another thursday

 

i wonder if oats are good for you.

i have an interview tomorrow, which means i'm going to have to shower, finally. dad bugs me. past few days, he's been giving me that guilty voice. and something about "i know you're really depressed and i'm not going to stop bothering you until you snap out of it."

last night i had a dream jess, kelcie, and i decided to go to denver, on a whim. mom said something about waiting till the last minute to mention it to her, "*sarcastically* because i guess you only just decided."

"actually, we did only just decide."

denver looked like some hotel flashback to '73. But i didn't mind so much the shag carpet because my life was felt, at least temporarily, manageable.

i went back to starbucks at one point, and it was my last day.

i was trying to ring someone up on the front register (pastry case side) for a grande mocha. it might have some subtle modifications, like nonfat, but in any case, it was overly difficult. i couldn't find the mocha button anywhere, and i couldn't remember the cup markings. so i started crying. matt brown was there and he yelled at me.

* * *

the computer sucks, but i don't have any motivation to unpack. "i only started unpacking last week and i've been here since january." said this girl i'm getting to know, tori.
"why do you think that is?"
"because i don't want to be here, and because my dad's stuff is everywhere and there's no room for my stuff."

it's beautiful.

* * *

mattE doesn't want to go to relay for life.
"what is it?"
"i dunno."

all i remember is hearing if you're in highschool they take your car keys after a certain hour so you can't sneak off with your boyfriend and go f**k in the woods. we had plans to circumvent this proceedure by simply f*****g in the woods before we went to relay for life, but we ended up never going at all. mom wouldn't let me. or his mom wouldn't. probably both, there were several years. just like all the dances and the proms we always found ourselves mysteriously grounded for the week of. sometimes we'd have to "go see a movie" and hide in the woods behind the theater just to be alone.

"well, what goes on there?"
"i dunno, why does it matter?"
"if it's not something i'm interested in doing then i probably won't go."
"i'm going regardless. so...i think it's people, like, walking around the track, and then there are other people who sleep in tents on the football field, i dunno."
"how does that raise money for cancer?"
"i don't know? i think there's food that...people...sell or something."

it sounds like a dumb idea to me. but it's something the school builds up everyear, and most of the students participate through a school organization, or they just go. i'm only even going because my mother won't go to another relay for life, and i'd feel like an a*s not being supportive, which, apparently, isn't a sentiment my supposed "boyfriend" shares. that's what he calls himself, i don't know what to call him anymore.

coming back was stupid. i feel haunted. randomly, past experiences resurface. things i thought i'd gotten over. and everyone was so glad i was going to be coming home, you know. i don't even know why i'm here. i've been going to bed as early as i can, but, i still wake up after one.

 

Reviews

[Frozen Eyes]

"coming back was stupid. i feel haunted. randomly, past experiences resurface. things i thought i'd gotten over."
This line simply connected me to the story. Everyone has similar stories in their lives and ur penning it down with such simplicity is just awesome.
Good work. keep writing. would love to read more. :)
and finally cud she sleep till after one?? #Curious