i want a clock that doesn't hurt me up.

i never took statistics.

i was thinking you'd have like, an 8% chance that if you bumped into me and asked me to show you my tits, i would.  but it's like that statistic about being bit by a shark, and that your chances increase if you actually enter a body of water--by which i mean, the very act of bumping would invent new circumstances and thereby change probability.

matt rose and i are in a miniature bamboo forrest by a reservoir.

"ha, that lady's looking in." matt rose says. "we're f*****g, don't peek."

but, he'd said earlier, "no body gets that i'm a virgin. they say, 'you could have anybody in this room.'" even matt glass got his cherry popped recently, and victoria. i think kelcie and matt rose are the only two left, but it comforts me in my semi-celibacy.

he smacks a dead stick of bamboo against a live one until the first breaks piece by piece into an eight inch cylinder. "wanna play doctor?"

*        *         *

in the first half of Hedwig and the Angry Inch, there's one of those machine's that makes nature sounds, you know, to sleep to, birds and s**t, and it included "womb" sounds. kinda swishy and blood moving.

in s.v.u., one likes to ride the train because it rocks him gently.
"like being in a womb?"
"*nods*"

*        *         *

one bit leads to another, in a search of john cameron mitchell's upcomming works i found myself on a feminist blog dedicated to informing the world of various displays of women's disembodied parts, which featured--among urinals designed to look like hookers--this jewelry of "dismemebered" barbie parts, which, in a few clicks actually led me to a etsy site of someone i met once,

matt rose and john cameron mitchell met once.

*        *        *

you haven't said anything to me in over a year. anything.
but if i made a movie, you'd be in it. you might not have a real actor play you, maybe you'd just be the topic of conversation here and there. like the dead mother in "my girl" or whatever.

once i said i could date someone with mixed up parts and you said that was disgusting, but i think you missed the point. i mean, sometimes i feel like a lonely and unreconcilable half...

i wish i could tell this girl that i love her, but i'm just being a brat, like anne marie says. i miss having someone to drive me home,

*       *        *
some people i know feel really bitter about having part of their dicks cut off. i think i'd be, too.

tonight i'll start taking some herbs to make my b***s grow, but it doesn't matter,

*        *        *

"i'm rethinking the whole intercourse thing" i tell matt rose. it's not a serious question, but, though he'd never pick me as his first, i used to imagine he could be my second. "because you're my best friend."

sometimes when he sees me cry, he cries, too. 

and then, just being near him is like finding half of myself.

so, he asks me to take him to the wedding, and i ask him to be my wedding date in lieu of mattE, but he'll be in nicaragua that week with the catholics. a gay missionary. he isn't even catholic. "i love it." he says "that's what i want to do with my life. be a doctor. in countries with poor healthcare."

"oh," he asks, "are you gonna be one of those dykes that doesn't do penetration at all? 'You can't penetrate me. i'm not a piece of meat!' and i'm like 'what, i don't f**k my steak before i cook it...?'"

Reviews

[Frieda P]

Quirky and entertaining read, something a bit different to digest....the ending had me in stitches.

'some people i know feel really bitter about having part of their dicks cut off'...

Think you might need a Mature banner for this one....good stuff with a cuppa in the morning, woke me right up...

[Delmar Cooper]

Probably the boldest and most imaginative piece of writing I've seen in this poor miserable forum. You won't be crucified but tar and feathers is possible. Great writing. Be brave, be strong, the rest of us need writers like you.