantasies of my future life and how everything will be ruined, plans for a wedding, plans for school, delivering babies, etc.

*           *             *

the other thing is tori. that when i wake up, everything i do to distract myself from over-feeling lately, i want her. mostly i want the side of my face against her tits, and i want her legs wrapped around me, and i want her fingers in my hair the way they were for this one moment that didn't feel like An Experiment, it just felt like we were lovers.

but i don't really tell her much, now. i read some article she posted on her facebook some "professor" wrote accusing everyone of BEING michael vick because we are carnivors, and sometimes i want to tell her she's stupid. 

like when she says she doesn't know what she wants, and i say in the nicest words i can pull from my brain Who Gives A F**k. and then i scoot next to her really close until my fingers are tickling her shoulders and kneck and she's giggling nervously and then we're doing it.

"do you want to sleep in my bed, tonight?" she says after she's put her clothes back on.
"yes"

but i don't really hold her all night because i'm afraid of what she's going to think when she wakes up, and at some point, the baby wakes up and starts screaming, and she says in really soft words "what's wrong, baby?" and things like that for the while that he cries, holding him and cuddling him, and she seems especially beautiful.


the caffeine slowly looses to exhaustion and i plan to pay some bills tomorrow, file some things or others. text her, see what she's up to, and she'll answer something like "how's your throat?" and i'll tell her it's better, but i've passed it to sara who's planning another camping trip to visit her new boyfriend this weekend,

and i'll be too nervous to ask her if she wants to make plans to see each other again, but i have to, eventually, i know, because she has my zebra blanket...

Reviews

[Laura Lynn]

wow, this is nice and free, it reminds me of a time when I felt young and unattached, even though I am still I feel old and unattached not in a young and free way, free of commitment or a willing commitment such as leads one in a desirous way toward a marriage, what is it but a great thing, it can be but it seems so much work thinking about it in theory