visiting mom

april 16th, early morning.

i feel stifled in my self expression as of late. it's hard to talk to people. i don't even want to talk to people, but i do hold their lack of attempts at communication against them.

"i just figure, they'll call when they want to talk."-kelcie.

indeed. and i don't.

"do you wanna go see mom?"

i was feeling kind of haunted about it in my nap, so i decided yes, despite normally hating being forced out of nap. i figured at least if we were going to The House i could get my other toothbrush. my nervously rough brushing has rendered the last one unusable.

but i forgot she was at sherry's, and we just watched television again. it started out some awful sitcom about a recently divorced man. there were like, two laughable lines. they were good laughs. but the show itself was really f*****g dumb, actually. mom's never seen it before. but it was dumb like two and a half men is dumb, or friends is dumb.

i should feel worse criticizing my mom for liking that show. victoria does it to me a lot, spontaneously. not criticize me for watching shows, but just, attacking me for no reason.

"interest. that's how you spell it, right?"
"you're retarded."
"ok, but is that how you spell it?"
"you're retarded."

once i misspelled towards in seventh grade. twoards. i think. twoards. like boards. and nobody says towards. they say it twards. it doesn't matter. i was in seventh grade. i may have even been spelling maybe "maby" (which i used to do also.)

anyway, we did class grading. i hated that s**t in middle school. some girl couldn't understand the word i was trying to write, so she asked Mrs. Garrett, who asked whose paper it was, and i said it was mine, and she said

Arielle, How Do You Spell Towards?

it's such a strange thing, school. they tell you all these things about what life is going to be like, but they're not really true. this math teacher i had told me i'd end up at burgerking.

"this show is so stupid." the truth is, i hate this emptiness. my mother is walking around. everytime i see her again she looks thinner and whiter. i don't blame my parents. it's not that i look at my life and think it's fucked up and attribute that to my parents.

but sometimes there is this child part that wants a reconciliation. an apology, or to hear that my love is valuable or my life is worthwhile. i explained it to liz, that it's weird and confusing to see someone who once had so much control over every aspect of my life in this frail state.

sometimes i just yell at her and i don't really know why. i guess it's mostly when she talks to me like i'm stupid, but even still. generally i have more patients.

i take my drivers test in a few hours. i don't really give a s**t about whether or not i'll pass, though. in fact, i'm pretty intimidated, not by the actual test or the driver, but the idea that i might actually pass and then be forced to drive on my own without enough confidence or experience to do so safely. i'm contemplating sabotage.

" Anyway, I want you to know that I have total faith
in you for the driving test-you have received the best instruction
that money can buy! But if you are still anxious I have two, count'em
two, pieces of advice that I give to all my students (which is only
you), and that is to never forget the power of flattery (especially if
the instructor is a man) and right before the test drink a couple of
beers (I recommend at least 7)." --my new brother, dave.

i think the beers are a good idea, as well as wearing very dirty clothes, and not showering. i haven't since...s**t, sunday?

that's why my hair is so soft and free of split ends.

he's the only one who wrote me back today. i know anne marie would if i emailed her.


dear anne marie,

last night i had a dream that jamie and i were master slave, and that he beat me all the time, but, when we were in public, he just pretended that he didn't know me or that i was a coworker that he hated.

and, because he worked at a law firm, he had special knowledge and connections that kept him safe from any legal trouble.

don't tell him i said any of that, though, he'll tell ellie that i'm an over-sensitive baby and then they'll drink together and laugh at me.

LOVE,
arielle

Reviews

[escherflight]

You hooked me in. I'm curious about your protagonist and want to read more. Great voice. I'm definitely on their side and want more back story revealed. (Ocassional vocabulary choices seem a bit incongruous with the voice, especially falling where they do in the text - attribute and reconciliation. Although I didn't feel that about 'contemplating sabotage' so I don't know.) Love it.